Thursday, December 3, 2009

Babies and blogging

I haven't blogged like I used to and think part of that is due to me maybe needing a new medium to blog on.  I've got this blog and http://www.mybabysbling.blogspot.com./  Two blogs and now, talking of a third?!  Crazy, I know.  Really, this blog was for Ireland and I'd really like it to stay that way.  The baby bling is to honor Ireland through helping others and that is more of a here's some more bling and eventually (hopefully) a "look at this cute baby needing this bling".    ..............anywho, I wanted to convey thanks and send love and prayers out to all of those that do the same for me and my family.  I also want to express that I am so grateful for this unexpected pregnancy.  My emotions have just been all over the place.  ...honestly, some of this could be due to my low progesterone.  Not a doc but maybe.  All of last week, I had to go in for blood tests to monitor low progesterone (apparently a good indication of miscarriage).  My numbers went up about 3 points and then actually went down between Thanksgiving and Monday from a 7.6 to a 7.4.   ....my normal OB doctor had just returned from a cruise and let me know to stop taking the progesterone (the yucky vaginal suppository kind).  I had been taking these at night and laying down a few hours a day.  ...He said that it was apparently useless due to the numbers normally double and my numbers were obviously going nowhere.  At the same time, he did say that my HCg (preggo number) went from a 6000 to over 30,000 and because of this meaning I was "very" pregnant....not to worry.  Worry would cause more harm than good and I'm dealing with enough.  ....So, I do my best to do as he says...I'm taking it easy and not worrying.
.........I have been thinking on some stuff though.  I've had it sort of rough dealing with the loss of Ireland and honestly, I think (beyond the normal grieving) it's because I have entirely too much time on my hands.  Last week, I literally had to lay down and NOT get up for around 3 or so hours a day....totally not the glamorous "lady-of-leisure" lifestyle!  Thanksgiving was a cinch....we were at a friends' house so my contributions were minor.  ..........I can still cry that uncontrollable, painful cry of losing her.  I hold it back for the most part but last night, I was wondering if that was even healthy for this new baby because when you hold it back, you feel it in your stomach.  ...this is hard to explain, and I'm thinking that only those that unfortunately have been walking this path themselves know what I'm talking about.  ....It's been just over three months now(the 30th of Nov. marked our 3rd month) and there are moments when you look at an album of pictures, the urn or the beautiful blanket you held her in....and ya just think to yourself, this is it.  This is all I have left.  I want my baby and instead I have a room that I avoid and a few very precious keepsakes and I'm supposed to move on.....I am here to tell you that it is the hardest thing in the world.  I can not imagine anything worse.  I know that there is worse but I truly hope that I never have to endure anything like this again. ........I have decided that in my newfound "wisdom-of loss" that I would not want to live to be 100 years old unless life has seriously changed by then.  As americans, we truly do not value our elderly as we should and I'd imagine that they are lonely.  I think of having lost my precious Ireland and the pain it brings me.  Can you imagine the old guy in the nursing home that has outlived several children, maybe his wife is gone, his siblings....these are my thoughts.  I couldn't bear that pain ...or rather I would not want to bear a pain like that.  It has sort of thrown a bigger respect in me for those that work in nursing homes and for the elderly folks I see in my day to day living.   ....I used to be that person that gets irritated when you're behind that white haired driver..and ocassionally, my sef-rightousness would come out and say well, I only hope to be that old one day.  ...well, yes and no.  ....If my children are healthy, Mikey is well and ....by now, you get the drift.  ....so today, I'm sending out prayers to all of those lonely in the world because I understand atleast to the point of losing one.   ..........anywho, to continue on with my random thoughts...I hope that when this baby is older and looks up his/her mom's old blogs and reads this stuff that they know that I was not comparing him/her to Ireland.  I was loving him/her and also dealing with a major loss.  ...........Ireland will always be perfect to us.  We never heard a voice but we saw that she had one with every single time she would look up and her eyes would widen just to hear our voices or that her toes would curl and her arms would stretch because she so wanted us to pick her up.  She was so present.  A touch from us would bring a calm to her face, and a change in her monitors.  We affected her and vice versa.  She was beautiful.  She never said a cross word or did a bad thing.  Her life was short and the most innocent.  She could only be perfect and thus will always be remembered that way.  ......No matter how hard we try, none of can achieve a perfect life like that.  We are not and those we love can never be like that either.  ....When those of us that have lost an innocent baby, we truly are the few that have been allowed to know and hold an angel in our arms.  .........I really do believe this and I do not profess to knowing what heaven is like but I know that is peace and love and innocence and well, that describes our perfect babies.   .........anywho, my point is, Tristan and this new baby are loved in such a seperate way.  They are different and wonderfully so.  I can't even begin to describe my love for Tristan.  He can be that typical teen at times and yet, he is my son and I'd hand him the moon if I could.  As for this new baby forming...I am just realizing that you are even there.  It is just beginning to click that there is a life inside me.  On Thanksgiving afternoon, the doctor monitoring my bloodwork called and asked if I were cramping or bleeding......wow, absolutely horrible etiquette on her part...and yet, I woke up and just wanted to go home, throw in the progesterone and will the number to go up so that this baby would be safe and fine.    ...........for those wondering, I haven't had abnormal cramping and not a drop of blood.  I do as my regular doc says and don't worry.  I can do nothing about it anyway, I tried.   .............anywho, to recap;  I miss Ireland.  I love Tristan.  I love this new one coming along.   ....I have special prayers going out to a few that have also suffered the loss of their babies this past year.  I think about a few in particular because their lives have seemed to parallel with mine and I want them pregnant with me.  ...Also, there are alot of opinions out there about age and pregnancy.  Even doctors are nice enough to say that I'm not too old.  ...I am perfectly aware of my age (36) and at times hope this baby doesn't think I'm a grandma and then look at my son, laugh and realize they'll wish to turn me into someone else anyway at times.  ....point is, my fact is that I'm pregnant now.  I'll be almost 37 when this baby is born.  I don't feel old but do feel, all of a sudden, that I should eat a bit better and care for Mikey better.  It is highly likely that when this baby is Tristan's age (14), I could become a grandma.  ....woh....need to breathe....in a good way but still......anywho, there are just others on my mind and I wish they were on this journey with me.  I would like to push the drug "femara" on them if they need to try something different than "clomid".  (I happened to just get preggo this time but after years of infertility "femara" is what gave us Ireland....and no, it did not cause the CDH).   My doc said that when "clomid" isn't working, usually "femara" will.  .....as Forrest would say, "that's all I'm going to say about that."      .............well, "babydust" to those that need it,   "sanity" to those that could use that (me, perhaps?), love to the elderly and really to all that have suffered any loss....maybe a small prayer that a recipient to babybling will send us a picture of their precious baby (selfish but would really love to post something...will stay legal though)............anywho, also love must be sent to CHERUBS and to all those dealing with CDH in it's too many forms (pregnancy, NICU time, growing up with it and taking care of those that have it.....and for those dealing with the loss from it)..........later


small p.s.  ....i can't find my spell check on here all of a sudden so forgive any screw ups, please

2 comments:

  1. Very well said. Thinking of you and hoping to "join" you soon :o)

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  2. Thanx for sharing, I enjoy "listening" to your inner thoughts...I am so happy for ya'll with the new little one! Praying for you and enjoying your uplifting blogs...love to ya'll, shonna

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