Monday, April 20, 2009

Mothers and Daughters / Random Thoughts

First off, Mikey's home, sore but safe. Tristan caught our little virus and his toilet and trash can became his personal enemy. Luckily, Tristan gets sick, yacks a bit and then lets us all know he is hungry. I made him simply have chicken noodle soup, in lieu of his buffet appetite and he's well this morning. Ireland melted her dad's heart by finally letting him know for sure that she was most definitely kicking his hand. Me, I'm okay. I woke up thinking of stuff that I decided to write about this morning.
.....Part of my excitement in having a girl was the fact that I have mommy issues. As most of my close friends know, I am adopted. That happened when I was nearly 7 but I have what's called a repressed memory and have few memories of times before that. All I can say with certainty about my birth mother is that when she visited me once a week when I was in the foster system, she gave me tootsie rolls. Through records and my parents recount, I also know that she didn't want to give me up but was too sick with a mental illness to take care for me properly and the state took me from her. As for my birth father, I simply have a brief social care report and know that my husband found him through a search and he passed away not too many years ago....he was in his early 50s. For those that wonder, part of me would love to meet my birth mother and part of me is scared to death. For all of my issues, I could never imagine calling her my mom....she doesn't know me, she did not raise me, and mother means alot more than you look like me, we share blood, and I gave birth to you. This is my opinion and we could argue all day about this. It would be nice to know many things about her and of course, I'd love for her to know I'm well, that I was raised well and that my life has been tough at times and perfectly beautiful at other times. I'd like to know her medical history a bit better, I'd like to know a few other things as well....part of me would love to have a relationship and part of me has seen one too many crazy talk shows.
Anywho, the dream I have for my daughter is that I always accept her as she is and do my best to keep my expectations totally realistic for who she is....for me to remember that she is not an extension of me but a perfectly unique individual that will develop her own hopes and dreams. I hope for her to be happy and to always know who she is and who truly loves her and will support her through her ups and downs. I hope she loves me as much as I already love her.
I've felt that in my life, I've actually been fortunate. I've learned alot, some easy, some not. For those that are close to me, I've had more than my fair share of upsets. I've also had more than my fair share of criticism. Through it all, I've made just a few discoveries...atleast these apply to me. First, others can have unrealistic expectations. I don't want to be this person, it causes alot of pain and unease of who you are. There is enough to deal with in this world without having self doubts and someone else's damn expectations of who they think you are or who they believe you should be. Second, support has more than one meaning. I've often just needed someone to say I'm here to listen when you need it and to give you a hug if that is what you need. I've occassionaly needed financial help...it would have been nice to hear this is a gift or pay me back when you can.....that's all. It's very hard to ask for help in any form, you sure don't need to feel guilty or wrong. Most of the time, if you're to the point you need help, you've already learned a lesson or two at this point. (then again, if you expect hand outs every single time you turn around, you need to learn a lesson the hard way...trust me, I've had this happen too. Not neccessarily at a time I agreed with but let's just say I value what I have.) Also, on this support note, I learned to make good money and now, I'm in a place where life throws you loop and you pray that finances do not become a issue again in your life. I've already been down that road and do not want to go back. We have saved, we feel we have an umbrella...and we also know that things may happen that we've never dreamed. Third, less can be more. This applies to damn near everything besides underwear coverage in pregnancy (I don't care how cute you think you are, your bum is not when you're preggo no matter how much your man may say it's cute). More than anything (for this particular blog) it applies to advice. Unless you've been there, you just don't know. If you empathize, wonderful....maybe saying I care and am here for you would be more than appropriate. If you truly have advice, think it through. Make sure you're not referencing someone that would be hurt by you using their name, better yet, don't use a name...and if you have truly rich advice, make sure that your point is truly understood and that you can back it up, if need be, with something that can make said advice valuable to the receiver(hope that came out right). Fourth, acceptance. This probably goes right on back to my first thing I've learned, expectations. Anyway, to accept someone doesn't mean that you have to like them, it just means you accept them for who they are. You haven't been in there shoes, you don't know them. ....I personally believe that if people truly understood acceptance that the world would be a better place.
Well, believe it or not my rambling has a point....though it may be perfectly scatter-brained...for one I'm trying to respect others while getting my point across (to you or me, I'm not really sure)....not an easy task. Bottom line, I'd like my daughter and I to be close. My son and I have always been close but we've also been through alot together...we've been poor as hell when he was young and had some good times when it was just us and then when I met Mikey, we were lucky and meshed together fairly quick and with a minimum of issues. ......With having a daughter, I am just acutely aware of my relationship with my mother and of a few more mother/daughter relationships that are not exactly easy or close although each of these relationships are filled with their own brand of love. .....I just really want my daughter to be able to talk to me about anything and everything. I hope she is comfortable in her own skin with me and that she feels love, support and acceptance from me always. Whether she comes out perfectly to the norm of society or perfectly to the norm of her own unique self, I just hope I am the mother that she needs and will also want.

5 comments:

  1. You are right about acceptance. People need to be accepted for who or what they are. I have some family that (because they are family I love them) but I don’t always like them. I know I have made mistakes when I was younger, I know that I didn’t always do what others thought was the right thing. But what I thought was right for me. I believe in fate, I believe that there is a plan and all of us just try to follow it as best as we can. You didn’t ramble on like you thought you did. It all made since at least to me. Lessons in life are hard. And sometimes they knock us right on our ass. But what do we learn from it? That’s right, get right back up and start again. I have accepted my medical problems, and I will not let them slow me down. I know what matters to me. My family, my friends and my faith. I love the fact that you started this blog for yourself. I’m just glad I get to chime in every now and again. Have a great day. Hope the weather there is nice.
    Chrystal

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chanda, all I can say is that all of what you call 'rambling' is so beautiful to read! It's such a raw thought and inspertaional to have the real thoughts come out in print! I'm glad that I can follow your blog, and hopefully I CAN lend first had support of going through CDH. Anything past that, I'd be a liar to say I can relate!, so I won't. I'm glad that Ireland is kicking up a happy storm in there! She is just awaiting to make her beautiful, rollercoaster of a debut! Leave it to a girl to stress us out a such a young age...lol!

    ReplyDelete
  3. wouldn't ya know, I wrote this long note to both of you and I pushed some button apparently and lost the complete note that I was going to post. Oh well, Chrystal, You're awesome and I sure hope that any medical thing you've got going on isn't causing you too much pain...I imagine you're strong enough to not let anything hold you back. And you are so right about getting knocked down and having to get back up. People are funny how strong they think you are during hard times when the fact is you don't have a choice in the matter...you just choose to cry forever or get up and do what you can, huh?! I'm sure glad that I joined facebook a few weeks ago...didn't know I'd enjoy reconnecting with people sooooo much....or needing to meet people who've been there done that...like you, Bobbi!! I think you're right about a girl having to stress us out...it's okay, maybe she'll get it out of her system while she's young and just be a good girl from here on out. ...goodness knows, you are first on my list when Ireland comes out and I have to ask "what now?!".

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like to sneak a comment in every once and awhile. Just saying I love you babe and Tristan and Ireland already have the best mommy in the world for them.. And that's all that matters in the world 2 them. How do I know?? I married their great mommy!! xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
  5. you're the best babe, I love you!!

    ReplyDelete