Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Once again.. a change in plans!!
Well here we go again.... got here to the hospital at 1230... everything going smooth.. Dr came in with the sonogram machine to check the baby and low and behold... little Ireland has decided to flip on her own and go head down now!!!! This little girl of mine is going to give daddy a heart attack way before my time..... Chanda is doin fine.. The Dr's now want to have a vaginal birth so she is going to be induced today sometime... Chanda is happy because less down time and she get to eat!!!! Preggo's always thinking of eating..lol.. she'll kill be for that one... Will keep you all in touch once something else comes along...
Bad start to the day....but its not the end of the world
This is Mike.. or Mikey as Chanda would say.. Well we get up at 430 and get ready to head on down for the big day... get in the car and start down the road and call the U like they wanted us too and here someone changed or schedule from 6 am to 1230 pm!!!! Chanda is soooo upset and pissed right now... I'm really surprised the lady on the phone didn't get the devil treatment!! But its just a minor thing in the big process... we have come back home to hopefully get a little more shut eye and start the journey all over again..... will post more later...
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Final Countdown
I've been up since about 3am. I don't know if I was in panic mode or what. My mind was going a mile a minute and I was tired as all get out! I tried to calm myself by talking myself down, so to speak and little by little I am now up.
Have you ever been in the ocean, maybe on a raft or small boat, close your eyes to relax a bit? --Just for a second, then you sort of snap your eyes open and see that the horizon is everywhere and the beach seems really far away? ...this is where I was sort of stuck this morning. In a real time situation, you sort of panic for a minute and then just start paddling your way back to the beach. Well, for the life of me, I was stuck on the freaking raft and could not move.
Looking at the clock, sitting at the kitchen table, I know that in 24 hours I'll be wanting everyone to go to the bathroom one more time and get in the car. We won't want to be late. ...the bags will most likely be packed already and Tristan will most likely be half asleep. Mikey will most likely be anxious and wanting me to chill, we'll get there on time. ...Me, I haven't a clue what I'll be like....definitely just wanting to go so we're not late...beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.
I've looked at a few pics on the Griffin's site (for Maximus), and their smiles have somehow been embedded in my mind. They are smiling beautifully and optimism just sort of radiates from them. Mikey and I have both said that we hope this is what we convey. We both have honestly felt positive and we both have admitted to feeling a bit manic throughout this entire pregnancy...to the point that I (I have no doubt here) actually started an argument last night. It wasn't a yelling thing...it was a "this is what I need" and you're not there....a "I'm not sure what to ask of you" but I need it from you....it was insane, is what it was. I never could quite define what "it" was and yet, I was sincerely upset (crazy moment maybe but truly alone and upset, if you know what I mean).......Yes, we've been there for each other and we've also pushed each other away, albeit in subtle ways ...sort of guarding ourselves and I think trying to protect each other too. .....It's just weird. I truly love this man and know he loves me. I could not have a better mate. But. I realize that he and I are also individuals that process things differently. We are there for each other. We can talk and be there for one another...and sometimes, we can totally misunderstand one another. ....After a long talk, my tears, him probably wanting me to have a xanax or something, we sort of got somewhere. .....We are scared. The optimism is totally there but there is a feeling of being alone and adrift and feeling powerless. ....Neither of us are control freaks but we both enjoy control over ourselves, the direction we're going in our life. Who doesn't?... Well, all of a sudden, we both feel that in 24 hours or so, our world will forever be changed and we can not immediately control any part of the outcome. Absolutely nothing. I can go to the store this morning and get a little more to pack. I can make sure that Tristan will be able to somewhat entertain himself this week AND be prepared to start school on next Monday. I can make sure our reservations at the hotel are secure for Mikey and T and that we've secured our home. However, I can not make Ireland flip her little head down so that I can have the natural, and to me, easier birth. I can not control what happens to me when the doctors numb me chest down, cut me open and retrieve my daughter. I can not demand to see Ireland when the doctor will obviously know what is best at any given moment. I can not make Ireland's natural bodily functions work the way they should. I can not determine the will of God or the strength of my baby. This is utterly out of my hands. ....I can't even say how I'll feel about all of this tomorrow morning and I surely don't know how I'll feel in the hours once she's born. I know I can't wait to meet her and see her....beyond that, I hope that I'm the picture of optimistic joy. I'll want to also be the wife that is reading my husband correctly and being what he needs as well as being the mother that can see what Tristan will need. I hope my body will heal quickly. I just hope and pray, really. That is all I feel that I can do.
I'm not sure why I let you all in on our very personal marriage thing last night but I don't want to forget this. I write all of this blog stuff for the sake of sharing but it's for me, too. .....I also don't want anyone out there to think Mikey and I have problems. Quite the opposite, actually. For a couple facing this crazy unfair (for lack of a better word), "situation", we do pretty well. We can sometimes go on differing wavelengths but this is human. We always find our way back to each other and it's not very hard to do. It's probably nerve wracking to him and myself, when we have to abruptly jar the other, but it feels pretty good when it is done. ....For me, I was just scared last night. We had sort of totally wasted the weekend and I felt that I'd be preparing us all on this journey alone. Silly me, Tristan and Mikey, always step up.
I suppose there is a slight control freak in me when it comes to leaving my home. I'm never a total neat freak, anyone who's been in our home knows a little chaos or disorder feels homey to me. A little. However. If I'm leaving home for a bit, I want it clean and orderly when I come back. We'll create some disorder the minute we unpack. .......anyway, I think because of the feeling of powerless-ness (is this a word?!) over what will come, I just sort of panicked and needed to feel some control in these next hours. Also, we know our world will immediately be changed. We need each other and needed to say out loud that this has been hard and we're afraid that it might get harder before it gets easy ...or "normal" again.
Anywho, it's time for me to get going. There is alot to do today. Honestly, I bet by noon, the list will be covered and I'll just have little projects that I think need done. This is, afterall, going to be my daughter. I've dreamed of having a girl and having never been really the "girly" type, seem to want to channel this while she's a cutie-patootie baby.
Pray for us. Emotionally calmed. Physically healed. Thankful. Any of this would be wonderful.
Have you ever been in the ocean, maybe on a raft or small boat, close your eyes to relax a bit? --Just for a second, then you sort of snap your eyes open and see that the horizon is everywhere and the beach seems really far away? ...this is where I was sort of stuck this morning. In a real time situation, you sort of panic for a minute and then just start paddling your way back to the beach. Well, for the life of me, I was stuck on the freaking raft and could not move.
Looking at the clock, sitting at the kitchen table, I know that in 24 hours I'll be wanting everyone to go to the bathroom one more time and get in the car. We won't want to be late. ...the bags will most likely be packed already and Tristan will most likely be half asleep. Mikey will most likely be anxious and wanting me to chill, we'll get there on time. ...Me, I haven't a clue what I'll be like....definitely just wanting to go so we're not late...beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.
I've looked at a few pics on the Griffin's site (for Maximus), and their smiles have somehow been embedded in my mind. They are smiling beautifully and optimism just sort of radiates from them. Mikey and I have both said that we hope this is what we convey. We both have honestly felt positive and we both have admitted to feeling a bit manic throughout this entire pregnancy...to the point that I (I have no doubt here) actually started an argument last night. It wasn't a yelling thing...it was a "this is what I need" and you're not there....a "I'm not sure what to ask of you" but I need it from you....it was insane, is what it was. I never could quite define what "it" was and yet, I was sincerely upset (crazy moment maybe but truly alone and upset, if you know what I mean).......Yes, we've been there for each other and we've also pushed each other away, albeit in subtle ways ...sort of guarding ourselves and I think trying to protect each other too. .....It's just weird. I truly love this man and know he loves me. I could not have a better mate. But. I realize that he and I are also individuals that process things differently. We are there for each other. We can talk and be there for one another...and sometimes, we can totally misunderstand one another. ....After a long talk, my tears, him probably wanting me to have a xanax or something, we sort of got somewhere. .....We are scared. The optimism is totally there but there is a feeling of being alone and adrift and feeling powerless. ....Neither of us are control freaks but we both enjoy control over ourselves, the direction we're going in our life. Who doesn't?... Well, all of a sudden, we both feel that in 24 hours or so, our world will forever be changed and we can not immediately control any part of the outcome. Absolutely nothing. I can go to the store this morning and get a little more to pack. I can make sure that Tristan will be able to somewhat entertain himself this week AND be prepared to start school on next Monday. I can make sure our reservations at the hotel are secure for Mikey and T and that we've secured our home. However, I can not make Ireland flip her little head down so that I can have the natural, and to me, easier birth. I can not control what happens to me when the doctors numb me chest down, cut me open and retrieve my daughter. I can not demand to see Ireland when the doctor will obviously know what is best at any given moment. I can not make Ireland's natural bodily functions work the way they should. I can not determine the will of God or the strength of my baby. This is utterly out of my hands. ....I can't even say how I'll feel about all of this tomorrow morning and I surely don't know how I'll feel in the hours once she's born. I know I can't wait to meet her and see her....beyond that, I hope that I'm the picture of optimistic joy. I'll want to also be the wife that is reading my husband correctly and being what he needs as well as being the mother that can see what Tristan will need. I hope my body will heal quickly. I just hope and pray, really. That is all I feel that I can do.
I'm not sure why I let you all in on our very personal marriage thing last night but I don't want to forget this. I write all of this blog stuff for the sake of sharing but it's for me, too. .....I also don't want anyone out there to think Mikey and I have problems. Quite the opposite, actually. For a couple facing this crazy unfair (for lack of a better word), "situation", we do pretty well. We can sometimes go on differing wavelengths but this is human. We always find our way back to each other and it's not very hard to do. It's probably nerve wracking to him and myself, when we have to abruptly jar the other, but it feels pretty good when it is done. ....For me, I was just scared last night. We had sort of totally wasted the weekend and I felt that I'd be preparing us all on this journey alone. Silly me, Tristan and Mikey, always step up.
I suppose there is a slight control freak in me when it comes to leaving my home. I'm never a total neat freak, anyone who's been in our home knows a little chaos or disorder feels homey to me. A little. However. If I'm leaving home for a bit, I want it clean and orderly when I come back. We'll create some disorder the minute we unpack. .......anyway, I think because of the feeling of powerless-ness (is this a word?!) over what will come, I just sort of panicked and needed to feel some control in these next hours. Also, we know our world will immediately be changed. We need each other and needed to say out loud that this has been hard and we're afraid that it might get harder before it gets easy ...or "normal" again.
Anywho, it's time for me to get going. There is alot to do today. Honestly, I bet by noon, the list will be covered and I'll just have little projects that I think need done. This is, afterall, going to be my daughter. I've dreamed of having a girl and having never been really the "girly" type, seem to want to channel this while she's a cutie-patootie baby.
Pray for us. Emotionally calmed. Physically healed. Thankful. Any of this would be wonderful.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
48 hours and counting down
Well, would love to be posting about all the things we've got done thus far. But nope, think we're just trying to get through this weekend and cram everything into Monday, so that we'll be able to sleep that night.
Mikey is in what I'm going to call the new male "technical nesting" phase. It began first thing yesterday morning. I asked one little question about the mouse of my laptop, which just needed a battery, and he commenced to defrag, delete and just overhaul this little thing. Well, then he needed to work on the house computer. This, of course, meant he needed to go get a few things. He and T are off to Best Buy. Hmm, my son ended up "finally" (as he'd love to say) getting his own computer(which he, Tristan, did have to contribute a certain $$$ amount for the sake of fiscal responsibility) and Mikey ended up tearing apart our computer to defrag, delete, overhaul and add memory and graphics. This was all in the name of pictures. You see, we need more room to hold all of the pics for Ireland's arrival. ....How silly if you didn't get that because goodness knows, I should of seen the need for all of this....Also, he wanted to provide for his son. .....Anywho, with all the taking apart of our home computer, it's been deemed old, and it is, but I question if this is the time for all of this. Now, we have boxes strewn all over the living room. The house computer is now connected to the television in our family room (where we already have an old laptop hooked up) and Mikey is wanting Tristan to bring out his computer to see if that works even better with the big screen (tv). Yes, that is now 3 computers in the family room. He's doing all of this because we "save money" by not having cable and using the internet when there are certain shows we'd like to watch. ...Well, all I can say is, really!!! What is next? I reminded him that we were having a baby Tuesday morning and that I'd really like to come back home to a clean and somewhat organized place because he knows that I'll stress over a mess like no tomorrow...don't we think there will be enough to stress about?...Needless to say, my hubby just laughs and smiles that I need to relax. He'll have to trade out a few things tomorrow morn (now, today) to fix our house computer (which had better go back in the computer room), he'll update the computer that is connected to the tv (upstairs family room) and Tristan's will go back to his room. All messes will be gone and the world will be a better place. ..........This, for Ireland. My hubby and what I'll forever deem as mans "technical nesting".
As for me, I did laundry and was your basic bum yesterday. I nearly finished my book (The Hour I First Believed, by, Wally Lamb), I watched the movie "Iron Man", and I watched a bunch of original Julia Child shows that the PBS had on. I also ate a bunch of junk yesterday, don't know what was up with that! .....want to see the new Julie and Julia movie, big time...read the book and have also read Julia Child's books. Can I just say, I'd love to see all of her original shows. If I didn't think between Mikey's technical nesting and Ireland's insurance deductible would break the bank, I would of made the outrageous PBS pledge to get the 2 dvd sets for her shows. The woman is hilarious! I love how she'll chop by slamming her knife like a sledge hammer and she'll totally keep eyes on fish and such because we americans shouldn't be so finicky! .....Anywho, basically, yesterday absolutely nothing was accomplished.
Honestly, I'm thinking today will just be slightly better for preparing for Tuesday. I do plan on running to Wally World so that I can get a few last minute things to pack for the hospital. We're also about to have a toilet paper crisis, so figure that I should take care of this. ....For being me and totally manic ups and downs throughout this pregnancy, I'd like to say that a calm and peace has totally entered me. I'm just excited to meet my baby girl and have the upmost confidence that all will be well with a little faith and time. ...I'm thinking I'll miss being pregnant. Crazy, as I'm turning 36 this coming Friday, but we would like one more. ...we'll just leave this topic alone for now. ...Point was, as hard as this pregnancy has been, it's also been a blessing. We've been wanting this little one since we've known we were loving each other and right for one another. ...I was thinking that in spite of all our fears, we're lucky. In this day and age, we've known that there is a problem and we've had the best care possible during this pregnancy and doctors are prepared to do all they can when Ireland arrives. 100 years ago, heck less time than that, Ireland's outcome most likely would have not been good and with her bum on my cervix, I doubt my outcome would have been much better. And, as bad as it may sound, those that didn't have their babies for a lifetime, have had some time and I'd like to think that is something. ...pause for little prayer..........Well, we're just lucky to live in this age where there is so much more technological advances.
I remember not too long ago getting irritated when people would say that they can do soooo much now. And sadly, with CDH, the outcomes are still largely dependent on the strength of the baby, but, there is truth in that statement, too. Just look at baby girl Ruby Hope...she came out with flying colors, AND was ECMO (big bad bypass machine for those sleeping under a rock and just getting around to reading my posts :) ). Also, the last week or so has brought atleast 3 babies that I know of that did not make it and it's time for some stories of hope. Case in point, Maximus Griffin. I love that name. He's going to be the little man that lifts us up and well, I have designated Ireland as the little lady that'll lift everyone's spirits. (Like how I just LET you know that this is how it will be??)....it is time to say "Yes We Can" (stolen from Obama because he's needing some hope too)...We are so tired of this CDH crap consuming us and letting us down. I'm tired of the tears and not having the words to comfort another mother. I am tired of feeling scared and nervous. I'm just ready for the good stuff. I'm ready to face this all head on and KNOW that all will be well (channeling the Studdard family right now). Can you not just feel the annoying little pep rally going on in my head right now???? ...hmm
Anywho, in less than 48 hours we'll begin the real CDH journey. I've been waiting for this for what seems like forever and I am finally ready. Bring it on. I sort of laugh at myself because for all of my fears, this is who I am. In the face of a crisis, I rarely cower. My life has already had it's majorly dookey times and I got out of those with my head held high and usually a better person for it. This will soon be a memory. It's also to be remembered that it is Ireland's battle and I am simply her chief supporter and advocate. In the long run this will be her story more than mine. I say this simply because I have issues with selfishness and pity parties...albeit, I've been known for both. ...I made sure to read the simple passage of Matthew 21:22 this morning. Ask. Believe. Receive. That's the gist of the passage. I ask for her to be strong. I believe it and I really believe she'll be home before too long and received by everyone with open arms.
I have no doubt that there will be tough times and tears aplenty. I'll possibly forget this little pep rally...but I certainly hope that I'll continue to come back to it daily.
That's it for now. .....and just let me know, did your man become something weird a few days before too??? Glad he's been owning this pregnancy, complaining with me, gaining with me....but his personal nesting.....it's something!
Mikey is in what I'm going to call the new male "technical nesting" phase. It began first thing yesterday morning. I asked one little question about the mouse of my laptop, which just needed a battery, and he commenced to defrag, delete and just overhaul this little thing. Well, then he needed to work on the house computer. This, of course, meant he needed to go get a few things. He and T are off to Best Buy. Hmm, my son ended up "finally" (as he'd love to say) getting his own computer(which he, Tristan, did have to contribute a certain $$$ amount for the sake of fiscal responsibility) and Mikey ended up tearing apart our computer to defrag, delete, overhaul and add memory and graphics. This was all in the name of pictures. You see, we need more room to hold all of the pics for Ireland's arrival. ....How silly if you didn't get that because goodness knows, I should of seen the need for all of this....Also, he wanted to provide for his son. .....Anywho, with all the taking apart of our home computer, it's been deemed old, and it is, but I question if this is the time for all of this. Now, we have boxes strewn all over the living room. The house computer is now connected to the television in our family room (where we already have an old laptop hooked up) and Mikey is wanting Tristan to bring out his computer to see if that works even better with the big screen (tv). Yes, that is now 3 computers in the family room. He's doing all of this because we "save money" by not having cable and using the internet when there are certain shows we'd like to watch. ...Well, all I can say is, really!!! What is next? I reminded him that we were having a baby Tuesday morning and that I'd really like to come back home to a clean and somewhat organized place because he knows that I'll stress over a mess like no tomorrow...don't we think there will be enough to stress about?...Needless to say, my hubby just laughs and smiles that I need to relax. He'll have to trade out a few things tomorrow morn (now, today) to fix our house computer (which had better go back in the computer room), he'll update the computer that is connected to the tv (upstairs family room) and Tristan's will go back to his room. All messes will be gone and the world will be a better place. ..........This, for Ireland. My hubby and what I'll forever deem as mans "technical nesting".
As for me, I did laundry and was your basic bum yesterday. I nearly finished my book (The Hour I First Believed, by, Wally Lamb), I watched the movie "Iron Man", and I watched a bunch of original Julia Child shows that the PBS had on. I also ate a bunch of junk yesterday, don't know what was up with that! .....want to see the new Julie and Julia movie, big time...read the book and have also read Julia Child's books. Can I just say, I'd love to see all of her original shows. If I didn't think between Mikey's technical nesting and Ireland's insurance deductible would break the bank, I would of made the outrageous PBS pledge to get the 2 dvd sets for her shows. The woman is hilarious! I love how she'll chop by slamming her knife like a sledge hammer and she'll totally keep eyes on fish and such because we americans shouldn't be so finicky! .....Anywho, basically, yesterday absolutely nothing was accomplished.
Honestly, I'm thinking today will just be slightly better for preparing for Tuesday. I do plan on running to Wally World so that I can get a few last minute things to pack for the hospital. We're also about to have a toilet paper crisis, so figure that I should take care of this. ....For being me and totally manic ups and downs throughout this pregnancy, I'd like to say that a calm and peace has totally entered me. I'm just excited to meet my baby girl and have the upmost confidence that all will be well with a little faith and time. ...I'm thinking I'll miss being pregnant. Crazy, as I'm turning 36 this coming Friday, but we would like one more. ...we'll just leave this topic alone for now. ...Point was, as hard as this pregnancy has been, it's also been a blessing. We've been wanting this little one since we've known we were loving each other and right for one another. ...I was thinking that in spite of all our fears, we're lucky. In this day and age, we've known that there is a problem and we've had the best care possible during this pregnancy and doctors are prepared to do all they can when Ireland arrives. 100 years ago, heck less time than that, Ireland's outcome most likely would have not been good and with her bum on my cervix, I doubt my outcome would have been much better. And, as bad as it may sound, those that didn't have their babies for a lifetime, have had some time and I'd like to think that is something. ...pause for little prayer..........Well, we're just lucky to live in this age where there is so much more technological advances.
I remember not too long ago getting irritated when people would say that they can do soooo much now. And sadly, with CDH, the outcomes are still largely dependent on the strength of the baby, but, there is truth in that statement, too. Just look at baby girl Ruby Hope...she came out with flying colors, AND was ECMO (big bad bypass machine for those sleeping under a rock and just getting around to reading my posts :) ). Also, the last week or so has brought atleast 3 babies that I know of that did not make it and it's time for some stories of hope. Case in point, Maximus Griffin. I love that name. He's going to be the little man that lifts us up and well, I have designated Ireland as the little lady that'll lift everyone's spirits. (Like how I just LET you know that this is how it will be??)....it is time to say "Yes We Can" (stolen from Obama because he's needing some hope too)...We are so tired of this CDH crap consuming us and letting us down. I'm tired of the tears and not having the words to comfort another mother. I am tired of feeling scared and nervous. I'm just ready for the good stuff. I'm ready to face this all head on and KNOW that all will be well (channeling the Studdard family right now). Can you not just feel the annoying little pep rally going on in my head right now???? ...hmm
Anywho, in less than 48 hours we'll begin the real CDH journey. I've been waiting for this for what seems like forever and I am finally ready. Bring it on. I sort of laugh at myself because for all of my fears, this is who I am. In the face of a crisis, I rarely cower. My life has already had it's majorly dookey times and I got out of those with my head held high and usually a better person for it. This will soon be a memory. It's also to be remembered that it is Ireland's battle and I am simply her chief supporter and advocate. In the long run this will be her story more than mine. I say this simply because I have issues with selfishness and pity parties...albeit, I've been known for both. ...I made sure to read the simple passage of Matthew 21:22 this morning. Ask. Believe. Receive. That's the gist of the passage. I ask for her to be strong. I believe it and I really believe she'll be home before too long and received by everyone with open arms.
I have no doubt that there will be tough times and tears aplenty. I'll possibly forget this little pep rally...but I certainly hope that I'll continue to come back to it daily.
That's it for now. .....and just let me know, did your man become something weird a few days before too??? Glad he's been owning this pregnancy, complaining with me, gaining with me....but his personal nesting.....it's something!
Friday, August 14, 2009
4 more days!!!
Wanted to just say that I've been busy channeling all the positive energy that I can muster. Thinking that God is totally with me here. My anxious feelings have been sort of dissipating and the excitement has returned. ...no, I haven't quite joined la-la-land with no fear but I believe that worry gets me nowhere (remind me of this in 4 days, please!).
4 days!!! Wonder what she'll look like. I dream of a little girl following her daddy in our garden (obviously a dream because ours is sort of lacking this year) but can only see her from behind. Pretty cool to see her though. Totally think this is a good thing!
I've started to bring people in again and not distance myself so much. I don't ignore the phone ringing right now and have actually felt good about the fact that my mom seems to be calling every few days just to check on me. I have really been wanting this week to fly by and it really has. I felt that I slept most of Monday and Tuesday away. And recently, just want to make sure we're getting done what needs to be done.
I packed Ireland's bag. Granted, it's probably too much and just packed things that I wanted her to have. I have a bear that has the heartbeat sound, the angel blanket from my mom and dad, Tristan wants her to have the dog he slept with, a few books, lotion for my hands being constantly washed and probably very dry, a few homemade blankies, a few things acquired with her name on it and the ladybug theme from home, probably too many outfits that I know she won't be allowed to wear (just being optimistic), her little eye masks that I made, tons of socks, hats and mittens.........hmm, no diapers or wipes or practical things like that even though I did pack a bit of toiletries (just in case...soaps, brush, nail clippers...things I'm sure we won't need but still....best to be prepared).
I have not packed my bag, or made a list for Mikey or Tristan. I did, however, wash all laundry and Lucky (our dog) got his world turned upside down this week by having the surgery/snip-snip/yes-they're-gone, done...we heard this would be a good thing to have done, plus we figure it's socially responsible. ...We should have just enough milk to last us until Monday....Tristan has his schedule for school and his locker has been found and he can open it....We have a hotel booked until Sunday of next week (T's school starts then and we'll do our best to commute at this time)....we have a dog sitter (God bless the Sanders family!!!)....we have a Visa card to purchase meals for the week and probably sustain us with gas for a bit (thanks to Mikey's old shop!!! and friends and family, too!!!)....I have read the literature to keep me positive and have packed my "blue day book" that can always make me (or anyone with a heartbeat and love for animals) smile....the ipod is loaded...i dug up some old VHS movies (no disc player) for my hospital stay and for Tristan's wait while I have the c-section....I've purchased nursing pads, sanitary pads and writing pads.......we're essentially set to go!
We just need to pack our bags. And take the trash out. And ask someone to get our mail. And take the probable spoils out of the fridge. And change the litter box (Mikey's job). And make sure the cats have plenty of food and someone to come say hello to them once or twice. And get those books I promised Tristan. And charge the camera..........okay, we're not totally ready but we will be.
4 days!! Glad to be excited. Trust my doctors and Trust Ireland's doctors. Think the nurses we've met have been great, the social workers are totally there for us when we need them, and well, we just need to enjoy this weekend and make Monday exhausting so that we'll be able to sleep that night. .....I'm sure Tuesday will be here before we know it!!!
4 days!!! Wonder what she'll look like. I dream of a little girl following her daddy in our garden (obviously a dream because ours is sort of lacking this year) but can only see her from behind. Pretty cool to see her though. Totally think this is a good thing!
I've started to bring people in again and not distance myself so much. I don't ignore the phone ringing right now and have actually felt good about the fact that my mom seems to be calling every few days just to check on me. I have really been wanting this week to fly by and it really has. I felt that I slept most of Monday and Tuesday away. And recently, just want to make sure we're getting done what needs to be done.
I packed Ireland's bag. Granted, it's probably too much and just packed things that I wanted her to have. I have a bear that has the heartbeat sound, the angel blanket from my mom and dad, Tristan wants her to have the dog he slept with, a few books, lotion for my hands being constantly washed and probably very dry, a few homemade blankies, a few things acquired with her name on it and the ladybug theme from home, probably too many outfits that I know she won't be allowed to wear (just being optimistic), her little eye masks that I made, tons of socks, hats and mittens.........hmm, no diapers or wipes or practical things like that even though I did pack a bit of toiletries (just in case...soaps, brush, nail clippers...things I'm sure we won't need but still....best to be prepared).
I have not packed my bag, or made a list for Mikey or Tristan. I did, however, wash all laundry and Lucky (our dog) got his world turned upside down this week by having the surgery/snip-snip/yes-they're-gone, done...we heard this would be a good thing to have done, plus we figure it's socially responsible. ...We should have just enough milk to last us until Monday....Tristan has his schedule for school and his locker has been found and he can open it....We have a hotel booked until Sunday of next week (T's school starts then and we'll do our best to commute at this time)....we have a dog sitter (God bless the Sanders family!!!)....we have a Visa card to purchase meals for the week and probably sustain us with gas for a bit (thanks to Mikey's old shop!!! and friends and family, too!!!)....I have read the literature to keep me positive and have packed my "blue day book" that can always make me (or anyone with a heartbeat and love for animals) smile....the ipod is loaded...i dug up some old VHS movies (no disc player) for my hospital stay and for Tristan's wait while I have the c-section....I've purchased nursing pads, sanitary pads and writing pads.......we're essentially set to go!
We just need to pack our bags. And take the trash out. And ask someone to get our mail. And take the probable spoils out of the fridge. And change the litter box (Mikey's job). And make sure the cats have plenty of food and someone to come say hello to them once or twice. And get those books I promised Tristan. And charge the camera..........okay, we're not totally ready but we will be.
4 days!! Glad to be excited. Trust my doctors and Trust Ireland's doctors. Think the nurses we've met have been great, the social workers are totally there for us when we need them, and well, we just need to enjoy this weekend and make Monday exhausting so that we'll be able to sleep that night. .....I'm sure Tuesday will be here before we know it!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Last appt before Ireland's B-day
Well, I want to thank everyone for comments from my last post. It almost feels wrong to post personal desires of hope and just plain ole' opinions in the shadow of someone else's tragedy. I reconcile this by telling myself that life does continue on and that I know that my prayers for everyone else are so sincere. I have read comments from my blog and the other blogs and am continuously amazed by the support out there from those that have heavenly and earthly angels. (I used to not like this term of babies earning their wings until I read someone call their baby an earthly angel, Tracy M., maybe?....it made something, somewhere click for me...and for whatever reason, the angel thing is okay right now...for those that want to balk at me, it's just another opinion and we all know that opinions are like a--holes, and everyone's got one...my blog, so I get to put it on here :) ) ......Also, thanks for continuing to think of us, personally. The advice and understanding from everyone is always so welcome. Often times, I read a comment and they hit my feelings on the nail...makes me wish they were my words. ...Prayers to you and all of your heavenly and earthly angels right this minute!
Anyway, today was the last appointment before my induction next Tuesday. I did not have my beloved Dr. Silver (due to his vacationing) but did have Dr. Denny (whom I called Dr. Denver during my post about inversion/flipping). Dr. Denny was just as awesome as my primary doc. I had a list of questions about c-section and what to expect. He answered everything, spent time with us and just eased worries. Don't we all wish all doctors can be this great?! ...anyway, Ireland did not flip for us. We figured as much and had already accepted that she'd be born by c-section. I'm not as worried about the whole scenario so much anymore. Also, I apparently have between 2 and 3 liters of extra fluid in there with little Ireland. Wow! Guess this means I'll be extra skinny once she's born, right?! She's maybe getting some extra safety cushioning?! ...I haven't really researched what all of the extra fluid means and don't want to fill your heads with bull ...But!, I think somewhere I remember reading that she's maybe not drinking the fluid or something like that...just don't really know here. I'll look it up at some point but really don't want to add some extra worry about something that I can not control. Dr. Denny agrees that Ireland is still best case scenario and I choose to stick with that thought.
Well, I know that baby Maximus Griffin is coming into the world today and pray that he'll have a quick time of his entire CDH battle and that their family can be home asap. Love and prayers to them right this minute!
Anyway, today was the last appointment before my induction next Tuesday. I did not have my beloved Dr. Silver (due to his vacationing) but did have Dr. Denny (whom I called Dr. Denver during my post about inversion/flipping). Dr. Denny was just as awesome as my primary doc. I had a list of questions about c-section and what to expect. He answered everything, spent time with us and just eased worries. Don't we all wish all doctors can be this great?! ...anyway, Ireland did not flip for us. We figured as much and had already accepted that she'd be born by c-section. I'm not as worried about the whole scenario so much anymore. Also, I apparently have between 2 and 3 liters of extra fluid in there with little Ireland. Wow! Guess this means I'll be extra skinny once she's born, right?! She's maybe getting some extra safety cushioning?! ...I haven't really researched what all of the extra fluid means and don't want to fill your heads with bull ...But!, I think somewhere I remember reading that she's maybe not drinking the fluid or something like that...just don't really know here. I'll look it up at some point but really don't want to add some extra worry about something that I can not control. Dr. Denny agrees that Ireland is still best case scenario and I choose to stick with that thought.
Well, I know that baby Maximus Griffin is coming into the world today and pray that he'll have a quick time of his entire CDH battle and that their family can be home asap. Love and prayers to them right this minute!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
CDH Loss and where I'm at
I asked for prayers this morning for Jackson Beal here on the blog and after a simple, take-for-granted and ordinary day, I checked their blog for a possible update and found out that he has passed away this afternoon.
I always do my best to leave comments on the blogs I read because goodness knows, I like reading mine. And yet, something like this happens and I have a tough, tough time finding the right words. I am aware that there is probably nothing worse that these parents will ever experience. I know that this was a possibility from the moment their baby was diagnosed with CDH. I even know it's a possibility with my baby and if you're reading this as another CDH mother or mom-to-be, you have this possibility as well.
It's hard to face this. A little secret for everyone out there, I sometimes hate (or extreme dislike, as I'd tell my son) the CHERUBS site, simply because I think the little angels and lists of lost babies is depressing. I think there is a wealth of information and goodness knows, I printed out the little Cherubs booklet as soon as Ireland was diagnosed, but since then, beyond supporting their information output, the emails of what they need, and little updates on my facebook account...well, I don't like that first page of the website. Who, atleast during this pregnancy stage of hope, wants to continuously be reminded that death is part of the equation? Who wants to really own up to the little 50-50 statistic? I sure as hell don't want to.
I remember at the initial diagnosis of Ireland. The complete feelings of being distraught, sad, depressed and thinking the absolute worse. I googled all I could. I got educated. I got mad whenever I'd see people talk about the blessings of CDH and totally roll my eyes at the disgusting thought. I reached out trying to find someone that could be mad with me and had one or two that said it was okay to feel that way. ....that was a pause moment. ...a stop and thank God someone finally agreed with me, validated my emotions, let me know I wasn't alone. Thanks especially to Bobbi, the friendly Canadian.
That's about the time I began this blog. I, not so slowly, began to chip away the anger and began to feel some hope. I found mothers from all walks of life and in differing stages of their CDH journey. I found the full spectrum of emotion that comes with this diagnosis and heard the joys and sorrows as well. Every step of this blog and my journey thus far, I've done my best to be true in my writings and to also support the others I meet in this small world. I've also done my best to remain positive for myself, the life within me right now, and to the outside world (whether here on the internet or in the world, at large). Nine times out of ten, I truly am that positive and hopeful. You have to be...or rather, I have to be.
My biggest fear is Ireland passing. I can't fathom the hurt, anger, sadness....any of it. I don't like to go here at all and truth be known, as I write these words, I tell myself not to worry, she'll be alright. But do you know that? do I? I certainly pray that she will be a quick recovery. I've invested time, emotion, money, and a ton of love already in this unborn baby of mine. I dream for her, worry about her, laugh at her, call her stubborn, call her adorable, want the world for her, and named her. She is real and I feel her. She is with me every minute of every day right now. And for the life of me, tears come so fast when I think of her birth. Yes, I'm excited to have her and hold her and love her into this world.....and I'm scared. She will be whisked away from me immediately and we'll be apart. How long? Can you say I'll see her in a few hours and think this is what I dreamed of for her, for me? Do I want her on a damn machine that is helping her survive? ..........yes, yes, we all know the routine, the fancy words for the scary equipment and medicines...the actual terminology of what's going on with our babies' organs...what's needed to get better...yada-yada-yada. I wonder if I'll think 3 weeks was a quick time for my miracle baby or if 4 months in the NICU helped my baby soooo much or if the lifetime of worrying about a patch not working or her reherniating or her not having such great hearing or struggling to eat or ....so many damn things......I really don't know what to wonder about here because I just want my baby to get well and come home and be well. Ya know what? Candice sure as hell probably thought these same things.
Anyway, countless mothers unfortunately have the better words right now for Candice. I would just pray she knows that I atleast know where she has been before today's sad news and because of that, I ache for her and her family. I ache for the families that have been through this before and for the ones that will face this later on.
I always do my best to leave comments on the blogs I read because goodness knows, I like reading mine. And yet, something like this happens and I have a tough, tough time finding the right words. I am aware that there is probably nothing worse that these parents will ever experience. I know that this was a possibility from the moment their baby was diagnosed with CDH. I even know it's a possibility with my baby and if you're reading this as another CDH mother or mom-to-be, you have this possibility as well.
It's hard to face this. A little secret for everyone out there, I sometimes hate (or extreme dislike, as I'd tell my son) the CHERUBS site, simply because I think the little angels and lists of lost babies is depressing. I think there is a wealth of information and goodness knows, I printed out the little Cherubs booklet as soon as Ireland was diagnosed, but since then, beyond supporting their information output, the emails of what they need, and little updates on my facebook account...well, I don't like that first page of the website. Who, atleast during this pregnancy stage of hope, wants to continuously be reminded that death is part of the equation? Who wants to really own up to the little 50-50 statistic? I sure as hell don't want to.
I remember at the initial diagnosis of Ireland. The complete feelings of being distraught, sad, depressed and thinking the absolute worse. I googled all I could. I got educated. I got mad whenever I'd see people talk about the blessings of CDH and totally roll my eyes at the disgusting thought. I reached out trying to find someone that could be mad with me and had one or two that said it was okay to feel that way. ....that was a pause moment. ...a stop and thank God someone finally agreed with me, validated my emotions, let me know I wasn't alone. Thanks especially to Bobbi, the friendly Canadian.
That's about the time I began this blog. I, not so slowly, began to chip away the anger and began to feel some hope. I found mothers from all walks of life and in differing stages of their CDH journey. I found the full spectrum of emotion that comes with this diagnosis and heard the joys and sorrows as well. Every step of this blog and my journey thus far, I've done my best to be true in my writings and to also support the others I meet in this small world. I've also done my best to remain positive for myself, the life within me right now, and to the outside world (whether here on the internet or in the world, at large). Nine times out of ten, I truly am that positive and hopeful. You have to be...or rather, I have to be.
My biggest fear is Ireland passing. I can't fathom the hurt, anger, sadness....any of it. I don't like to go here at all and truth be known, as I write these words, I tell myself not to worry, she'll be alright. But do you know that? do I? I certainly pray that she will be a quick recovery. I've invested time, emotion, money, and a ton of love already in this unborn baby of mine. I dream for her, worry about her, laugh at her, call her stubborn, call her adorable, want the world for her, and named her. She is real and I feel her. She is with me every minute of every day right now. And for the life of me, tears come so fast when I think of her birth. Yes, I'm excited to have her and hold her and love her into this world.....and I'm scared. She will be whisked away from me immediately and we'll be apart. How long? Can you say I'll see her in a few hours and think this is what I dreamed of for her, for me? Do I want her on a damn machine that is helping her survive? ..........yes, yes, we all know the routine, the fancy words for the scary equipment and medicines...the actual terminology of what's going on with our babies' organs...what's needed to get better...yada-yada-yada. I wonder if I'll think 3 weeks was a quick time for my miracle baby or if 4 months in the NICU helped my baby soooo much or if the lifetime of worrying about a patch not working or her reherniating or her not having such great hearing or struggling to eat or ....so many damn things......I really don't know what to wonder about here because I just want my baby to get well and come home and be well. Ya know what? Candice sure as hell probably thought these same things.
Anyway, countless mothers unfortunately have the better words right now for Candice. I would just pray she knows that I atleast know where she has been before today's sad news and because of that, I ache for her and her family. I ache for the families that have been through this before and for the ones that will face this later on.
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