Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ireland's daddy's turn!

Well first of all I have to send out lots of love to my beautiful wife. How she can get on here and get her true heart felt feeling out to "strangers" is a great testament to all of you that follow her blog. With that said, lots of hugs and well wishes to you all that have, are having, or have had a CDH baby. As the 18th of August gets closer I am getting the nerves if you will. I of course have the hope and dreams that she will be the little fighter I'm dreaming of and come through with flying colors. I've got so much else going on with my family at the same time that sometimes I feel guilty I'm not thinking of little Ireland more. I guess I just feel like she's alright inside and that I can save up all my worrying once she is out. Just my sister in Ohio isn't doin very well and the Dr's can't seem to find anything wrong with her. My grandfather just got out of the hospital with another big scare that isn't over. He really needs a surgery but isn't strong enough they think to make it threw. I thank my lucky stars Chanda is as strong as she seems and that when my downs r here she can get me through. Tristan has been great this whole time too.. well as good as a 14 year old can be in these Well that enough of my bs. I just really wanted to say I'm thinking about all of your babies and am sending as much extra love that I have your ways. Good night all...


Emotions and Confession(s) to friendships and CDH truth

Well, first off, I wanted to say that I have an official date and time from the doctor. I'll be induced on the 18th of August at 730 am. This is good. Seems like a long time from now but I'm crossing my legs (best I can) and determined to keep her in there until then!!!

Next, I had one restless night of sleep!!! I'd love to say that I'm excellent at keeping up with all of the blogs I try to follow but truth is, I'm not. I tend to see/read every one's at least once a week or two and sometimes have spurts where I'm following for days. I think this is normal. ...Well, in the CDH world, there has been so much going on with the sites that I follow pretty regularly. I've had one baby go home after dang near 4 months of NICU! Yay! Little Ruby Hope is on her way home after 3 months (and might I add a hard time on ECMO). One twin has been home waiting for her sister for over a month now and sure enough Kamryn seems to be getting the message that she needs to heal quickly. One fellow blogger that had lost her son has been doing incredible work for others who have lost their CDH babies and continues to follow numerous blogs while grieving in her own way. One friend/blogger is having a 4th child and can't help but wonder that all will be well, seeing how she has one CDH daughter that has occasional struggles still. Yet another blogger friend has been having a tough time dealing with the loss of her son and worrying that another child may not be in her future. Another blogger friend, lost her daughter and has been dealing with decisions they made during their long stay in a far from home NICU, as well as the obvious grief that comes with loss .....and yet another CDH mom/blogger friend is about to begin her journey because (last I read) her baby is about to be born with a prognosis that I hope beats all odds. This all can occasionally keep me up at night with worry.
Ya know, I don't know one of these people personally. I would not know them if I passed them on the street and yet, I swear I feel their emotions sometimes as if they're my own. I've said it before, you can't help but feel that you know these people as you follow their lives...even if it's simply through words that took possibly minutes of their day to put down. Most of the time, what you're reading is their deepest wishes, sorrows, thoughts....they're not wanting to be alone and they're the type comfortable enough to put their emotions out there in hopes to help themselves and/or help someone else. Goodness knows this is why I began to blog.
Anywho, someday soon, I hope to figure out how to update my blog and add those that I follow and maybe change the pepto pink color just for the sake of ease of reading. Also, those that read my blog may have a day with extra time to catch someone else's blog, maybe leave a note or just say a little prayer for that perfect stranger dealing with this little known condition.

Well, confession time, part of my not sleeping is because I also have been feeling guilty. I had a recent "function" that I didn't attend for totally selfish (maybe, hopefully, not totally selfish)reasons. There was truth in what was said on the day I had my husband call but there was also a bit of my just not wanting to be there. I don't know about anyone else nearing their due date and feeling excited and nervous, but their are times when I want to distance myself from others. For instance, last night, I probably spent an hour or two just talking to people on facebook because I was excited about my induction date when I came home. Then, you have this declined "function" where I just didn't want to be around people. I was simply having a day. I had run around that morning and was tired and felt emotional. I didn't want to be around people that were letting me know how their lives were just going swimmingly. There was also most likely going to be a family with their newborn daughter there, and I didn't particularly want to ooh and aah that day. I didn't want to necessarily see all of the beautiful changes done to a friend's home when I feel that I've been neglecting my own. I also didn't want to discuss my pregnancy and all that comes with our particular circumstances. In a way, I think it was good that I didn't go. I would of been miserable company and honestly, everyone was there to have a good time. And...., I like everyone that was most likely there and am certain that baby I didn't want to see was perfectly adorable. .......just right now, my emotions tend to run extremely high and extremely low and I know when it's best for me to just say I need a nap and leave the room/function of the day. I have also noticed that certain friends are better to be around than others right now. I have friends that I can look like I just got out of bed, and they will make me feel right at home. There are others in my life, though they may be a friend, are just different. I've decided that this is just how adult friendships are. When we were kids, we had sleepovers with the best of friends and knew everything about each other. As adults, our friendships are least for me. I have those that I've known for years and can walk around bra less and in pj's without the least bit feelings of inadequacy (barring that any significant other is usually not right there). I have newer friends that I feel this way around even. Then there are the friends that are on different levels of ya-know-me to we're still getting-to-know each other and only on certain levels....point is, most 'functions' have varying degrees of these friends and some strangers, and sometimes, ya just need to nap versus being social. Well, that is my confession of the day.

.....Anyway, I really want to stress that this CDH is just soooo not cool. I feel that because so many of us tend to normally put on a happy face to get through our day that people forget how serious this condition is. If you look at simply the blogs I follow, there is a seriously sad percentage of tragedies to great coming-home stories...and for all of us dealing with this or having dealt with this, our doctors are/were wonderful....and yet, bottom line for all of our prenatal care, researching latest studies, knowing the percentages for our particular situations, being at the best hospitals and having the best doctors...only God and our babies determine the outcome. ...I figure this can explain my scatter-brained postings and my emotional highs and lows. I am so very excited for August 18th to get here and for me to meet Ireland..... but I'm also very nervous about the end of my pregnancy that has for the most part been smooth sailing while Ireland's been living off of my placenta, my loving care.

Friday, July 24, 2009

What a Wonderful World!/having a hippie/kum-ba-yah moment

I love that song...what a wonderful world....and it haaaaas to be sung by Louis Armstrong! ....anywho, I thought about posting an apology for my rantings yesterday but once again, nope, not my style. I think there are alot of us out there wanting to scream "It's not fair!!!". Whether it is the CDH families or anyone else with their own personal battle. ...point is, my day immediately began to get better once I'd let my frustrations out. Nothing changed and honestly, a few things seemed worse. But. My favorite bad grammar...but. ...dramatic pause here to consider the beauty of this coarse word ...but, people started posting their understanding. I got an incredible email from a good samaritan. I was totally not alone. I talked to my brother for some time and he offered his advice and also let me know some of his worries. I was reminded of what I did have right now that others didn't.
Anyway, could go on and on about why I'm actually glad that I vented but let's just say, that it felt good to let it out and to let others in. I foresee many rantings and ravings on my part. It's not a good thing necessarily but it's what works for me. I wish that I could just meditate, chant, or pray and instantly feel better but I tend to get angry. I get angry and I can see people huffing and puffing that this is NOT good but before you judge, know that I almost always have a healthy outlet for this. I don't tend to hold on to it as a life line and I surely know it isn't healthy. I've had trials in my life before this and I'm sure that I'll have even more if I'm lucky enough to live a long life. .....I'm struggling to get my point across here but I just want everyone to know that we're going to be okay. My family is strong and I feel strong within myself. Strength does not pay the bills but it makes you stand up, assess the situation and go from there. ........and the anger part...soooooooo not good. But...if you let that anger out in a healthy way, let it go and let God or whoever or whatever take that for you...that's a good thing and for most people and definitely me, it's freeing. The affects don't always last forever but in that moment, I'm much lighter. And I believe that the more I let it go, the better off I am.
That's it for now. Please do not see me as Will Farrell having another "Deep Thought" from SNL. Then again, if it makes you smile, go with it. ....thanks to everyone that made yesterday a better day!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Warning: serious whining here

Today is a day for some serious whining. I'm strong. I smile. There are worse out there than me, I know. But today, I'd like to whine.
We are some seriously good people deep down and man, when it rains it freaking pours. I get angry sometimes because we don't deserve this. It's hot as hell outside and the swamp cooler only does so much. Our garden did not produce one thing this year (even though the dead looking cherry tomato plant on the porch does not look like the picture that came with it, I have got 3 small yet tasty tomatoes.). Mikey's grandpa is in the hospital having surgery while at the same time he has pneumonia. The man is in his 80's and I've loved him since the day I met him and hope he comes through. Tristan managed to rack up his phone bill and honestly I think it's my fault (this time). I allowed him on 3 separate occasions to pick 3 games for his phone. Come to find out, the games charge time online. Ca, we don't have the money for this right now! We have been getting bills from the U of U that we were told a few weeks ago were handled, well now, they are owed as coinsurance and deductible...I guess I should be grateful because the medical bills shouldn't go over $5000 according to the deductible for this year. Should be grateful for this, I'm sure, but the money tree is just as good as my damn garden!! (excuse explicit language but the word 'dang' just didn't feel the same) I've been on the phone this morning with social workers trying to figure out some logistics of what will happen once Ireland is born here in the middle of next month and though they're nice, they can't offer too much. The Ronald McDonald house here has a 35 mile radius rule on who stays and wouldn't you know that mapquest says 34.69miles and google maps says 35.1 miles. Of course, Ronald McDonald goes by mapquest and besides, it's a bad summer and they're packed. How awful, really. Of course, regardless of what the mileage says, our trip to the hospital normally takes atleast an hour to get there. The hotel discounts that are nearby range from $59 to $74 a night. Good prices if we'd been saving for a week's vacation. Not so good for 2 to 4 months of off and on stays because of our precious NICU baby. ....oh and my son's finger that was broken right before school let out a few months ago, insurance covered nothing! .....there is, believe it or not, much more I could gripe about...sister in law's health, my brother's job woes, another older family member passing last week, my yard looking nowhere near like I'd normally keep it and getting looks from the good mormon neighbors probably because of the lack of anything beyond the basic cutting of grass that may or may not have needed to be done just a tad sooner, the thoughtful comment of a friend letting me know how huge I look, or the family member from afar letting me know that I should just pretend that Ireland is still in my "tummy" during her NICU stay.....oh, on and on. Yes, I am seriously whining and venting. And ya know, I need to. I went off on Tristan last night over that phone bill and honestly, this time, it was my fault. He's a good kid and tends to confess when he's screwed up. It may take him a bit, but rarely does he not admit things in the end. .....I apologized for having a complete fit (and I mean total madness going on), he apologized for yelling back (a big no, no in this house).

I woke up this morning prepared to take care of business and though I have been productive from this computer and my phone, it's just not been going my way and it sucks. Flat out, sucks.
...I always keep in the back of my mind that this too shall pass and yes, I know it will. It felt good to vent and for now, I just ask that everyone pray for everyone else. Life can be hard and overwhelming at times. This is all my reality right now but Mikey will come home, we'll have a somewhat decent meal, do what needs to be done and then our little family will chill out in some way and either laugh at something on t.v., one of our pets or my dancing belly. Tomorrow will come and who knows, miracles happen every single will be Friday after all.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Uneventful times

I just thought I'd post a bit of something even though I have no news. I'm huge and burning up in this Utah, July weather. I'm now counting down the 3 to 4 weeks that I have left. I'm hoping that at my dr's appointment tomorrow to have an induction date but it'll not be a huge deal if we wait another week or two to settle this. As much as I'd love to have Ireland now, I know it's best to wait as far out as we can. The doctor had already said that he'd like to induce me no more than a week before her due date if possible. Honestly, I think this is totally possible. My pregnancy itself has been fairly good. I've had minor complaints and truth be known, now is the only time I feel that I have major complaints. It is terribly hot lately and if I walk more than an hour, I feel miserable. Grocery shopping yesterday totally wiped me out. Fortunately, a good friend called us yesterday afternoon and we ended up going to her pool to battle the heat. ....I highly recommend the swimming because you're instantly light as a feather AND the water just feels great!
Anywho, I'm going to check on all my bloggin' babies. Have a good week.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

For Candice Beal

Candice...I could really use your email if you don't mind. I can't find it anywhere so I'm just posting again in hopes that you see this. I was kicked off of your blog again. I am not computer saavy so have no idea what to tell you to fix this problem. ....bottom line though, we're thinking of you and your family.

Baby Jackson Beal

I had to post this because for some reason I can get on everyone's blog this morning but I keep getting kicked off of the Beal's site and just am hoping that they know I'm thinking of them. I read on Kamryn's site that things are not looking so hot for baby Jackson and I want them to know that they've got some deep prayers headed their way and that I ask everyone I know to think of them. ....If anyone would know the cause of why I'm continuing to get kicked off of their site, please let me know.

Yesterday's Shower

I really had an amazing shower. Most of my family and friends are in VA, PA, and AZ. They're scattered in OH and WA and all over. It's summertime, so many of the friends I have here in UT just happen to be on vacation. And even then, my friend Jeannie, managed to throw me one hell of a shower. Friends even managed to take a few pics that were pretty dang decent of myself and for that alone, they carry an extra special place in my heart!!! ...Also, my husband's friends and old co-workers managed to bring me to tears because they sent a card and had collected some money (alot of money!!) to help us out with Ireland's expenses. How do I even begin to thank everyone. Of course, there is the obligatory thank you card but really, it somehow doesn't seem enough. ...and newest and great friend, Marnee, who had to work and miss the shower, dropped on by to give me a gift. Crazy girl! She lives in Brigham City (too far away) and went out of her way to do this for me. I really feel blessed for all those in my life. ...I even had family send cards that were not to be opened until the shower...awesome because I really did think of all of those that I wish could have been there.

Is this not the cutest cake ever??? I need to figure out how to preserve the little baby in the flower...we put it in the fridge for now and need to clean some icing off the bottom before somehow preserving it forever. any suggestions are welcome and needed!!!

I am actually printing this pic out...I didn't think it was too bad. Plus I love my "Mother-to-be" crown. Apparently, some didn't notice what it said.....did they think I just decided to wear one of the many tiaras that I had lying around? :) lol

This is my BFF, Jeannie (even if Marnee insists that she's her BFF). She threw me this awesome shower and I love her and all of her family. She manages to give me a family here in UT and honestly, everyone needs their own personal Jeannie.

This is my Mikey. I love him dearly and am so excited to have Ireland with him!!!

These were my shower peeps. They're all beautiful and managed to make me feel pretty dang special and really gave us a nice start for what Ireland needs.

All in all, think we all had a pretty good time. We had some fun games (one in particular reminded me to pick up a book of nursery rhymes because my knowledge was seriously lacking here!!), some great food, and I got a cool little booklet with advice from everyone.

Wanted to add thanks to all the daddy's that kept the kids for an afternoon. I know that my hubby and Jeannie's man went to Hooter's with our boys and apparently they're stocked with a lifetime of jokes for each of our 14 year olds. Story goes that when Mikey asked to get a picture of the boys with the waitress, they were pretty shy about the whole thing...Tristan apparently smiled and blushed with hands in pockets and Gavin (Jeannie's boy) tried to stand a foot away from the poor, I love that these man/child boys of ours aren't too girl crazy yet!!! ....they love to talk the talk but aren't quite ready to walk.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

T's home...appt. from Tuesday

Well, Tristan is home!!! I can not believe that this man/child is my son. At 14, he is just so much taller than me and is just plain old bigger than me. He was only gone a month and I swear he grew. His dad actually had to get him new shoes. Crazy!!
....I did not get to see my Dr. Silver this past appointment. Have no idea why, but he's human and that's okay. The midwife we see each week, Gretchen, is perfectly nice and answered my questions. I did get another ultrasound as well and all I can say is that it is sooooooo hard to believe that something is wrong. Our little Ireland was actually rubbing her belly and yawning. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen on an ultrasound. For as big as she is now, 5.1 lbs at 34 weeks, it's amazing how clear the ultrasound was this time. Yes, the stomach is still up in the chest, her heart is pushed towards the right and only God knows what else is going on, but just to see her on that screen....well, she is becoming this cute and chubby baby. She moved around quite a bit but we still managed very clear images. She is head down but I'm being told that I shouldn't worry that this means she's ready to come (this is what keeps me up now...fear of waaaay too early birth). I made sure to ask Gretchen what on earth we do if Ireland decides to break down the door and come before we're ready and she said Ireland would need to be life flighted, this is telling me to be vigilant and make sure Ireland does not do this!!!! She is just so incredibly low and actually kicks my hips and cervix almost as much as my ribs and such. Scary thought to have her early. The plan is weekly visits and planned induction.
Anywho, I'm finally having my shower this Saturday. I'm pretty excited. I'm also sad because 3 of my friends are out of state during this time....this is problem with having local friends that are also not from here and choose military careers. And with family and friends in VA, PA, WA, and AZ....well, they'll all be so missed. We wanted to send invitations to EVERYONE but honestly, it was just too expensive. I sent them to our parents and grandparents...and I've actually got a few cards that I'm not supposed to open until the actual shower. And Ireland has already been spoiled beyond belief by Aunts and other family and friends. I put Aunts in capitals because seriously!!! girl will be one stylish baby!
.....well, will do my best to keep up and also to post some shower pics once I have those. Also, Mikey and I want to take a few nice family/preggo pics, so I'll post those as well.