Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Emotions and Confession(s) to friendships and CDH truth

Well, first off, I wanted to say that I have an official date and time from the doctor. I'll be induced on the 18th of August at 730 am. This is good. Seems like a long time from now but I'm crossing my legs (best I can) and determined to keep her in there until then!!!

Next, I had one restless night of sleep!!! I'd love to say that I'm excellent at keeping up with all of the blogs I try to follow but truth is, I'm not. I tend to see/read every one's at least once a week or two and sometimes have spurts where I'm following for days. I think this is normal. ...Well, in the CDH world, there has been so much going on with the sites that I follow pretty regularly. I've had one baby go home after dang near 4 months of NICU! Yay! Little Ruby Hope is on her way home after 3 months (and might I add a hard time on ECMO). One twin has been home waiting for her sister for over a month now and sure enough Kamryn seems to be getting the message that she needs to heal quickly. One fellow blogger that had lost her son has been doing incredible work for others who have lost their CDH babies and continues to follow numerous blogs while grieving in her own way. One friend/blogger is having a 4th child and can't help but wonder that all will be well, seeing how she has one CDH daughter that has occasional struggles still. Yet another blogger friend has been having a tough time dealing with the loss of her son and worrying that another child may not be in her future. Another blogger friend, lost her daughter and has been dealing with decisions they made during their long stay in a far from home NICU, as well as the obvious grief that comes with loss .....and yet another CDH mom/blogger friend is about to begin her journey because (last I read) her baby is about to be born with a prognosis that I hope beats all odds. This all can occasionally keep me up at night with worry.
Ya know, I don't know one of these people personally. I would not know them if I passed them on the street and yet, I swear I feel their emotions sometimes as if they're my own. I've said it before, you can't help but feel that you know these people as you follow their lives...even if it's simply through words that took possibly minutes of their day to put down. Most of the time, what you're reading is their deepest wishes, sorrows, thoughts....they're not wanting to be alone and they're the type comfortable enough to put their emotions out there in hopes to help themselves and/or help someone else. Goodness knows this is why I began to blog.
Anywho, someday soon, I hope to figure out how to update my blog and add those that I follow and maybe change the pepto pink color just for the sake of ease of reading. Also, those that read my blog may have a day with extra time to catch someone else's blog, maybe leave a note or just say a little prayer for that perfect stranger dealing with this little known condition.

Well, confession time, part of my not sleeping is because I also have been feeling guilty. I had a recent "function" that I didn't attend for totally selfish (maybe, hopefully, not totally selfish)reasons. There was truth in what was said on the day I had my husband call but there was also a bit of my just not wanting to be there. I don't know about anyone else nearing their due date and feeling excited and nervous, but their are times when I want to distance myself from others. For instance, last night, I probably spent an hour or two just talking to people on facebook because I was excited about my induction date when I came home. Then, you have this declined "function" where I just didn't want to be around people. I was simply having a day. I had run around that morning and was tired and felt emotional. I didn't want to be around people that were letting me know how their lives were just going swimmingly. There was also most likely going to be a family with their newborn daughter there, and I didn't particularly want to ooh and aah that day. I didn't want to necessarily see all of the beautiful changes done to a friend's home when I feel that I've been neglecting my own. I also didn't want to discuss my pregnancy and all that comes with our particular circumstances. In a way, I think it was good that I didn't go. I would of been miserable company and honestly, everyone was there to have a good time. And...., I like everyone that was most likely there and am certain that baby I didn't want to see was perfectly adorable. .......just right now, my emotions tend to run extremely high and extremely low and I know when it's best for me to just say I need a nap and leave the room/function of the day. I have also noticed that certain friends are better to be around than others right now. I have friends that I can look like I just got out of bed, and they will make me feel right at home. There are others in my life, though they may be a friend, are just different. I've decided that this is just how adult friendships are. When we were kids, we had sleepovers with the best of friends and knew everything about each other. As adults, our friendships are different...at least for me. I have those that I've known for years and can walk around bra less and in pj's without the least bit feelings of inadequacy (barring that any significant other is usually not right there). I have newer friends that I feel this way around even. Then there are the friends that are on different levels of ya-know-me to we're still getting-to-know each other and only on certain levels....point is, most 'functions' have varying degrees of these friends and some strangers, and sometimes, ya just need to nap versus being social. Well, that is my confession of the day.

.....Anyway, I really want to stress that this CDH is just soooo not cool. I feel that because so many of us tend to normally put on a happy face to get through our day that people forget how serious this condition is. If you look at simply the blogs I follow, there is a seriously sad percentage of tragedies to great coming-home stories...and for all of us dealing with this or having dealt with this, our doctors are/were wonderful....and yet, bottom line for all of our prenatal care, researching latest studies, knowing the percentages for our particular situations, being at the best hospitals and having the best doctors...only God and our babies determine the outcome. ...I figure this can explain my scatter-brained postings and my emotional highs and lows. I am so very excited for August 18th to get here and for me to meet Ireland..... but I'm also very nervous about the end of my pregnancy that has for the most part been smooth sailing while Ireland's been living off of my placenta, my loving care.

6 comments:

  1. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Don't doubt for a minute that Ireland can defeat this CDH monster. I pray for you both and am excited to hear of her arrival on the 18th. Reach out if you need anything...

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  2. I know exactly what you are feeling. I went through the same emotions. Baby Ireland has a team of CDH angels cheering her own. These babies are so much tougher and stronger than the doctors give them credit for! Just love her and talk to her while she is in your belly and know that she is going to come out fighting!

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  3. Awww Chanda! You are such a wonderful person! I love that I was normal thinking all of these same things. I hated talking about what was going to happen when Kristen was born with people. I felt like they just had a glazed over look in their eyes. I can't wait to see how strong little Ireland is going to be with her CDH. I know it's hard, so I'll keep positive for you even when you can't! lots of hugs from all of us over here! Bobbi

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  4. I remember having those sleepless nights and reading other blogs daily. I still do! Everyone would tell me not to but I had to. I felt close to everyone even though they didnt know I was reading their blog.
    I am praying for you as the 18th approaches. Enjoy your pregnancy and give Ireland lots of belly rubs for me. Also put your feet up and ask for massages. You are in our prayers. Please dont hesitate to call me if you need anything. I am here for you along with other CDH families.

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  5. It has been over 5 years and I still find myself following blogs and praying these sweet gifts from God overcome CDH. I am praying for strength for Ireland and she fights with all her might. You are in good hands when Ireland arrives and they are going to do their best to help her beat her CDH. I so wish you would have been around on the hospital the 5th of August. I will be leaving...Go Ireland Go chants in the halls of the hospital next week!! The 18th will be here before you know and I am praying for your family. Sending you tons of positive energy for the weeks to come.

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  6. When I was pregnant with Kayla- my last two - three weeks .. I did not talk to anyone...but my husband and parents. I left my siblings, friends and a lot of family in the dark. I just did not want to know how perfect everything was going for them when I was about to hop on the CDH roller coaster. So I totally understand what you are feeling and you are totally entitled to that feeling. Even during our time at the hospital- it took me probably 6 weeks before I would really call people and talk to them, Kayla went home around 7 weeks. It took me a long time!

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