Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One month

First off, I don't know why this blog has flipped my baby's picture. I've tried to rotate it several times with no luck. Oh well, isn't Ireland just beautiful?!
I can not believe that she isn't with me. I have such extreme emotions at times and have this feeling that I just don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm currently on 100mg of zoloft so I don't know if that is doing anything...just know that the dr's I had when she passed away really thought I needed it. Hmm, who knows?
Yesterday was time for my 6 weeks appointment. This was much harder than I thought it would be. Pregnant ladies were everywhere, this was the place that was previously filled with hope for us, and well.......it just sucked. .......Luckily, Mikey got time off to come to the appointment with me. I really think I would of had an accident if I would of driven myself. I could barely see through my tears just driving to the UofU hospital.
I've been home for some time now and have somehow become a scrapbooker. ....I figure that this is the only way I can continue to do something for Ireland. I'm not the greatest at it but there is something comforting about feeling that I'm doing something for my baby girl. .....I have so many pictures...not enough...but for only having her for 11 days, I feel that I have many. ......I can't get over how much Ireland changed from day to day. I look at all those pictures and wonder what she would have looked like as she grew. Of course, I imagine that she would continue to be beautiful. ....Mikey and I received the pictures from the group "now I lay me down to sleep" (they take pics of babies when they pass). Anyway, I was sort of disappointed in them. Her hands were photographed and obviously not cleaned after the hospital had made molds of them. Also, I think that as beautiful as she is in each picture...well, she's not there. The pictures that I have, she's there. ....Hard to explain.
...I think that Mikey and I are doing okay for what we're going through. Tristan seems to be doing okay too. This has been hard as hell and I don't know when any of us will feel "normal" again, but I do think we'll be fine. ....it's strange. One minute, I can be fine. The next minute, I'm just not so good. I like being home and am slowly getting out of what I've deemed my "self-imposed-isolation" but at the same time, I don't like the thought of going to too many places, seeing alot of people, being around children, or working at something that requires any amount of concentration or major decision making. ....the children thing. Well, I feel like a big meany sometimes. I've always loved babies and kids but I can only handle them a little right now...especially little girls. No offense to my friends with beautiful girls, it's just hard right now. I can see Tristan in little boys but I see Ireland and all my dreams for her in the girls and really any baby. It's just too much right now. Small doses.
Anyway, I have a friend coming by today to do some scrapbooking. We're practically Utah mormons, huh?! :) Just kidding. Love my mormon friends...all one or two of them!
.......well, I wanted to add that I miss blogging and communicating with everyone but I feel that my writing probably sucks due to my lack of concentration or maybe I can even blame that medication I'm on. I have no idea what will happen to this blog or where my part in CDH awareness lies. I figure that I've got nothing but time right now and that I don't need to know everything at the moment. I'm still grieving in my own way and just trying not to be some depressing sap. .........Mikey and I would like to try for another baby. I have mixed feelings here and know I want the baby but really could do without the pregnancy....give me some time to figure that one out, for sure! ..........Anywho, look at my lovely Ireland. She's just so adorable and missed so much. I had no idea that she wouldn't be home with me eventually. I felt nothing but confidence in her and still don't like to go to that last morning of her life. I say that I don't understand what happened and seriously, I don't. There are facts that I understand and facts that I either block out or just don't want to understand. I don't know. I just wish she were here.
If nothing else, I am learning to truly believe that there are things worse than death. I can not explain this in detail right now because today, I want Ireland here with me. Even wanting Ireland in my arms, I know that I'd want her to feel good and never have to suffer, I'd want her to know that I was loving her and keeping her best interests at heart always..........yet another thing hard to explain. I just know without a doubt that I love Ireland and will never stop missing having her in my life. She will forever be my beautiful daughter and I hope that our heaven will either have her in my arms or holding my hand so that we can just be together.....this thought is what keeps me going. ..........those that have no faith love to say that religion is based on our fears of dying, maybe they're right because I would rather die today then to think that I would never be with my Ireland again. .........Fortunately for me, I know that her birth alone (and any birth for that matter) is proof of a good God and that sustains me.

7 comments:

  1. Good Morning:

    I want to share something with you and your family. This journey you are now taking is so profound and needless to say you all have my utmost compassion.
    My young nephew passed away from a hypoplastic left heart medical condition. We had him for three months. When he passed an older Croatian priest came to the service and gathered all of us up and said please don't be so sad, his quote was "you have angel, you have angel". I think for all of us that was a small light during an unbelievable grim time. I remember when Ben passed that my sister his "mom" could not bear to hold him she was so grief stricken.
    I was there and held his precious body for them. Many years have past and we think of him always. So please please allow yourselves the tears, the smiles when you think of your beloved daughter.
    Who says it has to get better, what happens is you feel their presence when you least expect it and honor the fact that you got to know this precious child if only for a short
    time. Believe me their presence here changes your life and never do you ever take anything for granted again.
    On the day of Ben's passing, he had just come out of surgery and my brother-in-law
    was sitting in a small room waiting for the Dr. As he was sitting there, he felt very warm and a bright light appeared in the room.
    At that moment he knew his son was gone.
    I have never related all of this to anyone before but yourselves, as I thought you might need to know that it is only important how you remember your beautiful daughter.

    Please embrace yourselves and know that she is safe and warm and most of all loved by so many!!

    Love and Luck to all of you.

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  2. I have no idea what it must be like for you...my thoughts and prayers are with you Chanda and your family. Ireland is beautiful...cutest little girl. I was going through my phone messages this past weekend and saw Ireland's picture in there and thought out loud, what a beautiful child! Let me know if you ever need to talk, scream, vent, cry...I am a good listener.

    (((HUGS))), Tracy

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  3. Thank you for the comment on Kaden's blog. I, too, feel like our situations, stories, lives are very similar. I can remember reading your posts when you were still pregnant, and I had already lost Kaden, and thinking that you were writing the same things that I wrote almost word-for-word. We both had an unvaivering belief that our babies would be home with us, where they belonged. I prayed so hard for you when you were in the hospital with Ireland. I wanted you to bring her home, healthy. I would not wish our CDH outcome on my worst enemy. And even almost 6 months later, each story I follow brings me right back to all those raw emotions. But I cannot stop following them, and praying for them. The support Craig and I have received during this whole journey (even still) has been invaluable. The support from complete strangers is what helps me get thru the days. I wish I could tell you that in 5 months you will feel better, but I still hurt the same today as I did 5 months ago. I want to scream sometimes how NOT FAIR it is, and that God made a horrible mistake... Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I still check (daily) for updates, and know first hand how hard it can be to get back to "normal". Give yourself some time---it's all we have :o)

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  4. Chanda,

    There are no words.. all I could say is that Ireland was beautiful and even though her time was short, she has made her mark on the world and has touched the hearts of so many. My heart breaks for your loss for I can not imagine what you are going through. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers! God bless,
    Joanna

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  5. Chanda, Ireland indeed is so beautiful! We cannot forget her because she is in our hearts. Love is the strongest emotion in life. It cannot fail. It's a bond so strong that it bears all things. It doesn't seek it's own desires, but that of others. It's patient & kind. It's full of hope & faith. (You said it so well). One day, you will see Ireland again. Just have faith in a good God. You have shown your love for Ireland Rose abundantly, in your words & your life & we have seen a glimpse of what she would have been, when we see you. Praying for your continued strength. God Bless you, love you, Aunt Kathy

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  6. Chanda, It's nice to hear you are able to let that part of Little Ireland be with you daily. I am sure she peeks over and watches daily, and I am sure you will be walking hand in hand someday, along with her daddy and sibbling(s). What a day that will be....Life is a race that we are all in, the winner(s) get the prize, so just keep running the best you can til that day you obtain It!!!!Would love to see some of your scrapbooking work, maybe you can post some on here....Love shonna

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  7. Chanda, Mike, and Tristan,

    As a father I can only imagine what it would be like to go through what you all are. I will not try to put down any words to explain it. I just want to simply say, remember every minute of Ireland. Remember how she felt, her sweet little smell, and remember the light in her eyes always. Those are the elements that will sustain you day by day, week by week, and year by year. The one thing that we cannot change is that life goes on... You will bring her to life every time you think of her, talk about her, and get that smile on your face that just embodies the love that you all feel for her.

    I am blessed to be able to read your words, feelings, and thoughts. I think that it is amazing that you are reaching out in such a wonderful way in the hopes that you can help others. Doing so is a wonderful way to grieve, release emotion, and also, heal. Many others are right... take all the time you need.

    Many thoughts of love, faith, and prayers!

    Joey Newell and Family

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