For those in the CDH blog community, Shawn has updated the status of the Beal family. It looks as if the weekend will be a rough one. To the right, scroll down a bit, Jackson Beal has a link to his blog. Please send a thoughtful comment. I'm sure that they help. ...this is yet another baby that I've followed and I enjoyed a few email back and forth with his mom, Candice. They're a nice little family and it's just so hard to know the words to say when you have not walked in their shoes.
Just a quick update on me this morning, I hurt. The bruising (from inversion) is probably a little better but at 10 days to go before I'm induced, I'm finally knowing that it's time to settle down. I say I'm lazy and such, but like many of us, my laziness does include laundry, basic cleaning and constant something whether sewing (hobby) or going to the store, etc. Since the inversion, Mikey and Tristan have had to take over. They do pretty good, too. I still can't quite sit still for too long and do a few things but my stomach aches, walking causes cramping and such a feeling of heaviness and well, as much as I want Ireland here, I also know it's best to have her inside me for as long as possible for lung maturation.
I have an appointment Monday and will see if Ireland has flipped around but I'm feeling pretty sure that she's in a happy place with her bum still sitting on my cervix. It's okay. There is a level of acceptance and everyone has assured me that a c-section isn't too bad and I've gotten some pretty good advice here and there. If anything, I'm amazed how well my pregnancy has truly been. I've decided that I'll miss her squirming around in there. Mikey would love one more, and I would too really....but, who knows if this'll be my last. I'm not a young chickadee anymore and it took 5 years to get here! For those few that insist on letting me know how big I am currently, I know it's temporary and that my baby has had a pretty decent home in here. Hell, I've provided extra fluid and consider this air bags...granted, wish I could bring the fluid down but focusing on the positive of this.
Anywho, I'm patiently awaiting the arrival of this little one and praying for the other little babies that seem to take up so much space in my heart right now. Whether they're in utero, just born, finally home, currently living the dream or peacefully watching over us all...I somehow love these little ones and don't so much think about the why's of CDH right now but the fact that they have opened doors of love, prayer and compassion on so many levels to so many people.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Inversion = flipping baby....or not
Well, the inversion/flipping of Ireland was not successful. After a stay from 630am to nearly 5pm, and alot of uncomfortable pushing, Ireland never budged. It didn't even phase her. Her heart beat remained the same throughout. ....meanwhile, I apparently channelled my inner sailor as I was pushed in a not so friendly way.
Just for education's sake, I'll let you know that the actual procedure did not take long. There were truly 3 tries and from hands on the belly to off cumulatively was no more than 15 minutes. (At this point you can stop reading unless you want the details)
I had a quick ultrasound first thing in the morning to see if her head was still up and of course, I was not getting off that easy. From there, various doctors come to check out the fat chick in the hospital gown, repeating what's going to happen, having me sign a few papers, and repeating one too many times what'll happen in the event of an emergency...basically, c-section that day which I let them know was not acceptable...I had laundry at home, no camera and was not packed at all. I had two great nurses...Brittany and Sarah. I was given an IV first thing in the morning, just in case it would be needed later (along with the typical monitoring of fetal heartbeat and contractions). Of course, my fat hand jumped when first feeling pain of a needle, causing the needle to go through the vein. Ouch. On to the next hand. IV was placed more on my wrist due to hard to see veins of said hand. Well, apparently the full moon got all of the Salt Lake preggos in a state because my planned inversion would have to wait for several unscheduled but necessary c-sections. The docs and nurses let me know that because little Ireland would have special needs if an emergency c-section were needed with us that it was in our best interest to wait for the inversion....they didn't want to have the operating room being used when it was possible that I'd need it. How thoughtful and understandable, yet once again, I nodded, smiled and said let's not forget I've got some serious laundry at home so please stop saying these things.
Well, after several hours of nothingness, they felt I should get a drip bag since I hadn't eaten in FOREVER!!! Mmmm, Mmmm...nothing like saline solution in your arm to satisfy!!!
About an hour or so after this, little Mrs. Muffet and her hubby arrived in the bed next to mine. I (inwardly) hated this just because who doesn't want their privacy. The nurse said that she hasn't remembered in forever when they were so busy that they had to have a shared room. ....anyway, Mrs. Muffet (surely not real name but totally appropriate) was like 12...okay, she was recently 21. She was also there for this inversion because she was "just positive" that the baby's head was now up. Mrs. Muffet and I didn't talk at all but were separated by some thin curtain where I obviously listened to see why she was there...I'd been in the hospital forever, I was entitled to listen. ....Well, Mrs. Muffet was very dramatic. She was sure that she'd felt her baby flip and that she was definitely ready for birth now. Please input whiny voice here...surely you can picture her. She had a slight whining every 10 or so minutes and before you think I'm just not nice here, her fetal monitors showed up on our computer as well...she was fine. .....Well, jump another hour or so when the good doctors (minus my beloved, vacationing Dr. Silver) came in ready for my inversion. There were 3 doctors, Nurse Sarah, an ultrasound machine, hubby and me in a curtained off area in this room. The ultrasound once again showed that Ireland was happily playing head up, bum down. Well, the head doc, Dr. Denver, decided that one doc would push the bum up while the other doc monitored the head through ultrasound while also pushing the head...all of this in a clockwise motion. About 2 secs before the pushing began, he reminded Sarah to give me some good drugs. Whatever I took, it was some fast working stuff! Well, the extra doc must have been on standby for emergency. ...alas, one, two, three, push..........OH MY GOD!!! They were pushing deeply down and in their clockwise motion though it sort of seemed that they were just poking deeply with a slight push that was not moving. I don't even think I can fully describe this...I do know that I was trying to be kind enough to not scare Mrs. Muffet at the next bed over (see, some compassion) but having sort of lifted my hips off of the bed because it was truly that painful. They stopped and Dr. Denver told Nurse Sarah to give me more meds. I asked if I could just breathe a bit before they tried again. The docs discussed how she hadn't budged and let me know that I had such a large amount of fluid that it was actually making the inversion much more difficult because they could not get a good "grip" on her. Mikey later let me know that for as deep as their fingers were going, it seemed like a ton of fluid between where you could see (on the ultrasound) their fingers pushing and her actual head. The bum protrudes so the doctor could feel himself pushing that.........Round 2. The docs began again for several minutes when at this point I did stay somewhat quiet but this is when I began to channel my inner sailor and actually even said that I hoped I wasn't offending anyone (see, I can be polite too). Well, round 2 did not work, once again she didn't budge. They monitored her heartbeat for a minute and noticed that she really had no change at all. She was just snug as a bug. The 2 docs doing the actual inversion traded places and asked if I'd like to give it one more try because it could happen and this was best for us. Of course, we were there and had waited all day. I can't say I "wanted" to do this again but I knew we had to try. Round 3. This time the pain was blinding. Doctor Denver saw that absolutely nothing was progressing and it was time to stop. He discussed a c-section and let me know that he'd schedule the operating room for the 18th so that I could go ahead somewhat with Dr. Silver's original plans. I let him know that I was scheduled to see the midwife on the following Monday and we figured we'd check then to see if Ireland decided to go head down but he felt certain that at this point she wouldn't move.
Oh well, Ireland and I had to be monitored for the next hour to make sure nothing major happened before I could go home. Nurse Sarah brought us a sandwich and sprite. We got comfy enough to pass this hour and leave.
Meanwhile, there was whispering going on at Mrs. Muffet's side of the room and a few docs started coming and going on her side. I'll just say at this point that Mrs. Muffet really wanted to be pitiful and to have her baby that day. ...well, not much longer we see the docs with the ultrasound machine and Mrs. Muffet is about to have her inversion. They start the preliminary ultrasound, and sure enough, her baby is fine. The baby is happily head down. Yes, they're sure she's in pain but her contractions are not bad at all and quite normal for where she's at in her pregnancy. Give it some time Mrs. Muffet. No, they will not induce her at this time because it's not time and there is no need.....Poor Mrs. Muffett. She signed some papers and they were sent home.
We were still there. Felt groggy, bruised and hungry. Felt they must of forgotten us. Eventually, we too were sent home.
Well, today, I'm just weary and definitely bruised. My belly is not so much purple as very red and the veins are very visible where the pushing took place. My tummy actually feels tighter as if Ireland somehow magically produced more fluid. Hard to explain this and it may all be in my head as far as feeling tighter....just know the bruising part is very real. I feel I have a somewhat decent tolerance for pain and yet, this really hurts. It hurts when Ireland hits it and when I even touch it lightly.
Anywho, guess I'll be having a c-section. I know this is routine and fairly safe nowadays but I fear it just the same. Mainly, because I am ignorant to all that it entails...before, during and afterwards. I've always skipped over any reading on this because I didn't think it applied to me. I figure I'll read up on it here soon...plus, I'm wondering if this changes the clothes I'll want to pack that first week at the hospital....suggestions welcomed.
p.s. totally don't mean to offend young mothers with my account of Mrs. Muffet...I was 21 (almost 22) when I had my son.....but seriously, she was a great distraction
Just for education's sake, I'll let you know that the actual procedure did not take long. There were truly 3 tries and from hands on the belly to off cumulatively was no more than 15 minutes. (At this point you can stop reading unless you want the details)
I had a quick ultrasound first thing in the morning to see if her head was still up and of course, I was not getting off that easy. From there, various doctors come to check out the fat chick in the hospital gown, repeating what's going to happen, having me sign a few papers, and repeating one too many times what'll happen in the event of an emergency...basically, c-section that day which I let them know was not acceptable...I had laundry at home, no camera and was not packed at all. I had two great nurses...Brittany and Sarah. I was given an IV first thing in the morning, just in case it would be needed later (along with the typical monitoring of fetal heartbeat and contractions). Of course, my fat hand jumped when first feeling pain of a needle, causing the needle to go through the vein. Ouch. On to the next hand. IV was placed more on my wrist due to hard to see veins of said hand. Well, apparently the full moon got all of the Salt Lake preggos in a state because my planned inversion would have to wait for several unscheduled but necessary c-sections. The docs and nurses let me know that because little Ireland would have special needs if an emergency c-section were needed with us that it was in our best interest to wait for the inversion....they didn't want to have the operating room being used when it was possible that I'd need it. How thoughtful and understandable, yet once again, I nodded, smiled and said let's not forget I've got some serious laundry at home so please stop saying these things.
Well, after several hours of nothingness, they felt I should get a drip bag since I hadn't eaten in FOREVER!!! Mmmm, Mmmm...nothing like saline solution in your arm to satisfy!!!
About an hour or so after this, little Mrs. Muffet and her hubby arrived in the bed next to mine. I (inwardly) hated this just because who doesn't want their privacy. The nurse said that she hasn't remembered in forever when they were so busy that they had to have a shared room. ....anyway, Mrs. Muffet (surely not real name but totally appropriate) was like 12...okay, she was recently 21. She was also there for this inversion because she was "just positive" that the baby's head was now up. Mrs. Muffet and I didn't talk at all but were separated by some thin curtain where I obviously listened to see why she was there...I'd been in the hospital forever, I was entitled to listen. ....Well, Mrs. Muffet was very dramatic. She was sure that she'd felt her baby flip and that she was definitely ready for birth now. Please input whiny voice here...surely you can picture her. She had a slight whining every 10 or so minutes and before you think I'm just not nice here, her fetal monitors showed up on our computer as well...she was fine. .....Well, jump another hour or so when the good doctors (minus my beloved, vacationing Dr. Silver) came in ready for my inversion. There were 3 doctors, Nurse Sarah, an ultrasound machine, hubby and me in a curtained off area in this room. The ultrasound once again showed that Ireland was happily playing head up, bum down. Well, the head doc, Dr. Denver, decided that one doc would push the bum up while the other doc monitored the head through ultrasound while also pushing the head...all of this in a clockwise motion. About 2 secs before the pushing began, he reminded Sarah to give me some good drugs. Whatever I took, it was some fast working stuff! Well, the extra doc must have been on standby for emergency. ...alas, one, two, three, push..........OH MY GOD!!! They were pushing deeply down and in their clockwise motion though it sort of seemed that they were just poking deeply with a slight push that was not moving. I don't even think I can fully describe this...I do know that I was trying to be kind enough to not scare Mrs. Muffet at the next bed over (see, some compassion) but having sort of lifted my hips off of the bed because it was truly that painful. They stopped and Dr. Denver told Nurse Sarah to give me more meds. I asked if I could just breathe a bit before they tried again. The docs discussed how she hadn't budged and let me know that I had such a large amount of fluid that it was actually making the inversion much more difficult because they could not get a good "grip" on her. Mikey later let me know that for as deep as their fingers were going, it seemed like a ton of fluid between where you could see (on the ultrasound) their fingers pushing and her actual head. The bum protrudes so the doctor could feel himself pushing that.........Round 2. The docs began again for several minutes when at this point I did stay somewhat quiet but this is when I began to channel my inner sailor and actually even said that I hoped I wasn't offending anyone (see, I can be polite too). Well, round 2 did not work, once again she didn't budge. They monitored her heartbeat for a minute and noticed that she really had no change at all. She was just snug as a bug. The 2 docs doing the actual inversion traded places and asked if I'd like to give it one more try because it could happen and this was best for us. Of course, we were there and had waited all day. I can't say I "wanted" to do this again but I knew we had to try. Round 3. This time the pain was blinding. Doctor Denver saw that absolutely nothing was progressing and it was time to stop. He discussed a c-section and let me know that he'd schedule the operating room for the 18th so that I could go ahead somewhat with Dr. Silver's original plans. I let him know that I was scheduled to see the midwife on the following Monday and we figured we'd check then to see if Ireland decided to go head down but he felt certain that at this point she wouldn't move.
Oh well, Ireland and I had to be monitored for the next hour to make sure nothing major happened before I could go home. Nurse Sarah brought us a sandwich and sprite. We got comfy enough to pass this hour and leave.
Meanwhile, there was whispering going on at Mrs. Muffet's side of the room and a few docs started coming and going on her side. I'll just say at this point that Mrs. Muffet really wanted to be pitiful and to have her baby that day. ...well, not much longer we see the docs with the ultrasound machine and Mrs. Muffet is about to have her inversion. They start the preliminary ultrasound, and sure enough, her baby is fine. The baby is happily head down. Yes, they're sure she's in pain but her contractions are not bad at all and quite normal for where she's at in her pregnancy. Give it some time Mrs. Muffet. No, they will not induce her at this time because it's not time and there is no need.....Poor Mrs. Muffett. She signed some papers and they were sent home.
We were still there. Felt groggy, bruised and hungry. Felt they must of forgotten us. Eventually, we too were sent home.
Well, today, I'm just weary and definitely bruised. My belly is not so much purple as very red and the veins are very visible where the pushing took place. My tummy actually feels tighter as if Ireland somehow magically produced more fluid. Hard to explain this and it may all be in my head as far as feeling tighter....just know the bruising part is very real. I feel I have a somewhat decent tolerance for pain and yet, this really hurts. It hurts when Ireland hits it and when I even touch it lightly.
Anywho, guess I'll be having a c-section. I know this is routine and fairly safe nowadays but I fear it just the same. Mainly, because I am ignorant to all that it entails...before, during and afterwards. I've always skipped over any reading on this because I didn't think it applied to me. I figure I'll read up on it here soon...plus, I'm wondering if this changes the clothes I'll want to pack that first week at the hospital....suggestions welcomed.
p.s. totally don't mean to offend young mothers with my account of Mrs. Muffet...I was 21 (almost 22) when I had my son.....but seriously, she was a great distraction
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Flipping Ireland!!!
Today was another ultrasound and truly my last appointment with Dr. Silver because he's going on vacation for the rest of this week and all of next week. Go figure with my induction date scheduled and ready to go when the good doctor gets back, Ireland decides to throw us all for a loop! Literally! This precious baby has been head down the entire pregnancy, making cute little faces and basically letting us know that the CDH will just be a little road block. Well, lo and behold, she has flipped head up with her bum covering my cervix. And because I've been so low the entire pregnancy, something about her bum being down has made it to where the ultrasound tech couldn't even check out my cervix. ....Point here, at 6:30am, I'll be back at the UofU so that some doctor (not MY doctor) can flip Ireland back to head down. Apparently, I will be given something to make me nice and relaxed while this guy and maybe some of his nurse buddies push on me and Ireland until she cooperates. Good ole' Dr. Silver says this will be "uncomfortable". I tend to hate that word because seriously, when has a doctor said uncomfortable and it just not hurt like crazy?! ...We discussed C-section but because I'd really like for Ireland to stay put until the 18th (optimum time for further lung growth) and I'd also like to recover ASAP, flipping her is the best option and he said the sooner the better. Mikey and I are pretty much thinking they want her head down asap so that she can relax and get comfortable before her debut in the next two weeks. ...Of course, I'll be monitored the entire time and Dr. Silver says this works 70% of the time. If anything were to go crazy wrong, I'd simply have a C-section.
Anywho, somehow still feel more positive than I have in awhile and somehow find her flipping around sort of funny. Feel she's just letting us know that she'll be in control (afterall, Ireland is not just a country but one named from the Goddess of Eyre who was goddess of sovereignty...law of the land, so to speak).
Well, please pray for no pain for me and lots of flipping gain for Ireland!
Anywho, somehow still feel more positive than I have in awhile and somehow find her flipping around sort of funny. Feel she's just letting us know that she'll be in control (afterall, Ireland is not just a country but one named from the Goddess of Eyre who was goddess of sovereignty...law of the land, so to speak).
Well, please pray for no pain for me and lots of flipping gain for Ireland!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Good info worth posting
I found this information about CDH through another blog. This is about the actual CDH surgery, the before and after. This information was found on the American Pediatric Surgical Association Website (http://www.eapsa.org/parents/resources/diaphramaticHernia.cfm) and thought it explained what would be going on without too much technical jargon. I'm not posting this to scare anyone. I just hope it'll sort of explain why I worry and maybe help some realize why I can be so excited and scared and nervous at the same time!! Every single baby with CDH has this basic outlook for before and after surgery.
BeforeSurgery All newborns with CDH require surgery; however, the timing of the operation may be different for different babies. In the past, people thought that the babies needed an operation immediately, but it now looks like that is not necessary. The operation may make the lungs worse because it can put pressure on the good lung. This is usually a problem for just a short time. Before surgery, the baby will usually have a tube going into the stomach and catheters in an artery and vein. The infant will be on a mechanical ventilator and most hospitals will try to keep the amount of pressure on the lungs from the ventilator as low as possible. This is to avoid injuring the very small lungs. The amount of oxygen in the baby’s blood will be watched constantly, usually with a device (pulse oximeter) on the hand or foot. The baby may need medicines to keep the blood pressure normal. In some hospitals, the baby may have a different ventilator that works very fast to breathe for the infant (a high frequency ventilator). If the baby does not keep the blood oxygen level high enough with these devices, heart lung bypass (ECMO) may be used for several days to weeks. This can only be done in very specialized centers and the infant may be transferred to a center that does ECMO. The baby will usually have surgery after the situation is stable. It may be days or weeks before an operation is done. If the baby is on ECMO, the infant may have the surgery while on the ECMO machine. The operation may make the lungs worse initially. This is because the intestines are put back into the abdomen and cause pressure on the lungs from below.
After Surgery After the operation, the baby will still be on a mechanical ventilator. Depending on how big the hole in the diaphragm is, the baby may need to be on a ventilator for days or weeks. The baby will be started on feedings as soon as the intestines start working, but this may take some time. Also, babies with CDH usually have some form of reflux of stomach contents into the esophagus (GERD) and this may make the feeding more difficult.Infants with CDH are usually in the hospital for weeks to a few months after the diaphragm is fixed. This mostly depends on how sick the baby is and how small the lungs are. After the baby goes home, they will be followed closely to make sure the hernia doesn’t recur. This can happen quite often, especially in babies with a patch repair of the diaphragm. This is because the baby will be growing, but the patch can’t, so the patch may slowly pull away.
BeforeSurgery All newborns with CDH require surgery; however, the timing of the operation may be different for different babies. In the past, people thought that the babies needed an operation immediately, but it now looks like that is not necessary. The operation may make the lungs worse because it can put pressure on the good lung. This is usually a problem for just a short time. Before surgery, the baby will usually have a tube going into the stomach and catheters in an artery and vein. The infant will be on a mechanical ventilator and most hospitals will try to keep the amount of pressure on the lungs from the ventilator as low as possible. This is to avoid injuring the very small lungs. The amount of oxygen in the baby’s blood will be watched constantly, usually with a device (pulse oximeter) on the hand or foot. The baby may need medicines to keep the blood pressure normal. In some hospitals, the baby may have a different ventilator that works very fast to breathe for the infant (a high frequency ventilator). If the baby does not keep the blood oxygen level high enough with these devices, heart lung bypass (ECMO) may be used for several days to weeks. This can only be done in very specialized centers and the infant may be transferred to a center that does ECMO. The baby will usually have surgery after the situation is stable. It may be days or weeks before an operation is done. If the baby is on ECMO, the infant may have the surgery while on the ECMO machine. The operation may make the lungs worse initially. This is because the intestines are put back into the abdomen and cause pressure on the lungs from below.
After Surgery After the operation, the baby will still be on a mechanical ventilator. Depending on how big the hole in the diaphragm is, the baby may need to be on a ventilator for days or weeks. The baby will be started on feedings as soon as the intestines start working, but this may take some time. Also, babies with CDH usually have some form of reflux of stomach contents into the esophagus (GERD) and this may make the feeding more difficult.Infants with CDH are usually in the hospital for weeks to a few months after the diaphragm is fixed. This mostly depends on how sick the baby is and how small the lungs are. After the baby goes home, they will be followed closely to make sure the hernia doesn’t recur. This can happen quite often, especially in babies with a patch repair of the diaphragm. This is because the baby will be growing, but the patch can’t, so the patch may slowly pull away.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Excitement, understanding, and the love of my blog
I've been asked about a gazillion times if I'm getting excited. For the record, I can not wait to see what my daughter looks like. I can not wait to hear what she sounds like and I can not wait to hold her in my arms. And for the record, I'm scared out of my mind. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a memorable look of her before she is wheeled off to the NICU. I am not really certain when I'll hear her for the first time since I understand that they prefer her not to make a peep but to be immediately hooked up to a ventilator. As for holding her, I hear that can be a week to three weeks. ........I am fortunate enough to have some incredibly understanding and empathetic people in my life that understand where I'm coming from. I, unfortunately, have those in my life that get a glazed look or turn silent as if something is wrong with me as well.
A few posts back, I was talking about frustrations, people in our lives, making confessions, etc. Well, someone that must be a kindred spirit, was talking about how she really distanced herself from others. Actually, a few that left comments seemed to be on the same page. ...Well, I feel that particular "distancing" instinct, increasingly, as the time for Ireland to enter this world nears. I talk on the phone less, have days where I don't care so much about facebook, decline offers for bbqs and the like, and even have been distancing myself from family (fairly easy when they're pretty far away). Sadly, I have a few people that I haven't exactly black-listed but at the same time, I just don't want to talk to them because they either say all the wrong things or they misunderstand or misinterpret me so much that I prefer to keep them at a major distance.
I feel that alot of people think I'm terribly negative right now. Honestly, I'm not. You figure a decent blog post takes anywhere from 10 minutes to a little less than an hour (if I'm really on a role). My emotions go from high to low and back again all day and (lately) all night long. When I sit down to write, it's a time of sorting through my emotions and such. I usually am alone except for any pets that happen to laze around me. The computer room stays fairly dark and quiet, I have a window if I choose to want light or fresh air, my bedroom is across the hall, there is a bathroom next door (where I'm often going to and from during any posting), and next to that is Ireland's room. ...I'm fortunate to have this room and I'm fortunate that my family sees that this is important alone time for me. I've never been a meditation type, I'm not really into exercise right now and well, this is my time. It's my blog and it's become a lifeline for me. It's my diary and it's where I turn to say anything and not feel heavy judgement. It is not quite my religion but it is bringing me closer to my God, whom at times, I've not felt as close to in some time. .....I just wanted to throw out there to the world at large that I'm thankful to be here, right now, in this age and time. I have needed the understanding of those that I've encountered through this technology. I believe others have needed me and the countless others that have supported them. I thank everyone that leaves comments and those that I can simply feel are praying for me and wishing us the best. I thank those that have left their blogs for me to read at random.
I've become a blog "stalker" as I near the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of this CDH journey. I am tired and don't move so much now due to 10 minutes of working equals about a 2hour napping excursion (slight exaggeration but not too far off the true mark). ...anywho, I've started that thing again where you go to all of the other CDH blogs and after reading the most recent post, you go back a few months, read what they had going on and compare notes. Am I feeling this way too, what was their final outcome? Am I going through this physically? Is my baby doing this too? Did he just say that's what he learned or am I interpreting this wrong? Have I taken what I'm supposed to from this particular post and thrown it in my memory bank so I'll understand later on? Woah!, she thought the same things I'm thinking and I don't want that outcome. or Wow!, that baby is over 2 now and she is still going through this?! or better yet, Amazing!, I hope that is our story too. .....in a morning of "blog stalking", I'm likely to cry, smile at some beautiful babies, get pissed at God, feel I've learned something valuable to tuck into the memory bank, feel overjoyed for a family, get ticked that they seem so grateful while I'm just moody, and pray more than I ever have and hope each word is heard and acted upon according to the greater good (is the greater good the right terminology here?...don't know, doing my best).
Anyway, these are my random thoughts for this morning. It's my scatter-brained entry. Think I'll go sew something, brush my teeth and basically, have a completely lazy Sunday with some laundry thrown in here and there.
A few posts back, I was talking about frustrations, people in our lives, making confessions, etc. Well, someone that must be a kindred spirit, was talking about how she really distanced herself from others. Actually, a few that left comments seemed to be on the same page. ...Well, I feel that particular "distancing" instinct, increasingly, as the time for Ireland to enter this world nears. I talk on the phone less, have days where I don't care so much about facebook, decline offers for bbqs and the like, and even have been distancing myself from family (fairly easy when they're pretty far away). Sadly, I have a few people that I haven't exactly black-listed but at the same time, I just don't want to talk to them because they either say all the wrong things or they misunderstand or misinterpret me so much that I prefer to keep them at a major distance.
I feel that alot of people think I'm terribly negative right now. Honestly, I'm not. You figure a decent blog post takes anywhere from 10 minutes to a little less than an hour (if I'm really on a role). My emotions go from high to low and back again all day and (lately) all night long. When I sit down to write, it's a time of sorting through my emotions and such. I usually am alone except for any pets that happen to laze around me. The computer room stays fairly dark and quiet, I have a window if I choose to want light or fresh air, my bedroom is across the hall, there is a bathroom next door (where I'm often going to and from during any posting), and next to that is Ireland's room. ...I'm fortunate to have this room and I'm fortunate that my family sees that this is important alone time for me. I've never been a meditation type, I'm not really into exercise right now and well, this is my time. It's my blog and it's become a lifeline for me. It's my diary and it's where I turn to say anything and not feel heavy judgement. It is not quite my religion but it is bringing me closer to my God, whom at times, I've not felt as close to in some time. .....I just wanted to throw out there to the world at large that I'm thankful to be here, right now, in this age and time. I have needed the understanding of those that I've encountered through this technology. I believe others have needed me and the countless others that have supported them. I thank everyone that leaves comments and those that I can simply feel are praying for me and wishing us the best. I thank those that have left their blogs for me to read at random.
I've become a blog "stalker" as I near the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of this CDH journey. I am tired and don't move so much now due to 10 minutes of working equals about a 2hour napping excursion (slight exaggeration but not too far off the true mark). ...anywho, I've started that thing again where you go to all of the other CDH blogs and after reading the most recent post, you go back a few months, read what they had going on and compare notes. Am I feeling this way too, what was their final outcome? Am I going through this physically? Is my baby doing this too? Did he just say that's what he learned or am I interpreting this wrong? Have I taken what I'm supposed to from this particular post and thrown it in my memory bank so I'll understand later on? Woah!, she thought the same things I'm thinking and I don't want that outcome. or Wow!, that baby is over 2 now and she is still going through this?! or better yet, Amazing!, I hope that is our story too. .....in a morning of "blog stalking", I'm likely to cry, smile at some beautiful babies, get pissed at God, feel I've learned something valuable to tuck into the memory bank, feel overjoyed for a family, get ticked that they seem so grateful while I'm just moody, and pray more than I ever have and hope each word is heard and acted upon according to the greater good (is the greater good the right terminology here?...don't know, doing my best).
Anyway, these are my random thoughts for this morning. It's my scatter-brained entry. Think I'll go sew something, brush my teeth and basically, have a completely lazy Sunday with some laundry thrown in here and there.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Ireland's daddy's turn!
Well first of all I have to send out lots of love to my beautiful wife. How she can get on here and get her true heart felt feeling out to "strangers" is a great testament to all of you that follow her blog. With that said, lots of hugs and well wishes to you all that have, are having, or have had a CDH baby. As the 18th of August gets closer I am getting the nerves if you will. I of course have the hope and dreams that she will be the little fighter I'm dreaming of and come through with flying colors. I've got so much else going on with my family at the same time that sometimes I feel guilty I'm not thinking of little Ireland more. I guess I just feel like she's alright inside and that I can save up all my worrying once she is out. Just my sister in Ohio isn't doin very well and the Dr's can't seem to find anything wrong with her. My grandfather just got out of the hospital with another big scare that isn't over. He really needs a surgery but isn't strong enough they think to make it threw. I thank my lucky stars Chanda is as strong as she seems and that when my downs r here she can get me through. Tristan has been great this whole time too.. well as good as a 14 year old can be in these times..lol... Well that enough of my bs. I just really wanted to say I'm thinking about all of your babies and am sending as much extra love that I have your ways. Good night all...
"Mikey"
"Mikey"
Emotions and Confession(s) to friendships and CDH truth
Well, first off, I wanted to say that I have an official date and time from the doctor. I'll be induced on the 18th of August at 730 am. This is good. Seems like a long time from now but I'm crossing my legs (best I can) and determined to keep her in there until then!!!
Next, I had one restless night of sleep!!! I'd love to say that I'm excellent at keeping up with all of the blogs I try to follow but truth is, I'm not. I tend to see/read every one's at least once a week or two and sometimes have spurts where I'm following for days. I think this is normal. ...Well, in the CDH world, there has been so much going on with the sites that I follow pretty regularly. I've had one baby go home after dang near 4 months of NICU! Yay! Little Ruby Hope is on her way home after 3 months (and might I add a hard time on ECMO). One twin has been home waiting for her sister for over a month now and sure enough Kamryn seems to be getting the message that she needs to heal quickly. One fellow blogger that had lost her son has been doing incredible work for others who have lost their CDH babies and continues to follow numerous blogs while grieving in her own way. One friend/blogger is having a 4th child and can't help but wonder that all will be well, seeing how she has one CDH daughter that has occasional struggles still. Yet another blogger friend has been having a tough time dealing with the loss of her son and worrying that another child may not be in her future. Another blogger friend, lost her daughter and has been dealing with decisions they made during their long stay in a far from home NICU, as well as the obvious grief that comes with loss .....and yet another CDH mom/blogger friend is about to begin her journey because (last I read) her baby is about to be born with a prognosis that I hope beats all odds. This all can occasionally keep me up at night with worry.
Ya know, I don't know one of these people personally. I would not know them if I passed them on the street and yet, I swear I feel their emotions sometimes as if they're my own. I've said it before, you can't help but feel that you know these people as you follow their lives...even if it's simply through words that took possibly minutes of their day to put down. Most of the time, what you're reading is their deepest wishes, sorrows, thoughts....they're not wanting to be alone and they're the type comfortable enough to put their emotions out there in hopes to help themselves and/or help someone else. Goodness knows this is why I began to blog.
Anywho, someday soon, I hope to figure out how to update my blog and add those that I follow and maybe change the pepto pink color just for the sake of ease of reading. Also, those that read my blog may have a day with extra time to catch someone else's blog, maybe leave a note or just say a little prayer for that perfect stranger dealing with this little known condition.
Well, confession time, part of my not sleeping is because I also have been feeling guilty. I had a recent "function" that I didn't attend for totally selfish (maybe, hopefully, not totally selfish)reasons. There was truth in what was said on the day I had my husband call but there was also a bit of my just not wanting to be there. I don't know about anyone else nearing their due date and feeling excited and nervous, but their are times when I want to distance myself from others. For instance, last night, I probably spent an hour or two just talking to people on facebook because I was excited about my induction date when I came home. Then, you have this declined "function" where I just didn't want to be around people. I was simply having a day. I had run around that morning and was tired and felt emotional. I didn't want to be around people that were letting me know how their lives were just going swimmingly. There was also most likely going to be a family with their newborn daughter there, and I didn't particularly want to ooh and aah that day. I didn't want to necessarily see all of the beautiful changes done to a friend's home when I feel that I've been neglecting my own. I also didn't want to discuss my pregnancy and all that comes with our particular circumstances. In a way, I think it was good that I didn't go. I would of been miserable company and honestly, everyone was there to have a good time. And...., I like everyone that was most likely there and am certain that baby I didn't want to see was perfectly adorable. .......just right now, my emotions tend to run extremely high and extremely low and I know when it's best for me to just say I need a nap and leave the room/function of the day. I have also noticed that certain friends are better to be around than others right now. I have friends that I can look like I just got out of bed, and they will make me feel right at home. There are others in my life, though they may be a friend, are just different. I've decided that this is just how adult friendships are. When we were kids, we had sleepovers with the best of friends and knew everything about each other. As adults, our friendships are different...at least for me. I have those that I've known for years and can walk around bra less and in pj's without the least bit feelings of inadequacy (barring that any significant other is usually not right there). I have newer friends that I feel this way around even. Then there are the friends that are on different levels of ya-know-me to we're still getting-to-know each other and only on certain levels....point is, most 'functions' have varying degrees of these friends and some strangers, and sometimes, ya just need to nap versus being social. Well, that is my confession of the day.
.....Anyway, I really want to stress that this CDH is just soooo not cool. I feel that because so many of us tend to normally put on a happy face to get through our day that people forget how serious this condition is. If you look at simply the blogs I follow, there is a seriously sad percentage of tragedies to great coming-home stories...and for all of us dealing with this or having dealt with this, our doctors are/were wonderful....and yet, bottom line for all of our prenatal care, researching latest studies, knowing the percentages for our particular situations, being at the best hospitals and having the best doctors...only God and our babies determine the outcome. ...I figure this can explain my scatter-brained postings and my emotional highs and lows. I am so very excited for August 18th to get here and for me to meet Ireland..... but I'm also very nervous about the end of my pregnancy that has for the most part been smooth sailing while Ireland's been living off of my placenta, my loving care.
Next, I had one restless night of sleep!!! I'd love to say that I'm excellent at keeping up with all of the blogs I try to follow but truth is, I'm not. I tend to see/read every one's at least once a week or two and sometimes have spurts where I'm following for days. I think this is normal. ...Well, in the CDH world, there has been so much going on with the sites that I follow pretty regularly. I've had one baby go home after dang near 4 months of NICU! Yay! Little Ruby Hope is on her way home after 3 months (and might I add a hard time on ECMO). One twin has been home waiting for her sister for over a month now and sure enough Kamryn seems to be getting the message that she needs to heal quickly. One fellow blogger that had lost her son has been doing incredible work for others who have lost their CDH babies and continues to follow numerous blogs while grieving in her own way. One friend/blogger is having a 4th child and can't help but wonder that all will be well, seeing how she has one CDH daughter that has occasional struggles still. Yet another blogger friend has been having a tough time dealing with the loss of her son and worrying that another child may not be in her future. Another blogger friend, lost her daughter and has been dealing with decisions they made during their long stay in a far from home NICU, as well as the obvious grief that comes with loss .....and yet another CDH mom/blogger friend is about to begin her journey because (last I read) her baby is about to be born with a prognosis that I hope beats all odds. This all can occasionally keep me up at night with worry.
Ya know, I don't know one of these people personally. I would not know them if I passed them on the street and yet, I swear I feel their emotions sometimes as if they're my own. I've said it before, you can't help but feel that you know these people as you follow their lives...even if it's simply through words that took possibly minutes of their day to put down. Most of the time, what you're reading is their deepest wishes, sorrows, thoughts....they're not wanting to be alone and they're the type comfortable enough to put their emotions out there in hopes to help themselves and/or help someone else. Goodness knows this is why I began to blog.
Anywho, someday soon, I hope to figure out how to update my blog and add those that I follow and maybe change the pepto pink color just for the sake of ease of reading. Also, those that read my blog may have a day with extra time to catch someone else's blog, maybe leave a note or just say a little prayer for that perfect stranger dealing with this little known condition.
Well, confession time, part of my not sleeping is because I also have been feeling guilty. I had a recent "function" that I didn't attend for totally selfish (maybe, hopefully, not totally selfish)reasons. There was truth in what was said on the day I had my husband call but there was also a bit of my just not wanting to be there. I don't know about anyone else nearing their due date and feeling excited and nervous, but their are times when I want to distance myself from others. For instance, last night, I probably spent an hour or two just talking to people on facebook because I was excited about my induction date when I came home. Then, you have this declined "function" where I just didn't want to be around people. I was simply having a day. I had run around that morning and was tired and felt emotional. I didn't want to be around people that were letting me know how their lives were just going swimmingly. There was also most likely going to be a family with their newborn daughter there, and I didn't particularly want to ooh and aah that day. I didn't want to necessarily see all of the beautiful changes done to a friend's home when I feel that I've been neglecting my own. I also didn't want to discuss my pregnancy and all that comes with our particular circumstances. In a way, I think it was good that I didn't go. I would of been miserable company and honestly, everyone was there to have a good time. And...., I like everyone that was most likely there and am certain that baby I didn't want to see was perfectly adorable. .......just right now, my emotions tend to run extremely high and extremely low and I know when it's best for me to just say I need a nap and leave the room/function of the day. I have also noticed that certain friends are better to be around than others right now. I have friends that I can look like I just got out of bed, and they will make me feel right at home. There are others in my life, though they may be a friend, are just different. I've decided that this is just how adult friendships are. When we were kids, we had sleepovers with the best of friends and knew everything about each other. As adults, our friendships are different...at least for me. I have those that I've known for years and can walk around bra less and in pj's without the least bit feelings of inadequacy (barring that any significant other is usually not right there). I have newer friends that I feel this way around even. Then there are the friends that are on different levels of ya-know-me to we're still getting-to-know each other and only on certain levels....point is, most 'functions' have varying degrees of these friends and some strangers, and sometimes, ya just need to nap versus being social. Well, that is my confession of the day.
.....Anyway, I really want to stress that this CDH is just soooo not cool. I feel that because so many of us tend to normally put on a happy face to get through our day that people forget how serious this condition is. If you look at simply the blogs I follow, there is a seriously sad percentage of tragedies to great coming-home stories...and for all of us dealing with this or having dealt with this, our doctors are/were wonderful....and yet, bottom line for all of our prenatal care, researching latest studies, knowing the percentages for our particular situations, being at the best hospitals and having the best doctors...only God and our babies determine the outcome. ...I figure this can explain my scatter-brained postings and my emotional highs and lows. I am so very excited for August 18th to get here and for me to meet Ireland..... but I'm also very nervous about the end of my pregnancy that has for the most part been smooth sailing while Ireland's been living off of my placenta, my loving care.
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