Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dreams and Worries

Well, today I should have shower invites in the mail. Mikey and I did most of the work since Jeannie (friend having shower) is insisting on everything else. None of us know the etiquette since we're all away from family and basically all of our shower giving experience is a big zero. Oh well, all of us trying to do this thing have at least been present at showers. So, we'll see how it goes. Knowing Jeannie, the food will be too much and really good.
Anyway, sorry I haven't posted in a bit. I was still processing alot of last week's doctor appointment. I've been doing fine but have been doing alot of dreaming and thinking about things to come. ....Last night, I asked Mikey if something was wrong with me since I don't cry alot right now. I'm sad and worried but my tears are sort of minimum. ....For instance, Saturday morning we were outside doing some yard work and our neighbor came over asking how I was and if I could explain what was going on a bit better. Well, next thing I know she's practically balling and I'm reassuring her. She is a very sweet woman and assured me that she was going through menopause and apologized. She didn't need to do this but I found myself explaining why I don't cry about this anymore. Why is that? Last night I did tear up during some show that had a small cameo of a sick newborn..other than that, I haven't really shown a heck of alot of emotion. ...I will say that I dream alot lately. I dream of good and bad things to come and it's all in a very "this could be real" way. ....Weird. Part of me explains this as my coping. I watch my belly dance constantly and at times, this all seems sort of unreal. Other times, not very often, I don't feel anything and worry like crazy.

Well, I worked a bit last week and yesterday and it seems to be coming to an end. I nap quite a bit now and am not comfortable driving an hour from home. I don't worry about bed rest so much since I'll most likely not be going around too much now. I have been on unemployment for several months now but have usually had some hours of work each week. This is probably a good thing because with income, it reduced my benefit and makes me eligible a bit longer.

Also, I have been stressing over silly things lately and really need to "chill out". There is too much to post here but since I throw in my sewing hobby, I'll use that as my example. ...I feel I have roughly at least 8 more weeks until Ireland is in the world and a little less than 3 weeks when my sibling in-laws are coming to visit. Well, I feel overwhelmed with what projects I want to get done before either of these things happen and in the end find myself having finished nothing. I have to make a list and prioritize or nothing will be done. I know that Ireland will not be coming home with me instantly but I feel that her room should totally be done because for one, we're not exactly going to be working on her room while she's at the NICU and she may be that miracle that is home sooner than later. As for my in-laws, well, I of course want the house to look nice and there are several projects that I'd like done before we have guests for a long weekend.....today, my only real thing I have to get done is take invites to the post office along with some work papers that need to be sent out...I actually woke up at 4am counting how many hours I had until the post office opened because I knew I still needed to address some envelopes, get them sealed and organize the paperwork that I need to send to my office. I also wanted to run by the book store. Now is this going to take 5 hours??? Absolutely not. But then my head starts running through all the projects I want to get done, the chores that must get done and what should we have for dinner and all of a sudden, you'd think I was running a mansion. I start worrying about how bad the front of our porch looks because I felt major landscaping could take a vacation this year. I worry about weeds in the rocks because they seem uncontrollable all of a sudden (granted it's been raining non-stop here). I worry about my dog shedding hair entirely too much this summer and the cat box possibly making our house smell (better not, I am very aware of smells!!!). I worry if I should get outside a bit more in shorts and get some color and then next thing I'm worrying about looking silly in said shorts with stick legs and huge round belly. I worry if I'll have time to nap if I'm trying to get all of this other stuff done. .......on and on. Some women are nesting and I'm just obsessing with worry. Oh well, better get off of here and actually make a to-do list. I'm convinced that I'll get all of this stuff done as long as I make my list each day. ...gotta go. Prayers out to my family, my peeps and all my CDH family and babies (future and present)!!!

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