Sunday, November 22, 2009

a Gift?


Hey baby girl.  I miss you to the moon and back a gazillion times.  It hasn't been quite 3 months and well, there are moments that it seems like you just left this world.  ....I don't know what I thought, but I did think not having you in my arms wouldn't feel as intense today as it did.  Wow, your mommy is loopy because it does.  It hurts and I dream of you constantly.  ..........We sort of ignored Halloween this year.  It was too much.  How could we look at all the cuties and not see you in them.  ....not to worry, Tristan was not neglected and at 14 had a blast getting dressed up with a friend and handing out candy at his house.  .....I haven't really been looking forward to these next few holidays.  These are times of family and we seem so incomplete without you.  ....Heck, I've tried to fill the void of you not being here through shopping, crafting, ignoring CDH communities and even making some bling for other babies.  Even though one or two of these little "habits" may be good, a few are not so healthy.  I think that I have moments of intense sadness because I don't truly face that you are not here.  Sounds crazy but really, if I stay too busy to think, then ......well, I can't stay busy all of the time.  ......I do want you to know that I have good times too.  Not tons but I have laughed and smiled and been really happy for others.............I miss you...........I love you.   ..........Your daddy and I have been talking alot about another baby.  It's such a bittersweet conversation.  You can not be replaced.  .......you can not be replaced, I'm 36 (old in ovary years) and well, I want a baby and part of me can't get past just wanting you.   .......We had a memorial service for you the day after our 5th wedding anniversary.  .....It took us 5 years to finally have you ...and only 11 days to have lost you.....We went through tests to see if something was wrong with me, if something was wrong with your sweet Daddy and all the doctors said we were fine.  We went through several drugs, invasive testing, iui's, and months and months of taking temperatures and checking ovulation dates, we got sick of each other and then we'd be convinced that to forget about it would bring us our dreamed baby.  Well, finally we take a drug that works for us and you become our world. ...........Tristan was excited, your Daddy was hooked , I was so excited about life in general...and honestly, all that knew about you felt the same.  ...........You were our long awaited gift.  You still are.  ......and I grieve.  I hurt.  and I function somehow, smile somehow, feel that I am mental at times, and feel that life is going on at other times.  ...........We went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago.  We thought it was time to see when we could start trying for another baby and if we could use the same medicine that gave us you.  We were cleared to try and I was given the progesterone to start having normal cycles again.  ....I'd already had one cycle and your guess would be as good as mine when the next one would come without progesterone.  .....Well, the doctor wanted me on a 28 day cycle so I started the progesterone 2 weeks ago.  ........no period.  ......I took a test yesterday.  I never even took the fertility drugs and I am pregnant.   .....I ask you how?..............How is it that after years of trying ....I finally have you.....somehow continue to live without you here....and then out of nowhere get pregnant like that?  .........I cried.  I smiled a bit because there is a life in me.  ...........and then I cried some more.  I told Mikey, your dad, that I wondered if your spirit just couldn't take the body you were given and that you were just coming back with a new one.  ..........He didn't laugh at me but did say that he didn't realize that I was a Buddhist.  ............well, I'm just not feeling very sane.  I was happy one minute (even though the tears won't stop) and then I would just feel numb.  .......I have a life in me....Again.  ..........I wanted this and don't know how to feel.  .........it's too soon and yet, I'm not young and I want this and I want you and I just wish God would send me a personal letter....not a Bible....I need a letter specifically detailed with some answers please.   .........I could not sleep very well.  I didn't want to take the ambien until I researched if it wouldn't hurt this baby. .........I dreamed of you and just missed you so much last night.  ......oh, and I felt guilty.  ......I have been on an emotional roller coaster for too long now and it doesn't seem to be getting much better.  Well, after a hockey game last night, the truck was cold so I turned the heat on as soon as your dad started her up.  ...lo and behold, he turns it off.  ....this wouldn't do, so I turned it back on and a little higher with "a bit of a speech".  ........Mikey gives me a speech back as he turns the heat off again saying to "wait 5 minutes".  ..........I went ballistic.   Tristan is in the back having had a very good evening and I am going off about being cold and leaving the heat on.  ........I have now gotten so worked up that Mikey has given up, Tristan is trying to excuse us both and I'm just in a flat out "mood" and silence has ensued.  5 minutes pass, we stop for burgers, Mikey tries to apologize and I proceed to present my case of why turning the heat on immediately will warm the truck faster, Mikey proceeds to give his case and now, I'm just ticked and done for the night.  He tries to apologize, Tristan sticks up for him and for me again...I'm now just mean and selfish and want silence.  Tristan falls asleep driving home, I keep my silent vigilance, and I'm sure Mikey is dumbfounded.  .........We get home, I tell Tristan good night.  I, at least, apologize to Tristan.  I go to bed and fall asleep without a word to Mikey.  I'm up at 3am.  At 4, I wake up Mikey jsut long enough to apologize.  He's nicer than me and says he loves me and it's okay.  ........I know that it was not okay and say so.  ..........He has to go to work in the morning so I shut my mouth so he can go back to sleep.  ............I continue to just lay there, feel tired, and think.  ..........Thinking is not my friend because I feel that I am a mental case.  Seriously.  .........and then, I think "who the hell wouldn't be a mental case right now?".     .................Ireland.  I miss you.  You were my most special gift and now I seem to have another and am not sure how to handle it.  .........for now, I'll wake up tomorrow and make an appointment with my doctor.  We've told Tristan and he just hopes that this baby doesn't have what you did.  We reassure him that all should be fine.  .......God, I hope so.  .............Family has been called and well, I had several differing reactions.  ................I need to let friends know and well, I don't want to cry anymore.  ......so, I cope with writing to you.  I still cry because I see your picture, your face and just want you and think I'll never understand. I still know how soft and wonderful you felt.  ...........I miss you and want you.  I am so glad that you are not suffering but you have a selfish mother that really wishes you were here.  I love you.  ........I don't know how to feel right now but know that I'll love this baby as much as I love you and as much as I love Tristan.

13 comments:

  1. You have a gift from your sweet Angel Ireland. I will pray that your pregnancy goes well and your baby is healthy. I think of you and Ireland often.
    HUGS

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  2. Guilt is very normal!!!! but Ireland knows how long and hard you have morned. She sent this little blessing! Keep making bling and thank her for sending her brother or sister to you surely she hand picked Tristan's sibling with tender loving care. I love you Chanda! Your story has touched so many hearts and it has made me so aware of how much you have grown. Wow think of who we were 15 yrs ago lol. I am inspired by you all the time!!!

    Congrats!! You deserve and need this and you are going to appreciate this baby so much more than the average mother. I cant wait to see that belly grow!!

    In moments that you are over come with guilt for any reason, close your eyes and say a prayer to your daughter for conspiring with god to help you move into this new chapter of motherhood! You deserve this!!!!

    -Tree

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  3. Hey Chanda, I am pregnant again too. It has been so hard, I admit. I belong to the Baby center community. Although I am in the group "expecting after a termination for medical reasons," there is a board for expecting after a loss. It has been a tremendous help to me. I can experss my fears, feelings etc to women who understand. My screen name is pleasegiveme4. I am on the boards for term. for med. reasons, congenital daiphragnmatic hernia, and expecting after a termination for med reasons. Look me up. If you need support it has been an invaluable place for me. Congratulations! Susan Caudle

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  4. (((HUGS))) Chanda. Your precious Ireland will forever be your gaurdian angel and will be watching over her new little brother or sister. Ireland is proud of her mommy and daddy and I hope she is giving you both beautiful moments everyday to know that she is always with you. Congratulations and praying for good and positive news when you see the doctor. Your beautiful family is in my prayers...prayers for a healthy pregnancy and a perfect little one.

    Much love,
    Tracy

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  5. Your baby is a gift and I know Ireland wants her amazing parents to be happy! She watches over u and will protect her family! I understand it is hard and happy news all at once but congrats! Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Many blessings,
    Joanna

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  6. Chanda,
    Your post resonated with me. I am in your same boat. I was surprised with a pregnancy about 4 months after I lost Sylvia. It is hard, but I know our angels have sent us this gift of new life. I am so excited for this baby to be in my arms, but I worry all the time! I can't help it. I'm so happy for you and am on this journey with you. If you want to chat anymore, feel free to Facebook me.
    --Beth Houselog

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  7. First of all congratulations! We got pregnant 7 months after we lost Faith to CDH. IT was definately mixed emotions. Abby is now 5 months old and such a blessing. Your grief for Ireland will take on a different life while you are pregnant. It's normal to worry, but remember to have faith and hope. Lean on those around you who have traveled this road. Keep writing to Ireland.

    Prayers for your new peanut!

    -Amy Miles

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  8. Chanda, I can not say I understand your confusion with this new pregnancy, for I haven't walked the same path. I do feel your pain, sadness, and excitement through your letter to Ireland. I am so excited for you to be once again carring a precious life within you. Despite all the sickness with my three kids, pregnancy is the best! Ireland surely had a hand in sending this blessing to you and your family. This baby will not take the place of Ireland. This is a new, wonderful, precious baby who will bring years of love and happiness to you. Cherish this time..tell him/her of the wonderful big sister angel looking out for him/her.
    I hope you continue to blog about this pregnancy. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

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  9. Chanda CONGRATS!!! Ireland has hand picked a brother or a sister for herself and will is watching over you. I am very excited for you! Many hugs!!!!!!!!

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  10. Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your family! Ireland is such a sweet and busy angel!!! I hope for an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby ... I don't see how it can be anything but with such a smart little angel watching out for him or her.
    ((Hugs))
    Jennifer
    Mom to Dakota, RCDH, 12-25-2008

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  11. I can't stop crying........we want to try again too, and i kinow thats how i'm going to feel. Reading your words felt like it was me writing them down. I'm so happy that your expecting.......what a gift! I"m also so sorry that we dnt have our babies......i love you

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  12. Chanda, You are NOT selfish! You are a mommy who has lost her child! How should you act? Maybe you could throw a party or maybe you should curl up in a corner & die. or maybe, you should act like you are. You have been through the worst thing, a mothers'nightmare & you are doing fine. Sure it can be expected all the emotions you have & now newer ones will be added. You feel: you hurt, you get angry, you cry, you laugh, you think. You are mourning. Is that a suprise after what you've been through? I can't begin to know but Time will heal. 'Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.' The worries you have are normal & yes! you will love the Baby as much as Tristan & Ireland. & No! you will not forget Ireland, nor have you betrayed her by having another baby nor have you replaced her. None of us can take your pain away, but we'll be here each step of the way for anything you need & God will comfort,in the way that only He can. A wound needs time to heal, from the inside out & when the scab keeps getting ripped off, it takes longer, but it will heal. You are strong & that doesn't mean you can't cry or be upset. Ireland's love that you have in your heart will carry you & her memories will comfort you. Maybe Ireland ordered this baby to comfort her mommy? Our prayers are with you & Mikey & Tristan. Congrats! We are all so excited! Love, Aunt Kathy

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  13. Hey there,
    Thanks so much for sharing with us, I hope that it's theraputic for you in your grieving. You are strong and able...you are a wonderful woman and mother. Congratulations on your pregnancy...this baby will be equally as blessed by you as Ireland was. And, you're right, "baby" is not a replacement, so try not to compare pregnancies or any part of this. Just embrace this new life as the gift from God it is. :) Congrats, treat yourself well!

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