Wednesday, September 30, 2009
First off, I don't know why this blog has flipped my baby's picture. I've tried to rotate it several times with no luck. Oh well, isn't Ireland just beautiful?!
I can not believe that she isn't with me. I have such extreme emotions at times and have this feeling that I just don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm currently on 100mg of zoloft so I don't know if that is doing anything...just know that the dr's I had when she passed away really thought I needed it. Hmm, who knows?
Yesterday was time for my 6 weeks appointment. This was much harder than I thought it would be. Pregnant ladies were everywhere, this was the place that was previously filled with hope for us, and well.......it just sucked. .......Luckily, Mikey got time off to come to the appointment with me. I really think I would of had an accident if I would of driven myself. I could barely see through my tears just driving to the UofU hospital.
I've been home for some time now and have somehow become a scrapbooker. ....I figure that this is the only way I can continue to do something for Ireland. I'm not the greatest at it but there is something comforting about feeling that I'm doing something for my baby girl. .....I have so many pictures...not enough...but for only having her for 11 days, I feel that I have many. ......I can't get over how much Ireland changed from day to day. I look at all those pictures and wonder what she would have looked like as she grew. Of course, I imagine that she would continue to be beautiful. ....Mikey and I received the pictures from the group "now I lay me down to sleep" (they take pics of babies when they pass). Anyway, I was sort of disappointed in them. Her hands were photographed and obviously not cleaned after the hospital had made molds of them. Also, I think that as beautiful as she is in each picture...well, she's not there. The pictures that I have, she's there. ....Hard to explain.
...I think that Mikey and I are doing okay for what we're going through. Tristan seems to be doing okay too. This has been hard as hell and I don't know when any of us will feel "normal" again, but I do think we'll be fine. ....it's strange. One minute, I can be fine. The next minute, I'm just not so good. I like being home and am slowly getting out of what I've deemed my "self-imposed-isolation" but at the same time, I don't like the thought of going to too many places, seeing alot of people, being around children, or working at something that requires any amount of concentration or major decision making. ....the children thing. Well, I feel like a big meany sometimes. I've always loved babies and kids but I can only handle them a little right now...especially little girls. No offense to my friends with beautiful girls, it's just hard right now. I can see Tristan in little boys but I see Ireland and all my dreams for her in the girls and really any baby. It's just too much right now. Small doses.
Anyway, I have a friend coming by today to do some scrapbooking. We're practically Utah mormons, huh?! :) Just kidding. Love my mormon friends...all one or two of them!
.......well, I wanted to add that I miss blogging and communicating with everyone but I feel that my writing probably sucks due to my lack of concentration or maybe I can even blame that medication I'm on. I have no idea what will happen to this blog or where my part in CDH awareness lies. I figure that I've got nothing but time right now and that I don't need to know everything at the moment. I'm still grieving in my own way and just trying not to be some depressing sap. .........Mikey and I would like to try for another baby. I have mixed feelings here and know I want the baby but really could do without the pregnancy....give me some time to figure that one out, for sure! ..........Anywho, look at my lovely Ireland. She's just so adorable and missed so much. I had no idea that she wouldn't be home with me eventually. I felt nothing but confidence in her and still don't like to go to that last morning of her life. I say that I don't understand what happened and seriously, I don't. There are facts that I understand and facts that I either block out or just don't want to understand. I don't know. I just wish she were here.
If nothing else, I am learning to truly believe that there are things worse than death. I can not explain this in detail right now because today, I want Ireland here with me. Even wanting Ireland in my arms, I know that I'd want her to feel good and never have to suffer, I'd want her to know that I was loving her and keeping her best interests at heart always..........yet another thing hard to explain. I just know without a doubt that I love Ireland and will never stop missing having her in my life. She will forever be my beautiful daughter and I hope that our heaven will either have her in my arms or holding my hand so that we can just be together.....this thought is what keeps me going. ..........those that have no faith love to say that religion is based on our fears of dying, maybe they're right because I would rather die today then to think that I would never be with my Ireland again. .........Fortunately for me, I know that her birth alone (and any birth for that matter) is proof of a good God and that sustains me.