Friday, May 1, 2009

Deep: death and dying touched on here

Last night was one of those evenings that I once again am reminded that there are many layers to Mikey. Kind of like Shrek...remember the onion :). Anyway, we were talking about a phone call he had earlier. I won't go into too much detail because I wouldn't ever want to hurt this particular person but I'm going to say that I'm amazed at how many people cocoon themselves in guilt when others can let it go. It's so dang debilitating! He was on the phone for a good hour and a half and I do hope that when he hung up, there was some sort of peace on the other end. Anywho, as we're talking...one of those good talks that tend to come more often in the face of hardship...we hit on quite a few topics and eventually it led us to Ireland's birth and for the first time, possibly her death. It's hard to say that and I don't imagine we'll go there many more times. But we decided, in tears that it was okay to talk about this. Bottom line, I had a moment where I just said I wasn't sure that I'd want her buried here in Utah when I wasn't sure if it's where I'd want to be buried. I would want her near me and not alone. I don't even know if I'd want the whole cremation thing and have some jar in the house where I may feel heartbroken constantly. Well, the entire conversation on this didn't last a long time because it's uncomfortable, sad and we're wanting to continue on our course of hope. I just wanted to continue my little blog of honesty here and say that this happened. I'm sure there are many with opinions and honestly, I would prefer no one give me religious lessons here...this is probably, to me anyway, as personal as I can get on this blog. I read other blogs, when I can, that tell the stories of other families that have dealt with CDH and the hard reality is seeing the great outcomes and reading the difficult times that can end so tragically. .......I just wanted to put this conversation of ours out there because I know I'm not the first person that has thought of this during a difficult pregnancy. I'd like to believe she'll be in heaven and if there is a heaven, she would surely be there ...but there are times that I wonder if we're part of a circle of life where there is a sort of heaven about being part of the earth, ya know, feeding the earth and we're all connected that way. Anyway, I don't want to get all deep and theological. Prayer and God are important to me but I am human and the type that can think too much...and it's a good thing and possibly a bad thing too. Just would like my opinions respected since this is my experience. ....anyone that reads this, by now knows my writing can be a bit all over the place...forgive me and hopefully the rambling once again made some sense.
Well, on that possibly depressing note...I'd like to say that I'm nearly 25 weeks now and am ready to make this nursery. Mikey has the day off and we're going to look at some cribs and such today. It's time. I'm at peace more and more all of the time and thinking positive and knowing that if this does not work out our way that there is good in donation too. And seriously, that is IT on the depressing junk.....We're on a really positive route. Ireland has definitely got some hurdles but she has passed some pretty tough tests lately. She enjoys kicking me and I enjoy knowing she's there. We've got incredible doctors and awesome support. Deep down, I am believing that she is going to continue her best-case-scenario and come home and get better each day. She's going to love being a Brady baby! Who wouldn't want me as there mom?! :)

5 comments:

  1. It is totally normal to discuss death....you have the right to each and every one of your feelings. The facts and statistics are scarey about cdh. HOWEVER you are So right about staying positive.....this is a must and Ireland feels your good vibes as well as the bad. I always told my Ava..."Mommy has mostly good days but there are some days that Mommy has to be sad." I told her everything. I talked to her as though she were in my arms. I never wanted her to miss a thing. I think that is why she is the fighter she IS today. She knows I am always there for her.

    I am sorry again this has git your beautiful growing bud but she can survive. Don't get hung up on the odds. It is either 100% or 0% nothing in between. Hold and love her all you can....tell her all.

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  2. We are cheering Ireland on over here in Wyoming and believe she will come out fighting and get better with each passing day!! Some of your thoughts you have written, I thought about too after Ian was born. Have fun today picking out things for Ireland's nursery...I do remember Utah has amazing stores to go baby shopping at, really easy to spend too much money! Keep getting stronger Ireland and let your mommy know your determination to beat this CDH!!

    Have a good weekend, Tracy - Ian's mom

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  3. I think it is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. It is important to remain positive as much as you can, but also important to talk about things in a realistic manner- if that makes sense. We are continuing to keep you in our thoughts. Thanks for reading Max's blog. I was hoping our story could be an inspirational one, but it is what it is. :-) Also, thanks for the nice comments. Ireland has an awesome mommy!
    Ash

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  4. Thank you for sharing and it helps us to direct our prayers for you and your beautiful family! :)

    Sincerely,
    Steph, Tye and McGlynn Monsters. :)

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  5. I know its hard to think about the worst happening. I thought of it often and then tried to immeidiately think of positive thoughts. I said to myself I have to enjoy my first pregnancy to the fullest and I did. I also would cry whenever I felt like it because the hormones would kick in. Talk, read and sing to Ireland. Enjoy your time being pregnant. Don't let CDH take that away from you.

    Liz
    Nayeli's mom

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