note for last post

On hindsight, felt the need to defend my last few comments or rather, defend my mom. Yes, she said something that hurt but want to add that my mother is as bad as me for not censoring herself at times. I love this woman dearly and also am infuriated at a drop of a dime by her. This is our relationship and that is the truth. One day, I may expand on this but I want it noted that she is one of the better women I know. She is generous and has a good heart...the best heart....she can simply be hard on me. Plus, she loves me. It is not neccessarily how I would like to be loved sometimes, but she is present and very much my mother. And, I love her. Enough said. Doubt much of my side of the family reads this (due to their busy and country lifestyle) but felt the need to throw this in here because it wasn't neccessarily right for me to mouth off as I did. In lieu of this somewhat lame apology of sorts, I choose not to censor myself too much on this blog because I vowed to be honest with my feelings and actions during this time. I still believe that there may be someone that reads this and feels connected rather than alone and for that, I'll continue on with I've started here.

Nervous

I am a bit nervous about the appointment with the pediatric surgeon this morning. First off, we have to arrive fairly early because we're not certain where we're going. Second, I've been enjoying my rose colored scenario and don't particularly want to see my reality.
I am not one bit prepared for meeting this doctor. I had all of these questions in my head and every intention of writing them out and I just have not done this. I figure I'll do this on the way to Primary Children's.
Last night or rather, this morning, I woke early thinking of some of the mothers that didn't bring home their babies. Morbid, I know. But I thought how they still check on the progress of those of us waiting to have our babies and I wonder how they do that. I suppose this may mean I'm selfish because part of me thinks that I'd prefer to shut off the computer for a good year or two after something like that. ...also, I've been having some pretty weird dreams anyway. I dreamt the other night that we were at the Grand Canyon and I kept falling. I'd go stand for a picture, the wind would blow, and my bloated body would just topple. Weird.
Anywho, very nervous about today. Finally got out of bed, fed the cats and commenced to get in the car to go get Beto's (it's a local place with incredible breakfast burritos). Well, as I'm driving, I realize that at nearly 5:30 in the morning, without a lick of a bra or even decent clothes beyond a flimsy night gown, maybe this isn't the brightest idea. So, knowing that only women are ever there, I run through the McD's drive thru for a mocha and hotcakes. Call me crazy, I am. Plus, Mikey will probably have woken up just enough to have heard the car leave and come home, wake up and believe I brought him home something yummy for breakfast. Sorry.
I want to throw in here that I'm missing Tristan. He's older now and so far, we've had some sort of communication daily but it's not alot and I just miss him.
Anyway, totally scatter brained this morning if you have not noticed already. I apologize for this. I'm just sort of shocked about my feelings for today. I'd so been looking forward to this appointment and well, it just seems that I'd rather go see my Dr. Silver that lets me know that I'm progressing well and so is Ireland. This doctor that I'll see today will let me know all of the probably realities of our situation from baby is born to she can finally come home. He'll let me know what they'll do when they take her from me the minute she is born, what tubes will be for what, why they're there, what my role will be in all of this, why it may take a while for actual repair surgery, how long all of this may take, we'll discuss what may happen long term...on and on. See? I haven't really gone here too often and don't really relish the thought of going there today. I've read the news, the latest sites, the personal blogs and know many of the basics of what to expect but this is MY baby and it will not just be a story but a part of my life. I'll actually be living through this nightmare of worry and beyond everyone's niceties, this will all suck very much. ...I wonder how Mikey and Tristan and I will all get through this. I suddenly am worried about the basic things like where will we all sleep?, will we come home?, we'll have to come home so Tristan can go to school, we'll have to eat at some point, do I really want to do the whole pump my breasts constantly thing?, ...basics. How the hell do we figure out the basic logistics of all of this? ....Is Ireland going to suffer like crazy? When can I touch her and talk to her? Is she really so bad that she'll have to be fed through damned tubes at first?? ...I'm getting a little teary and I really have not done this in quite awhile. Part of me is back to feeling anger because the biggest question for me is when can I hold my baby. Who the hell has to ask this question? ...excuse the sailor talk but I tend to get turrets when I'm upset. I can usually hold it in but this is who I am..no holding back. Which makes me think of my mom's comment my last day of seeing her. We were discussing her and my daddy visiting once Ireland is home and she made the comment that she didn't want me going on and on about what happened in the hospital. What kind of damn mother says that???...Jeannie, if you're reading this be prepared to know that the hospital staff will be led to believe you are my adopted sister and have all rights to be in the room any time because I am assured that I can say anything to you...

Well, I had better stop with the angry/sad/nervous post and get on to making my list of questions. Better mood will come later, I'm sure but needed to get this out.

catching up

Well, I’m currently at work and saving this in a word document to be posted later. As you can tell, I’m totally busy at the moment.
Anyway, I really enjoyed my long weekend in VA with family. I will recommend NOT traveling when totally huge and pregnant. The flights were not comfy, they were totally exhausting and for some reason the heartburn was beyond controllable. …other than that, I loved seeing my family and loved having lunch with a few long ago friends.
I was surprised at how much my nephew has grown…granted he was 4 months old the last time I really saw him and now he is nearly 2. It is incredible the growth that goes on with babies. The time truly flies waaaaaay too fast. ….My mother and I managed to get along the entire trip. Anyone who truly knows this relationship would be proud. I’ll keep it at that and surely have the occasional hurtful recollection show up at later times but not today. …I enjoyed seeing my dad and believe I talked to him more than I had in years. That was truly nice and special to me. ….My aunt was looking well for all that she has been through this past month and I am lucky to have a strong example like her in my life. …It’s always nice to see my brother and his wife. I love everything about them and just wish they lived closer to me. …….On Sunday night, I saw quite a bit of my family that came over for some desserts and just to hang out. That was really nice and I’m just amazed at how well that I believe my family ages. There are moments in the conversations that make me excited for retirement and moments when aging seems to truly be a pain (literally!). ….beyond seeing my nephews every move when he was around, the highlight would surely be my few hours of having seen long ago friends. They looked incredibly good and were so much fun to be with. It is really good to see how much we have changed and really how the core of us is essentially the same. It seems that through all of the ups and downs we’ve had, we’re all pretty strong women and manage to find happiness daily. Pretty cool if you ask me.
..another highlight of my trip was the pictures that my great hubby sent me through our phones. He’d apparently been working on the babies room and according to the 2 inch or so picture it was beautiful. I couldn’t wait to come home to see what he’d done. He even took an old dresser of mine and made it beautiful again with a coat of white paint….once home, it was exactly as it seemed. Gorgeous. We just need to get the crib set up and a rocker. Bring home beautiful baby and we are set.

Yesterday were appointments at the U of U. I had the ultrasound, blood test for diabetes, and the consultation with Dr. Silver. All went well. Ireland is so big now (over 3 pounds) that it is sort of hard to make out what’s what on the ultrasound but bottom line was that she was continuing to stay the course. She has no major changes in the diaphragmatic hernia and I had no issues with my amniotic fluids. We’re apparently continuing to be as fine as can be. I got the call this morning and do not have diabetes. Yay!! I was a little worried on this front because I’d heard that age could be a factor here. I am however, anemic. Was told to get a pretty specific dose for iron and to make sure I’m eating meat and such. I was also told to get some flax seed so that I don’t get “backed-up”. Yay for me. …After a few general preggo questions with the doctor, our only major question was wondering when we’d actually be induced to have Ireland. With the way things are currently going, the great doc believes we’ll just go for an induction on the week before her due date (so due date is Aug 23rd, her actual birth may be around the 16th). With the 16th being a Sunday, I wonder if they’ll go a few days earlier or later so the great doc can have a day off since it will obviously be a scheduled birth. Very excited for this. Suppose that I should be more nervous knowing that we’ll be at the NICU and all but seriously not anything but excited at the moment.

Also, tomorrow have an appointment with what will hopefully be the great pediatric surgeon that we are hoping for. We have already researched enough to know this surgeon is more than qualified but we’re hoping that his bedside manner is as good as Dr. Silver’s. We’ll see and I’ll be sure to update then.

As for today, I am working. I did the bulk of my work as soon as I got here and am currently in “observation” mode and also the ever present “if you need to ask a question, I’m here” mode. I’ll be in these modes for these people until lunch time. For those that don’t know, I typically work in new steel construction and that includes any newly fabricated pieces that are made in shops. Today, I’m in a small steel shop and doing some verifications of materials and drawings. It’s a very easy day because it is the beginning of a project and I am needed simply to make sure they are cutting the correct sort of steel and cutting it according to the drawings. Pretty simple stuff that doesn’t exactly take a genius at this point but working with the precious male egos, simple things can be made more complicated than necessary at times…thus the need for inspectors like myself. ….anyway, I could stay until the end of the work day but because I have the excuse of pregnancy and the drive out here is an hour, I’m opting to leave so that I can take my precious nap. Plus, it is raining. That makes me want to sleep even more. …..any other time, I’d be here for the day but ..ya know. I’ll be back at this same place on Friday. So terribly excited about that (input sarcasm here).
Well, once I’m home, I’ll either nap or post this. Once both are done, I need to get on some thank you notes. I received some adorable things for Ireland while I was home. This girl has a better wardrobe than I do at the moment!! She also received a really cute angel blanket from my folks for her bed and her aunt Amy knitted her an irish rose…literally the name of the pattern…it’s just a really beautiful knitted rose. Also, I need to eventually get on facebook and see what is going on with everyone and also would like to check on everyone’s blogs while I do some laundry. ….and hopefully, Tracy has a place to read this because I am pretty certain that she’s at the U of U right now with her boys and I wish to goodness we could meet…if it’s not possible, then know that you and your guys have been in my thoughts and prayers.
Okay, so as to actually earn some of the money that I’ll make on this little job, I’m going to mingle and see if all is still well here. Everyone take care of you and yours.

Whistling Dixie/dreaming of comfy shoes

Well, I'm heading to "home"...aka, Virginia this weekend. Tristan safely boarded his plane to TX and now it's my turn.
I am normally really sad the day that Tristan leaves but this time I only shed a few tears. People can say what they will about having an only child but ya know, my baby had no problem yelling across a crowd "love ya mom". Pretty cool. He'll be home in a month and I sure hope that he has a good time at his dad's. We'll typically text too much and talk at least once a day...gotta love electronics.
Well, have packed and am ready for all of my family and a few friends to see the round version of me. This'll be a new one for everyone. I'm sort of dreading the day tomorrow. We have to get up around 4 to get ready and have me at the airport at the recommended 2 hours earlier than take off. I'm a sucker for that rule because I've felt that we've cut it close before and I would just keel over if I missed my flight at 7. Plus, figure I'll grab a muffin or something for a breakfast and then hopefully, I'll just sleep most of the flight to Chicago where I'll have a bit over a 2 1/2 hour layover and can grab a decent bite for lunch before taking off to Richmond. ....I've really been struggling with my shoe choice for tomorrow. I tend to walk around the house in these ugly butt, bright yellow crocs that are about a size too big and comfy as all get out! Now, I've been known to go to walmart in these things for the sake that the rest of me is presentable. I'd probably wear them all the way to Richmond except for I've got that voice in my head saying "what would Mama do" (think I explained this in an earlier blog about how some say the WWJD, well, I feel I've got most of his rules down pat but my mom can be another level!! :) )...anywho, point is, my parents are seeing me at nearly 30 weeks pregnant and I have not seen them for nearly a year and a half...surely the big, ugly, so comfy crocs are out. It is just such a shame. I wore the presentable, nice little leather mary jane looking shoes to take Tristan to the airport, had them on for maybe 5 hours or so and came home with dents across my feet and my legs looking as if I shot them up with a saline solution. They truly didn't feel tight but let's face it...I have been living a pretty leisurely life style lately. Even the days that I work, I wear a size bigger boot and am rarely working more than a few hours at an actual job site and the rest is done at home on the computer. .....anywho, pray for my feet tomorrow. my flight too. and that Tristan is enjoying his stay with his dad. throw in one for Mikey too because he's going to miss us and he deserves a nice weekend.
Also, real quick, just got my first major baby gift yesterday from Ireland's auntie Donna in Colorado......way cool clothes. Cool socks, too. and bibs!!! My baby is already spoiled...how cool is that?!

Such a lazy blogger

Hi All!...I've been staying busy. I had a friend tell me at our bbq saturday that she worries when I don't write so I'm going to try to be better or atleast write a few times a week. Life with Ireland in tummy isn't such a ball of stress for me anymore because her outlook has been so good. We do have appointments coming up next week. Tuesday, I have another ultrasound and consultation with Dr. Silver, my diagnostic OB love/doctor and then on Thursday we have our first appointment with the pediatric surgeon. I'd imagine I'll post quite a bit either before or after that appointment. I'm excited and nervous for that one.
Anyway, I had an awesome bbq saturday night and wish all that I know and am getting to know could have come. Every year we tend to have one or two BIG parties and this was a good one. There were a few friends away due to us giving all of a two day notice but we still had a blast. There seemed to be tons of kids there this year. And of course as the night settles and the mild friends/younger parents trickle away, our wild people stay and make me laugh like crazy. I took a good nap that day so that I'd be prepared to stay up a bit and I'm so glad that I did...then again, a good friend moved the party to his house at around 11 because he was worried that I really needed to get some rest. Good people I tell ya! He needn't have worried but then again, I was instantly asleep when I laid down.
Also, have been sewing as if it's going out of style. I'm wondering if this is part of my "nesting" because in two days I've made like seven different bags and a requested neck pillow for my son. I've gone to the book store and bought like 4 craft books that I really didn't need and hoarded fabric to the point that last night my cheap butt sewing room storage system broke (of course, I did lean on it pretty heavily). Luckily, my good hubby assures me that he'll make some good shelves for me this weekend. Gotta love that man.
Anyway, I'm getting ready to fly out to VA for the weekend. I'm very excited to see my family and a few friends. It's going to be a short trip but it is much needed. I haven't been "home" for nearly a year and a half. My family has never seen me pregnant and they may be shocked of how short(feel like I shrink as I get heavier) and roly-poly I am at the moment. I'm very excited to see my aunt to see how she is holding up (short recap: she lost her son/my cousin recently) and am glad that I chose to visit her now rather than at a funeral when there is too much going on. ...Also am hopefully having lunch with a few friends. I had really lost contact with so many people from school because I've lived away from home since I graduated and am just glad to live in the technological world that starts to bring us back to one another.
Also, a quick note about my sister in law, Sarah. As soon as I find her blog again, I'm going to post it on here. She has a mysterious neurological illness that no one seems to know quite what it is and she has started a blog in hopes that someone will have some help or insight for her. If you could take a minute and read it, send her a prayer, maybe know a tip or two on where she could look for help, I'd really appreciate that. I'll try to post her blog by this afternoon.
Well, I'm going to start my day. Am eating nutritious cocoa puffs, need a shower and take Tristan to his last day of school. Plan on making sure all of the laundry is done and throwing a pork roast in the crock pot. The sun is shining and all is well.

things I've made for Ireland's arrival

I said I'd add these pics for sometime. Having some lazy moments before I get to work here and wanted to throw these on the blog.

These were the little eye masks that I made some time ago. Want to make many more for anyone that wants these or possibly needs to give their baby some flair in the NICU.

These are some simple burp cloths that I made...look much cuter then how I managed to photograph them. Oh well, can sew...photography, not so much!

This is my Lucky dog sitting with some pillows, another little blankie and the eye masks.

These are the little outfits that I'm planning on making this week and one of them will be the coming home outfit...hopefully. ...for those sweeties out there thinking I have a grain of real talent....notice the words "easy" written on the package. This is always the key to anything that'll be worn outside of the house!! :)

Well, adding pics was a major challenge here for me. Just thought I'd let everyone know that I'm possibly the worst blogger and may need to get a book to make this take less than a half hour just downloading pics that kept going to the top of the page and then me having to frequently rearrange my words and pics......anywho, this is my hobby. I would not want a seamstress to judge me but I enjoy my amature work just the same. ....welcome any suggestions on books I should read to make my blog actually look more than amateur or anyone that simply has suggestions. Thanks!!!

Back to reality

Well, yesterday's appointment went well. It was just an ordinary prenatal appointment with the nice, young midwife and a consultation with our beloved Dr. Silver. I weighed in at nearly a ton and somehow managed to laugh. My loving husband let me know that I was starting to look like my Wii character that was trying to balance on the tight rope...for those that have the Wii Fit, ya know the balancing act. I happened to make my character a short and fat, brown haired number complete with pink, fat body and skinny little black legs...beautiful image, huh? It's okay. It really is funny because fact is, I am starting to look like this. ......anywho, my questions were at a minimum. Our lung to head ratio was a 1.59, which remains very good. My only slightly upsetting moment was when I said that I was feeling optimistic and that Ireland was going to sail through this and be home before we knew it. He gave me a look and said that although he would nearly give her the 95 to 100 percent chance to live that we were still dealing with something very significant and to not believe that we were just going home. He felt that her chances for survival were truly high because she has sailed through each test but that many things could happen and that bottom line, even with her optimum state, she was still in for at least 3 weeks in the hospital and that this would not be an easy road. Her condition after the surgery would determine any long term effects. ....I want to add in that he was simply bringing us back down to reality. He wasn't trying to scare me and even threw in that huge percentage because he truly believes we remain on the "best case scenario" road. He just didn't want us to feel that we were going to have this beautiful baby, hold her, have a little surgery and go home. I understand this. Also, Mikey and I were laughing about the whole Wii image when he walked in and were talking about how this was a nice visit, it felt like one of my original "normal" OB appointments. ....I remain respecting my good doctor and appreciating his honesty. I truly feel that the UofU is where we belong and that we have gotten the best care possible. I am also excited to meet the pediatric surgeon on the 11th of June. I asked Dr. Silver what sort of questions should we expect answered and he said anything. Awesome thing, if this surgeon is anything like Dr. Silver then we will be truly comfortable. ...my next appointment with Dr. Silver is of course in two weeks and we'll have another ultrasound at this point. I hope that we have the machine that can give us 3D images...and also, we really liked our first ultrasound tech. The last one we had was nice, we just felt a connection with the first lady we dealt with, believe her name was Lee.
Anywho, am determined to post pictures later today. Maybe throw in a lovely preggo pic of me as well as a few of the things I've made Ireland.
.....Bottom line for me today, I had a tinge of a dark cloud when reality was brought back to my attention because through others blogs I do know the unthinkable can occur and that our initial road will not be easy...but also, remain hopeful that my baby girl will be home. I am not scared of oxygen connections, initial eating problems or even any long term hearing problems or whatever else may come our way...I've been scared of not bringing her home. And with the knowledge I gain each week about what her condition is, the understanding of the various tests that she has had and will have, the knowledge I gain from those that have been before me and share their NICU experiences...well, Ireland will come home and that is truly what I've wanted for a long time. Also, even if there is anything long-term, she will be a normal child.

I've got to throw in this thing from yesterday....Mikey and I had to register my car and get emissions checked after our visit at the UofU. Well, once you hand off the vehicle and go wait for your safety and emissions check, you go in this little room to wait and pay. Wouldn't you know this dad comes strolling in with the two cutest little girls. The one ignored me, grabbed a book and read. The other, who was in little leg braces and had the most adorable blond curly hair, could hardly sit still she was just so loving life. Anyway, the dad was waiting in line to pay, checking on them every minute from where he stood, and needlessly apologizing when this curly haired cutey kept dropping things and talking to me. Wouldn't you know that as they left, this little girl comes to just give me a hug and kiss my arm. Oh my pregnant self!! Her dad sort of laughed and apologized and all I could think was that this was the most precious girl ever. She was just smiling and loudly saying "bye" and I could have totally crushed her with a hug (yet did contain myself). Of course, we were leaving all of a minute behind them and I was nearly crying. Mikey just sort of chuckled but he knew it was adorable, too. ...anyway, something about this girl let me know that all was going to be fine. Can't explain it, I just know it. It was my little gift from God and that little moment was truly beautiful.