Monday, August 17, 2009

The Final Countdown

I've been up since about 3am. I don't know if I was in panic mode or what. My mind was going a mile a minute and I was tired as all get out! I tried to calm myself by talking myself down, so to speak and little by little I am now up.

Have you ever been in the ocean, maybe on a raft or small boat, close your eyes to relax a bit? --Just for a second, then you sort of snap your eyes open and see that the horizon is everywhere and the beach seems really far away? ...this is where I was sort of stuck this morning. In a real time situation, you sort of panic for a minute and then just start paddling your way back to the beach. Well, for the life of me, I was stuck on the freaking raft and could not move.

Looking at the clock, sitting at the kitchen table, I know that in 24 hours I'll be wanting everyone to go to the bathroom one more time and get in the car. We won't want to be late. ...the bags will most likely be packed already and Tristan will most likely be half asleep. Mikey will most likely be anxious and wanting me to chill, we'll get there on time. ...Me, I haven't a clue what I'll be like....definitely just wanting to go so we're not late...beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.

I've looked at a few pics on the Griffin's site (for Maximus), and their smiles have somehow been embedded in my mind. They are smiling beautifully and optimism just sort of radiates from them. Mikey and I have both said that we hope this is what we convey. We both have honestly felt positive and we both have admitted to feeling a bit manic throughout this entire pregnancy...to the point that I (I have no doubt here) actually started an argument last night. It wasn't a yelling thing...it was a "this is what I need" and you're not there....a "I'm not sure what to ask of you" but I need it from you....it was insane, is what it was. I never could quite define what "it" was and yet, I was sincerely upset (crazy moment maybe but truly alone and upset, if you know what I mean).......Yes, we've been there for each other and we've also pushed each other away, albeit in subtle ways ...sort of guarding ourselves and I think trying to protect each other too. .....It's just weird. I truly love this man and know he loves me. I could not have a better mate. But. I realize that he and I are also individuals that process things differently. We are there for each other. We can talk and be there for one another...and sometimes, we can totally misunderstand one another. ....After a long talk, my tears, him probably wanting me to have a xanax or something, we sort of got somewhere. .....We are scared. The optimism is totally there but there is a feeling of being alone and adrift and feeling powerless. ....Neither of us are control freaks but we both enjoy control over ourselves, the direction we're going in our life. Who doesn't?... Well, all of a sudden, we both feel that in 24 hours or so, our world will forever be changed and we can not immediately control any part of the outcome. Absolutely nothing. I can go to the store this morning and get a little more to pack. I can make sure that Tristan will be able to somewhat entertain himself this week AND be prepared to start school on next Monday. I can make sure our reservations at the hotel are secure for Mikey and T and that we've secured our home. However, I can not make Ireland flip her little head down so that I can have the natural, and to me, easier birth. I can not control what happens to me when the doctors numb me chest down, cut me open and retrieve my daughter. I can not demand to see Ireland when the doctor will obviously know what is best at any given moment. I can not make Ireland's natural bodily functions work the way they should. I can not determine the will of God or the strength of my baby. This is utterly out of my hands. ....I can't even say how I'll feel about all of this tomorrow morning and I surely don't know how I'll feel in the hours once she's born. I know I can't wait to meet her and see her....beyond that, I hope that I'm the picture of optimistic joy. I'll want to also be the wife that is reading my husband correctly and being what he needs as well as being the mother that can see what Tristan will need. I hope my body will heal quickly. I just hope and pray, really. That is all I feel that I can do.

I'm not sure why I let you all in on our very personal marriage thing last night but I don't want to forget this. I write all of this blog stuff for the sake of sharing but it's for me, too. .....I also don't want anyone out there to think Mikey and I have problems. Quite the opposite, actually. For a couple facing this crazy unfair (for lack of a better word), "situation", we do pretty well. We can sometimes go on differing wavelengths but this is human. We always find our way back to each other and it's not very hard to do. It's probably nerve wracking to him and myself, when we have to abruptly jar the other, but it feels pretty good when it is done. ....For me, I was just scared last night. We had sort of totally wasted the weekend and I felt that I'd be preparing us all on this journey alone. Silly me, Tristan and Mikey, always step up.

I suppose there is a slight control freak in me when it comes to leaving my home. I'm never a total neat freak, anyone who's been in our home knows a little chaos or disorder feels homey to me. A little. However. If I'm leaving home for a bit, I want it clean and orderly when I come back. We'll create some disorder the minute we unpack. .......anyway, I think because of the feeling of powerless-ness (is this a word?!) over what will come, I just sort of panicked and needed to feel some control in these next hours. Also, we know our world will immediately be changed. We need each other and needed to say out loud that this has been hard and we're afraid that it might get harder before it gets easy ...or "normal" again.

Anywho, it's time for me to get going. There is alot to do today. Honestly, I bet by noon, the list will be covered and I'll just have little projects that I think need done. This is, afterall, going to be my daughter. I've dreamed of having a girl and having never been really the "girly" type, seem to want to channel this while she's a cutie-patootie baby.

Pray for us. Emotionally calmed. Physically healed. Thankful. Any of this would be wonderful.

6 comments:

  1. Praying for your family and Ireland. Hold onto one another and stay strong for each other. This journey will only bring you closer to one another in a way that is undescribable. You and your daughter are in great hands and I look forward to seeing pictures of your beautiful child!

    Hugs, Tracy

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  2. Praying for you all day and for the strength you will find during your journey. Never doubt for a minute that Ireland can beat this. We cannot wait to hear of her arrival and see your beautiful girl:)

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  3. Monica & DarrellAugust 17, 2009 at 11:44 AM

    Your family and Ireland will be in our thoughts and prayers for your big day tomorrow. Can't wait to see pictures and
    meet your daughter. Be strong and if there is anything you need we are only a phone call away. Bless you all

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  4. Praying for Ireland and the rest of the family! We are here if you need anything!

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  5. alright, i have been a little m.i.a. lately as our internet in KY stinks! Anyways, you have been in my thoughts tons! I know you will be strong for your little girl. I know you are scared. My last few days I was CRAZY! I can't wait to "meet" little Ireland tomorrow! Geez, I am tearing up thinking about all you are about to go through. Remember to take everything in stride. doctors don't know everything. and most importantly- these babies are FIGHTERS! I think they love to kick butt and prove people wrong. :-) Much love and many prayers you guys!

    Ash

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  6. Hey, if you need ANYTHING, please do not hesitate to call me or Claire. 480-203-5972. Anytime of day or night. Even if it is just to vent. We know how you feel right now...praying.

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