One month

First off, I don't know why this blog has flipped my baby's picture. I've tried to rotate it several times with no luck. Oh well, isn't Ireland just beautiful?!

I can not believe that she isn't with me. I have such extreme emotions at times and have this feeling that I just don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm currently on 100mg of zoloft so I don't know if that is doing anything...just know that the dr's I had when she passed away really thought I needed it. Hmm, who knows?

Yesterday was time for my 6 weeks appointment. This was much harder than I thought it would be. Pregnant ladies were everywhere, this was the place that was previously filled with hope for us, and well.......it just sucked. .......Luckily, Mikey got time off to come to the appointment with me. I really think I would of had an accident if I would of driven myself. I could barely see through my tears just driving to the UofU hospital.

I've been home for some time now and have somehow become a scrapbooker. ....I figure that this is the only way I can continue to do something for Ireland. I'm not the greatest at it but there is something comforting about feeling that I'm doing something for my baby girl. .....I have so many pictures...not enough...but for only having her for 11 days, I feel that I have many. ......I can't get over how much Ireland changed from day to day. I look at all those pictures and wonder what she would have looked like as she grew. Of course, I imagine that she would continue to be beautiful. ....Mikey and I received the pictures from the group "now I lay me down to sleep" (they take pics of babies when they pass). Anyway, I was sort of disappointed in them. Her hands were photographed and obviously not cleaned after the hospital had made molds of them. Also, I think that as beautiful as she is in each picture...well, she's not there. The pictures that I have, she's there. ....Hard to explain.

...I think that Mikey and I are doing okay for what we're going through. Tristan seems to be doing okay too. This has been hard as hell and I don't know when any of us will feel "normal" again, but I do think we'll be fine. ....it's strange. One minute, I can be fine. The next minute, I'm just not so good. I like being home and am slowly getting out of what I've deemed my "self-imposed-isolation" but at the same time, I don't like the thought of going to too many places, seeing alot of people, being around children, or working at something that requires any amount of concentration or major decision making. ....the children thing. Well, I feel like a big meany sometimes. I've always loved babies and kids but I can only handle them a little right now...especially little girls. No offense to my friends with beautiful girls, it's just hard right now. I can see Tristan in little boys but I see Ireland and all my dreams for her in the girls and really any baby. It's just too much right now. Small doses.

Anyway, I have a friend coming by today to do some scrapbooking. We're practically Utah mormons, huh?! :) Just kidding. Love my mormon friends...all one or two of them!

.......well, I wanted to add that I miss blogging and communicating with everyone but I feel that my writing probably sucks due to my lack of concentration or maybe I can even blame that medication I'm on. I have no idea what will happen to this blog or where my part in CDH awareness lies. I figure that I've got nothing but time right now and that I don't need to know everything at the moment. I'm still grieving in my own way and just trying not to be some depressing sap. .........Mikey and I would like to try for another baby. I have mixed feelings here and know I want the baby but really could do without the pregnancy....give me some time to figure that one out, for sure! ..........Anywho, look at my lovely Ireland. She's just so adorable and missed so much. I had no idea that she wouldn't be home with me eventually. I felt nothing but confidence in her and still don't like to go to that last morning of her life. I say that I don't understand what happened and seriously, I don't. There are facts that I understand and facts that I either block out or just don't want to understand. I don't know. I just wish she were here.

If nothing else, I am learning to truly believe that there are things worse than death. I can not explain this in detail right now because today, I want Ireland here with me. Even wanting Ireland in my arms, I know that I'd want her to feel good and never have to suffer, I'd want her to know that I was loving her and keeping her best interests at heart always..........yet another thing hard to explain. I just know without a doubt that I love Ireland and will never stop missing having her in my life. She will forever be my beautiful daughter and I hope that our heaven will either have her in my arms or holding my hand so that we can just be together.....this thought is what keeps me going. ..........those that have no faith love to say that religion is based on our fears of dying, maybe they're right because I would rather die today then to think that I would never be with my Ireland again. .........Fortunately for me, I know that her birth alone (and any birth for that matter) is proof of a good God and that sustains me.

Gone but not forgotten

It has almost been a month since my baby daughter has left this world but the pain of her loss is still as strong today as it was then. I find myself fighting to look at some of her pictures, mostly the ones of her right after her surgery. Chanda has been a fighter during these hard times for me and don't know what I would do without her. We were at old navy today getting T some clothes and the fitting room of course it right by the baby stuff. I saw a little halloween outfit that said hoot hoot I'm so cute in pink and thats all it took for the tears to start slowing going down my face. Its the little things that can get me I guess. I know everyone tells us that in time it will be easier and I'm sure it will. But 11 days just wasn't enough time for this daddy...... and only a month from her passing just doesn't seem like it has been that long.

Everyone that has read this blog has been such a help to Chanda and me. We don't know what will become of it but in time the answers will be found. Thanks again to all......

Ireland Rose Brady's daddy forever............

Dear Ireland

Dear Ireland,
I love you. I love you sooooo much that I hate to open my eyes because then you're not there. If I close them, I see that special day that we had. You were smiling and talking to me, I swear. Your arms were going and your little toes were curling and it was just a good day for your Daddy and I. This is the time of all your too short 11 days that I will burn into my memory.

I love you. When I can't think of what to say...I just think, I love you. I struggle with what we decided. When they had us come to your bed and kiss you, I swore you were breathing and I really just didn't understand why all of the nurses and doctors weren't doing more for you. Your daddy says that you weren't really breathing and that your little lungs were full of blood. Maybe I should have paid better attention when the doctors were talking because I just don't understand any of this. Honestly, baby, I didn't want to understand. I just saw you looking beautiful and that is all I wanted to know. You are the cutest little girl that I have ever laid my eyes on. I hope you know how very much I wanted you and I feel that I needed you, too. ....I just love you soo much. I'm having a hard time today. I woke up early, around 5 and just started talking to you and seeing you. Around 7, your daddy started to wake up and I opened my eyes and the crying began. I was really sort of mad that the sun came up. That's probably silly but it didn't seem right to me......Ya know, I don't know when I'll ever stop hurting. With every corner, I see you because I just wanted you so very badly. I went to your room yesterday to comfort your brother when we got home. That was hard but I could see how much everyone loved you too. Your daddy made you a beautiful room. He painted it, put a border around, put a stubborn crib together and moved furniture a million times for me. As for your brother, he's dealing with this much better than I thought. He had a hard time yesterday morning when he saw me holding you, his ride home wasn't very good and he's not real thrilled with this new sad mom but he comes to let me know he loves me and loves you, that helps him and me.

Oh Ireland, I love you. Fresh tears keep spilling and I'm sort of sorry because I want to celebrate your too short life too. Your dad and I picked out some pictures just a bit ago to print out and that is what helped me get out of bed. We actually got to smile a few times, too. We so wish we would have taken more pictures. We just had no idea...I had no idea. I truly felt in my heart of hearts that you'd be coming home. I felt we'd have a long venture at the hospital but I really did think you'd come home. You have all of these clothes, things I've made for you, things that others made just for you, this beautiful room...we had this awesome life planned out and you were a huge part of that. I couldn't wait for you to sneak in my make-up, get into my shoes, want to have a tea party, and crawl in my lap to have me read to you. I had this major plot to turn your daddy into a complete sap when it came to you. Funny, you sort of did this one on your own.

I have imagined that you'd show me everything as new again. Colors were already looking a little brighter once you entered this world. Heck, we even had this gorgeous double rainbow one day...I felt certain that this was a sign of good things to come. I had already decided that you'd be a little fairy for halloween. I had you in this pretty green outfit with frilly tutu of a thing and a little head thing going around with little roses weaved in and out. You would of been the prettiest fairy. I understand your granddaddy Doss was calling you Tinker-Bell...how appropriate because I could just see you as this feisty, fun little thing.

I got a major cry when I saw that my inbox had over 100 messages. I'd imagine they're all about you and when I feel that I can breathe, I will read them and surely find comfort. I just can't do that yet and I hope you understand that I'm not being selfish,.............maybe a little, I'm just sad. I wanted you here with me.

Yesterday morning, after we saw you in your little bed, your daddy and I went into a room and they brought you to us. I had them wrap you in a little blanket that I had made. I don't know if it was the prettiest one you have but I made it for you and was so glad that it was there for you. You looked so cute and so beautiful and I swear you were smiling and just looking so dang peaceful. I didn't realize it at the time, but a nurse came in to check your heart beat and it was beating so I'd like to think that you knew your daddy and I were there. I hope that you know we were loving you ...I hope loving you out of pain and into what brought you that smile and that peace. I couldn't stop touching you and kissing you and when your daddy held you, he just rocked you. Your brother saw you too. He couldn't talk because you were his little sister and he wanted you too. He only stayed a bit but he was loving you too and I hope you know that. .....I love you. I think we gave you the perfect name. Ireland Rose. ....I think that is the most beautiful name in the world and I'm proud to say that I came up with that and gave it to you. Ireland wasn't just a name for a pretty island. It was the name of a celtic goddess. Her name was Eyre...the goddess of soverignty and if I understand correctly, that means she was a law unto herself....there are probably more in depth meanings but I like this. .....Ireland Rose. You were definitely calling the shots the entire time that we knew you. You showed us miracles daily and proved the doctors wrong more than once. .......That last day when we decided that we wanted you to not suffer and not be in pain and that all options were running out, because baby, I was willing to push your strength and test it but all options pointed to a road that led to an inevitible outcome of "this", so we had to make the decision to choose a life that was not to be had on this earth but elsewhere. It was the hardest thing. .......I love you. ........I really thought you'd prove the docs wrong again, they'd come get us and say "wow, she's doing great".....I really, really thought this. How dumb of your mommy to not listen to those smart doctors. .....They were really the nicest people and I'd like to think they gave it their all to save you. Goodness knows we asked if we made the right decision and all told us that we were brave and did make the right decision. ....I don't think we were brave at all. We didn't want you to hurt anymore but like I said before, I would have pushed you a little further had I thought we could have got through this. You have a stubborn mom and I felt that you had a fighting spirit in you. I want you to know that I thank you, my precious little Ireland. Thank you for my 11 days, thank you for showing me how you could overcome things so quickly....you will always be loved.....thank you for those times that you looked at us and for that day that you were speaking to us...there were not words heard but baby, I saw that you were talking back and it was a beautiful thing......thank you for holding on so that I could finally hold you in my arms and you were there...I know you were there. .....I just love you. .....I loved your daddy so much and was so glad that you came into this world. You were made through the deepest of loves. I hope you felt that. .....I feel like I'm not saying everything that needs to be said and I'd imagine that I'll talk to you forever...I know that I'll talk to you forever.

I promise to love you always and keep you in my heart with the happiest of memories. Your time was just way too short. I promise to love you daddy and your brother always. You can never be replaced. Pictures will never completely do justice to the beauty of you..to your complete adorable-ness and cute-ness. ....I've always been afraid of death even with religion or anything...I've just been afraid...maybe of what I'd be missing here on earth or maybe even because I wouldn't want others to miss me....right now and forever, I'm not afraid of dying. I'll one day get to be with you again and that will be amazing. Until then, I'll talk to you, love you, see you, remember you, hold you in my heart........I'll love all of our family and not take any of them for granted....I'll do my best to respect the life I have because you showed me how precious each day can be. Thank you Ireland. Ireland Rose. The most beautiful words put together and the loveliest gift I could have ever recieved on this earth. .......I hate ending this post, this letter....but, I'm not ending anything, right? You are with me and I with you. xoxo

Sad news

This is Mike and Chanda's friend Meredith. I have been asked to update the blog for them today. I am deeply sorry to inform all of you of this, but Ireland Rose lost her battle with CDH this morning. Mike and Chanda had to make a decision that no parent should ever have to make. They chose to end the suffering of their beautiful little baby knowing that she would not survive without being on ECMO. I just want to say that my heartfelt condolences go out to Mike, Chanda, Tristan and the rest of their family. I pray that God will give them the strength to deal with their loss.
A memorial will be held at Myers Mortuary on 1900 in Roy on Tuesday, September 1 from 6-8 pm.

Short update

I can't say much. Chanda and I have had to worst day ever here... Her morning try off ECMO went so wrong that we haven't stopped crying since then. Her poor little lungs filled with blood and we just about lost her.... They have put Ireland on a whole new ECMO machine now and we've really been told that if they can't get her off of it "soon" that we aren't looking at a very good outcome. It sucks that the machine that is keeping her alive is also her worst enemy because of the blood thinners that have to be used with it she is just bleeding every time they try to take her off. We are just at a lose right now. We still have hope but now the fear is very very real to us. She did very well on the transfer to the new machine and they were going to use less blood thinners to try and curb they bleeding and for now it seems like it has worked. They next 3-4 days will be hell, but whatever the result I love Chanda more than anything and we will be there for each other no matter what. Hope they can just let Ireland rest up and pray the next try will be the one.. LOVE YOU IRELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being corny/sentimental

I have not been very good at posting on this blog lately. I've been tired and am constantly feeling a nervous wreck. Today we climb that mountain of permanently getting off ECMO (her life suppport/safety net). I'm scared and excited for her to be done with it. I really pray that we're not asking too much, too soon. If nothing else, Ireland has proved to be one hell of a fighter. She is amazing to me.....One of us will post once we know how well she did. Her trial went well last night with them just having to turn up the ventilator. Imagine that once she is off this ECMO that it'll do wonders because she won't be on all those nasty blood thinners anymore. .....Also, so unlike me to have such a small post :), but I just wanted to say that I'm so thankful to have a hubby like Mikey. He keeps everyone informed and has just been awesome to me throughout all of this, I'm going to hate when he goes back to work. He has been what I need on a daily basis and I'm just really lucky to have him. And then, I want to say that Tristan has been great too. He finally showed some major emotion last night and it was time. It's hard for a young teen to understand all of this and he's just ready for Ireland to come home. ....I love all of my family but this little immediate family of mine, Mikey, Tristan and Ireland...well, I'd give them the world on a platter.

thought morning would never come

Well our Ireland is still keeping Mommy and Daddy crazy. We went to see her around 830 last night and poor thing had quite a bit of bleeding going on from her intestines silo. Nurse changed the gauze pads and everything, poor thing. We wanted to spend some time with her cause with the surgery earlier yesterday and then they went back in to work on the blood loss, we didn't feel like we were there for her much. Well as things go at the NICU, we were there for about 10 min. then we were told that another life flight baby was coming into our bay and we would have to leave. AGGGHHHHHHH Just want some time with my little girl!!!! So we decided to go to the hotel and try... and I mean try.. and get some much needed rest so we could be strong for Ireland in the morning...10pm phone call from the DOC. Ireland's bleeding was much more than he wanted to see and he would have to go back in and try to find and stop the bleeding.. Now this would be the 3rd time in less than 12 hrs our poor sweet heart would have to go under the knife.... I hope so much that she isn't in pain and her little body can handle all these drugs they have to use on her. I feel like she is fighting so hard for her daddy and mommy and I just wish I could trade places with her. No parent in the world would want to see this happen to there little precious girl and I pray I'm not asking to much of her. She has given this daddy so much in such a small time that I can't wait for the days and months ahead. Sorry got off on a little tear fest moment there...Back to my baby... doc called back around midnight and said he found a small cut/tear on her intestine and a bleed on her stomach wall. He put a small stitch on both and it seemed to keep everything as dry as can be expected for what she is going through. Getting ready to see her this morning and will update all after wards. Lots of love to my brother in law Phil... He wishes so bad he could be here for Chanda and just know Phil you are with us through all your love and phone calls!!!!