Thursday, June 11, 2009

Nervous

I am a bit nervous about the appointment with the pediatric surgeon this morning. First off, we have to arrive fairly early because we're not certain where we're going. Second, I've been enjoying my rose colored scenario and don't particularly want to see my reality.
I am not one bit prepared for meeting this doctor. I had all of these questions in my head and every intention of writing them out and I just have not done this. I figure I'll do this on the way to Primary Children's.
Last night or rather, this morning, I woke early thinking of some of the mothers that didn't bring home their babies. Morbid, I know. But I thought how they still check on the progress of those of us waiting to have our babies and I wonder how they do that. I suppose this may mean I'm selfish because part of me thinks that I'd prefer to shut off the computer for a good year or two after something like that. ...also, I've been having some pretty weird dreams anyway. I dreamt the other night that we were at the Grand Canyon and I kept falling. I'd go stand for a picture, the wind would blow, and my bloated body would just topple. Weird.
Anywho, very nervous about today. Finally got out of bed, fed the cats and commenced to get in the car to go get Beto's (it's a local place with incredible breakfast burritos). Well, as I'm driving, I realize that at nearly 5:30 in the morning, without a lick of a bra or even decent clothes beyond a flimsy night gown, maybe this isn't the brightest idea. So, knowing that only women are ever there, I run through the McD's drive thru for a mocha and hotcakes. Call me crazy, I am. Plus, Mikey will probably have woken up just enough to have heard the car leave and come home, wake up and believe I brought him home something yummy for breakfast. Sorry.
I want to throw in here that I'm missing Tristan. He's older now and so far, we've had some sort of communication daily but it's not alot and I just miss him.
Anyway, totally scatter brained this morning if you have not noticed already. I apologize for this. I'm just sort of shocked about my feelings for today. I'd so been looking forward to this appointment and well, it just seems that I'd rather go see my Dr. Silver that lets me know that I'm progressing well and so is Ireland. This doctor that I'll see today will let me know all of the probably realities of our situation from baby is born to she can finally come home. He'll let me know what they'll do when they take her from me the minute she is born, what tubes will be for what, why they're there, what my role will be in all of this, why it may take a while for actual repair surgery, how long all of this may take, we'll discuss what may happen long term...on and on. See? I haven't really gone here too often and don't really relish the thought of going there today. I've read the news, the latest sites, the personal blogs and know many of the basics of what to expect but this is MY baby and it will not just be a story but a part of my life. I'll actually be living through this nightmare of worry and beyond everyone's niceties, this will all suck very much. ...I wonder how Mikey and Tristan and I will all get through this. I suddenly am worried about the basic things like where will we all sleep?, will we come home?, we'll have to come home so Tristan can go to school, we'll have to eat at some point, do I really want to do the whole pump my breasts constantly thing?, ...basics. How the hell do we figure out the basic logistics of all of this? ....Is Ireland going to suffer like crazy? When can I touch her and talk to her? Is she really so bad that she'll have to be fed through damned tubes at first?? ...I'm getting a little teary and I really have not done this in quite awhile. Part of me is back to feeling anger because the biggest question for me is when can I hold my baby. Who the hell has to ask this question? ...excuse the sailor talk but I tend to get turrets when I'm upset. I can usually hold it in but this is who I am..no holding back. Which makes me think of my mom's comment my last day of seeing her. We were discussing her and my daddy visiting once Ireland is home and she made the comment that she didn't want me going on and on about what happened in the hospital. What kind of damn mother says that???...Jeannie, if you're reading this be prepared to know that the hospital staff will be led to believe you are my adopted sister and have all rights to be in the room any time because I am assured that I can say anything to you...

Well, I had better stop with the angry/sad/nervous post and get on to making my list of questions. Better mood will come later, I'm sure but needed to get this out.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you and hope you had a good appt. Praying for Ireland.

    Hugs, Tracy

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