Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I still miss you

Tonight, I can't sleep.  You're on my mind with about a gazillion other things.  I was actually having a nice dream but with that, you came in........probably why it was a nice dream.   ........I keep wanting to write our story down but every time I start, I relive our story and it's too much.  I can honestly say, I still deal with you not being a part of our life.  I'm sure you know that along with Tristan, you also have two baby brothers, Connor and Sawyer.  I love all these guys incredibly.  Sawyer was born in February of 2011 and Connor came along soon afterwards in March of 2012.
........not long after you passed away, I became pregnant again.  I lost that pregnancy but amazingly I believe that it was a girl and that she is with you.  I had named her Iris Gale.  ......really, I'm not a total nut job.  I don't think of Iris like I think of you though there is a part of me that really believes there is this little spirit that keeps you with a bit more of family up there in heaven.
I got on this blog and read just the last post I'd written.  I was pretty upset to see spammers had left messages in the comments section.  I deleted those and felt like beating the you know what out of you know what "you know what" even is??   ........when Connor was born, man was your presence felt.  He had something wrong that I could see immediately.  Initially, I felt no one believed me and was judging me and thinking I was a bad mom for not thinking he was perfect.  Really, ridiculous.  I knew something was wrong.  It was hours before I could finally scream and cry that once again my body was possibly to blame for a baby that would be in pain.  That was such a lonely night.  I didn't want a soul around me and your dad needed to be home for Tristan and Sawyer.  ....I think you were there though.  Thank you.
Connor has Pierre Robin.  Today, besides some meds and his g tube, it would be hard for anyone to just look at him and know all he went through.  Once again though, I felt your presence a few scary times and will always remember the night the smell of flowers was so extremely intense.  I know without a doubt it was you.  I felt such peace in that moment and remember sort of talking with you.  I remember thanking you for sort of saying Connor would be alright and also thinking as much as I wanted to see you, I wasn't sure I could handle the whole "ghost" thing.   ......I can sort of laugh about it now.  I'd take you in any form I could even if I seemed the crazy lady forever.
.......I'm about to turn 40.  Tristan just turned 18 and well, I've got your 1 and 2 year old brother.  It seems unbelievable sometimes.  It's surely not how I imagined my life would be.  I'm pretty certain many find completely odd and seriously, I could careless.  I carry sadness and worry with me like it's a coat I can't shake off but with that, I'm also extremely happy sometimes.  Yes, your mama is on the meds...ya know, the antidepressant-please don't lose it sort of stuff.  I had a bit of a breakdown earlier this year and my good doctor said I needed them.  I know he's right.  I'm better now though really, I can still feel what I call a 'dark shadow' on occasion.  I don't think meds can totally take you to a before life pooped on you feeling.  ........and no worries, before I got side tracked, I was saying how I'm extremely happy quite often.  Your dad and I are really unbelievably good for each other.  I never knew you could love someone like I love him.  We're far from perfect and actually have really packed on the pounds but my God, I do love him and really don't doubt that he loves me just as much.  I worry about friends who do think we're perfect together though.  We've had some really dark times too but somewhere along the line, he and I became family.  You want to say you became family when you said I do and of course, in a sense that's beyond true committing your love in such a public way........but really, the family thing takes a little time too.  I am not one who believes blood is thicker than water but I can say a baby born from your body is an instant least for me it was.  You and your brothers and even Iris (I'll confess her here for you), well you each are the only blood relatives that I truly know.  I am adopted so all of my family beyond you all are connected simply through our hearts and really, that is deep.  Look at your dad, he's not my blood but I am quite certain I would take a bullet to save him.  I look forward to growing old with him and I like knowing that he and I share a bond I've never had with another living soul.   .......anywho, I'm mostly happy but I sure do miss the thought of having a little girl in my life.  You are pictured here and there in our home.  We have a memory box or 10.  I've given so many things away and yet, truth be told, there is more that I can't quite let go of.  ......occasionally, we talk of adopting a girl.  At nearly 40 and already having 2 wild guys and 1 ready to leave the nest too soon, I'm not sure how crazy that would be.  and sometimes, I worry that I'm trying to replace you and that wouldn't be right either.  When and if the time comes, it'll be because I fell in love and felt she and I needed to be family.
........I sure bring out that number 40 alot lately.  When I turned 30, I was about a size 0 to 2 and felt I owned the world and could have whatever I wanted.  .........turning 40 feels different.  I'm not as healthy though I wish I had the desire to put more effort in making myself feel better.  And though I'm not as cute and things hurt here and there, certain things are much better at 40.  I can honestly say that a certain close member of my family had told me once that young people think they know everything and that we were smug in thinking sex, our thoughts, our love, our everything was so much, she was so right.  You can tell someone younger than you that things get even better but it doesn't mean so much until you experience it.  .........sort of makes me excited to keep getting older.  .........and though I will complain I'm not physically as good as I should be or apparently mentally all there (for Christ's sake, I am on meds) and spiritually still lacking the faith I once had..........I sort of am much more accepting of myself now than I was at 30.  I even wore a bathing suit totally comfortably this past weekend.  Granted, I had a sort of cover-up but I had fun in a pool with my boys.  There were beautiful people around and I didn't feel the need to criticize myself....I just had fun.   That was cool.....totally liberating.......and seriously, I do have certain attributes that still look pretty good and when I give a hoot, I look pretty decent.   ......I think the turning 40 is tough because I felt that when you were a certain age, you had yourself all together.  I don't feel unraveled but I do feel like I am capable of more and why am I not there yet.............  I also thought I'd feel completely comfortable in myself ALL the time and that's just not true.  I still have moments where I feel judged and that sucks.  ........sometimes, I'm pretty certain that I project feelings of judgement on myself and really, at 40, I thought I wouldn't do that.   ...........So anywho, my dear, sweet Ireland, your mama is still chugging along and still missing you.  Time did not stop and life kept happening.  I'm glad it did though I'm to the point there will always be this part of my life that is just missing.
At some point, in my darkest of days, I remember reading that you end up with this hole in your heart that is filled with a garden of memories.  I thought that would happen but it's not how it worked with me.  I have a physical garden that we've been working on just for you but my heart still just has this hole.  You would of been 4 this year.  Just 2 days before I'll turn the big 4-0.  ........I would of had the best party for you.  Maybe combined a party just for us to celebrate the number 4.  ........Instead, I just want to go out with your daddy.  I decided I really just want a nice meal and a movie that'll make me laugh.
Just so you know, Tristan is doing ok.  He took things harder than I originally thought and really, I think I was selfish and looking at myself for some time.  I don't know if I could have done things differently, I really can't say I did the best I can, I just tried to wake up and keep moving forward.  ..........Tristan and I had a few rough spells but he's ok and so am I.  He is one loved soul.  Connor and Sawyer downright idealize him.  .......Tristan and I tried counseling at one point and I'm not sure what we got out of that.  The teen years are rough.  As a parent, you like to say you remember but I don't.  I remember sporadic things.  I wasn't perfect but I know I was an easier child than most today.  In fairness, I lived on a farm where life was simply different than it is here in 2013, in the suburbs of Utah.  ........Life should be different because it means everyone and everything is growing.  I now wonder if death has a growth process.  I know there is an acceptance that grows with me but there are a gazillion questions I'd like to know about your side, the ones no longer living.  .........eerie, possibly a bit nutty.........I'll save those questions for now.
........well, the point was Tristan is doing well.  He has a tattoo of a rose on his back that has your beautiful name and the dates of your birth and death.  I was accepting of him getting a tattoo but wish it were smaller.  I've let him know that I'm simply glad he'll see it in the mirror and that maybe you'll be his little reminder of how precious his life is.  ......I think he's going to be a great man.  He's kind and loving.....too sidetracked with technology and the opposite sex.......but I suppose he and I are very much alike and I would have been very much like him if I'd been raised in this day and in this area.  ......I try to curb my expectations of him and see what's important to him.  He'll be a senior this year.  Unbelievable.
............well, I have not slept much tonight and suppose I should try to sleep some.  I'm so glad I get to see you in my dreams.  I was afraid I'd forget how you look but though certain things have faded in my memory, the core of you is fresh in me.  I can feel you in ways too hard to put into words.  I've smelled you at that worst of times and I've smelled you when you were gone and surrounded by so much love of others.......those, a total nightmare and the other, completely peaceful.  ........I'm not always certain what I believe anymore but I'm certain you're with me and that makes going on bearable.  On occasion I can remember what you felt like in my arms and that is a good memory though you'd think it would be sad.  I also have these little hands in mine, or looks from these brothers of yours and I can imagine you in them.  A hug just right, a twinkle in the eye, and I feel you.  It's not all the time but it'll have to be enough until we're together again.   ..........and as much as I'd love to be with you, I do want to live a long time to see what sort of future all of your brothers bring and allow me to be part of.
Good night sweet baby girl.....I'll see you in my dreams and in the stars (btw, your Aunt Amy bought a star all your own......she may never know how much that means to me).  .......I love you.......forever and ever and infinity.
Me, pregnant with my baby girl.  I knew she had CDH (congential diaphragmatic hernia) here but I truly believed she'd be coming home with me.

One of the few pics of the three of us.  Not great, but precious.  

Tristan hated seeing his sister like this.  He was 14 at the time and this particular day Ireland looked just a little better than at her worst.  She had just started ECMO and still had a very bloated body.  I wish he would of been able to see her when her eyes were open.     ......I can see Ireland in Tristan, especially in this particular picture.

My favorite picture.  Many offered to photoshop this picture but I could see her just fine.  I think she is beautiful here and there was such a glimmer of hope.  She was happy and knew who we were.  I think she and Connor would of looked alot alike.  Then again, Sawyer around 6 months old looked just like this picture too.

Sawyer....around 4 months.
Connor just a month or two ago.

just a cute shot of these guys playing before bath....

See how Ireland is in these guys?

What I did every single day of Ireland's life.  

Death is not as scary as you think.  And she was still beautiful.

Our first peek..........    I love you still.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Chanda,
    I've never been through this situation before, buy I am a Mom. A mother's bond with her children is something no one will understand except maybe another mother. I am deeply saddened that little Ireland had to go back to heaven. I'm sure she is looking down at her brothers giggling at them as they play. Love and peace.
    Shannon (Childress) McFearin