Thursday, July 23, 2009

Warning: serious whining here

Today is a day for some serious whining. I'm strong. I smile. There are worse out there than me, I know. But today, I'd like to whine.
We are some seriously good people deep down and man, when it rains it freaking pours. I get angry sometimes because we don't deserve this. It's hot as hell outside and the swamp cooler only does so much. Our garden did not produce one thing this year (even though the dead looking cherry tomato plant on the porch does not look like the picture that came with it, I have got 3 small yet tasty tomatoes.). Mikey's grandpa is in the hospital having surgery while at the same time he has pneumonia. The man is in his 80's and I've loved him since the day I met him and hope he comes through. Tristan managed to rack up his phone bill and honestly I think it's my fault (this time). I allowed him on 3 separate occasions to pick 3 games for his phone. Come to find out, the games charge time online. Ca Ching...no, we don't have the money for this right now! We have been getting bills from the U of U that we were told a few weeks ago were handled, well now, they are owed as coinsurance and deductible...I guess I should be grateful because the medical bills shouldn't go over $5000 according to the deductible for this year. Should be grateful for this, I'm sure, but the money tree is just as good as my damn garden!! (excuse explicit language but the word 'dang' just didn't feel the same) I've been on the phone this morning with social workers trying to figure out some logistics of what will happen once Ireland is born here in the middle of next month and though they're nice, they can't offer too much. The Ronald McDonald house here has a 35 mile radius rule on who stays and wouldn't you know that mapquest says 34.69miles and google maps says 35.1 miles. Of course, Ronald McDonald goes by mapquest and besides, it's a bad summer and they're packed. How awful, really. Of course, regardless of what the mileage says, our trip to the hospital normally takes atleast an hour to get there. The hotel discounts that are nearby range from $59 to $74 a night. Good prices if we'd been saving for a week's vacation. Not so good for 2 to 4 months of off and on stays because of our precious NICU baby. ....oh and my son's finger that was broken right before school let out a few months ago, insurance covered nothing! .....there is, believe it or not, much more I could gripe about...sister in law's health, my brother's job woes, another older family member passing last week, my yard looking nowhere near like I'd normally keep it and getting looks from the good mormon neighbors probably because of the lack of anything beyond the basic cutting of grass that may or may not have needed to be done just a tad sooner, the thoughtful comment of a friend letting me know how huge I look, or the family member from afar letting me know that I should just pretend that Ireland is still in my "tummy" during her NICU stay.....oh, on and on. Yes, I am seriously whining and venting. And ya know, I need to. I went off on Tristan last night over that phone bill and honestly, this time, it was my fault. He's a good kid and tends to confess when he's screwed up. It may take him a bit, but rarely does he not admit things in the end. .....I apologized for having a complete fit (and I mean total madness going on), he apologized for yelling back (a big no, no in this house).

I woke up this morning prepared to take care of business and though I have been productive from this computer and my phone, it's just not been going my way and it sucks. Flat out, sucks.
...I always keep in the back of my mind that this too shall pass and yes, I know it will. It felt good to vent and for now, I just ask that everyone pray for everyone else. Life can be hard and overwhelming at times. This is all my reality right now but Mikey will come home, we'll have a somewhat decent meal, do what needs to be done and then our little family will chill out in some way and either laugh at something on t.v., one of our pets or my dancing belly. Tomorrow will come and who knows, miracles happen every single second...it will be Friday after all.

7 comments:

  1. Hello Chanda, I was trying to find an e-mail for you on your site but was unable to locate one. Could you shoot me an e-mail?
    brett@isomike.com
    Thanks.. Brett

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  2. O GIRL, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! THERE IS ONE GOOD THING I READ IN ALL OF THAT LOL......YOUR STILL HOME WITH YOUR FAMILY...I MISS MINE SOO SO BAD. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR 3 WEEKS! MY LITTLE BOY IS ONLY 3 SO IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME, AND HIM. WE LIVE 3 HOURS AWAY FROM OUR HOSPITAL SO AFTER THE BABY IS BORN I'LL STILL BE AWAY FROM MY FAM. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS.....I WAS ASKING GOD LAST NIGHT WHY...WHY ME, WHY US, WHY MY BABY? THEN I FELT BAD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANY BABY TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT OURS IS GOING TO HAVE TO. ALTHOUGH IF BABY JACKSON DIDNT HAVE THIS CONDITION I WOULD NEVER KNOW ABOUT ANY OTHER BABIES WITH IT AND MY HEART WOULDN'T HURT SO BAD FOR THEM........BUT THEN AGAIN NOW THAT OUR SON HAS IT SO MANY MORE PEOPLE KNOW OF CDH....ALL MY HOME TOWN! GOD HAS A BIGGER BETTER PLAN AND THATS ALL I CAN TELL MYSELF....LOTS OF PRAYERS FOR YOU GIRL

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  3. Hi Brett, my email is mikeandchanda@gmail.com....and Candice, you're so right! I do have my family and for that I'm blessed. I sent you an email the other day, hope you got it...it was just rambling but something to hopefully not make you feel so alone!...I'm thinking of you often, and the spiritual emotional side of all this is draining..for me, atleast, I go between angry and sad and grateful for the good that's come out of this...hugs to ya!

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  4. Chanda! Keep venting! It's the best thing that you can do for yourself! Keeping it inside isn't healthy, and you are human! You are real! You don't need to put on a show for how you feel. I think that we need to be more real like this when it comes to sharing how things are going....not just answering 'fine' and 'good' when it's a lie! I know how hard this journey is going to be. I can't relate to the financial side of things because in Canada, we got not one bill!!! I don't think that in these types of situations that insurance companies need to play off of your emotions, or feelings! Thank you for being so open and honest!!!
    Bobbi

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  5. Chanda,

    You don't know my wife and I but, we totally know how you are feeling. It really does SUCK. When Max was diagnosed with CDH in the 19th week, I was totally pissed off. We make good money. We are good christians. We do good things. Why do we deserve this? It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense! We have struggled with this for the entire pregnancy and we know how you feel. Frankly, sometimes you need to just vent. Sometimes you NEED to say damn. Sometimes worse comes out, and that is ok...we are human. We cannot change the cards that God has chosen to deal to our families and we have to walk with Him through that. You are not alone in this. I am not saying any of this to try and make you feel better either. Sometimes misery just loves company...oh well. One day at a time, right?

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  6. Chanda, I wish I was there to help you and listen to you , lend an ear, do your grocery shopping, and alll.. praying for you, thinking of you and the family, loving you missing you all. you are all dealing with this great! God Bless Love aileen

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  7. Hi Chanda- I just found your blog from Maxton's Mommy.... I wanted you to know I will be praying for your little girl as you prepare for her.

    Sarah, Mommy to Noah RCDH, now almost 3 yrs old.

    Also, I help with an non-profit called Global CDH. globalcdh.org. we would love to send you some things, just sign up if you are in the mood.

    God bless

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