a Gift?

Hey baby girl.  I miss you to the moon and back a gazillion times.  It hasn't been quite 3 months and well, there are moments that it seems like you just left this world.  ....I don't know what I thought, but I did think not having you in my arms wouldn't feel as intense today as it did.  Wow, your mommy is loopy because it does.  It hurts and I dream of you constantly.  ..........We sort of ignored Halloween this year.  It was too much.  How could we look at all the cuties and not see you in them.  ....not to worry, Tristan was not neglected and at 14 had a blast getting dressed up with a friend and handing out candy at his house.  .....I haven't really been looking forward to these next few holidays.  These are times of family and we seem so incomplete without you.  ....Heck, I've tried to fill the void of you not being here through shopping, crafting, ignoring CDH communities and even making some bling for other babies.  Even though one or two of these little "habits" may be good, a few are not so healthy.  I think that I have moments of intense sadness because I don't truly face that you are not here.  Sounds crazy but really, if I stay too busy to think, then ......well, I can't stay busy all of the time.  ......I do want you to know that I have good times too.  Not tons but I have laughed and smiled and been really happy for others.............I miss you...........I love you.   ..........Your daddy and I have been talking alot about another baby.  It's such a bittersweet conversation.  You can not be replaced.  .......you can not be replaced, I'm 36 (old in ovary years) and well, I want a baby and part of me can't get past just wanting you.   .......We had a memorial service for you the day after our 5th wedding anniversary.  .....It took us 5 years to finally have you ...and only 11 days to have lost you.....We went through tests to see if something was wrong with me, if something was wrong with your sweet Daddy and all the doctors said we were fine.  We went through several drugs, invasive testing, iui's, and months and months of taking temperatures and checking ovulation dates, we got sick of each other and then we'd be convinced that to forget about it would bring us our dreamed baby.  Well, finally we take a drug that works for us and you become our world. ...........Tristan was excited, your Daddy was hooked , I was so excited about life in general...and honestly, all that knew about you felt the same.  ...........You were our long awaited gift.  You still are.  ......and I grieve.  I hurt.  and I function somehow, smile somehow, feel that I am mental at times, and feel that life is going on at other times.  ...........We went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago.  We thought it was time to see when we could start trying for another baby and if we could use the same medicine that gave us you.  We were cleared to try and I was given the progesterone to start having normal cycles again.  ....I'd already had one cycle and your guess would be as good as mine when the next one would come without progesterone.  .....Well, the doctor wanted me on a 28 day cycle so I started the progesterone 2 weeks ago.  ........no period.  ......I took a test yesterday.  I never even took the fertility drugs and I am pregnant.   .....I ask you how?..............How is it that after years of trying ....I finally have you.....somehow continue to live without you here....and then out of nowhere get pregnant like that?  .........I cried.  I smiled a bit because there is a life in me.  ...........and then I cried some more.  I told Mikey, your dad, that I wondered if your spirit just couldn't take the body you were given and that you were just coming back with a new one.  ..........He didn't laugh at me but did say that he didn't realize that I was a Buddhist.  ............well, I'm just not feeling very sane.  I was happy one minute (even though the tears won't stop) and then I would just feel numb.  .......I have a life in me....Again.  ..........I wanted this and don't know how to feel.  .........it's too soon and yet, I'm not young and I want this and I want you and I just wish God would send me a personal letter....not a Bible....I need a letter specifically detailed with some answers please.   .........I could not sleep very well.  I didn't want to take the ambien until I researched if it wouldn't hurt this baby. .........I dreamed of you and just missed you so much last night.  ......oh, and I felt guilty.  ......I have been on an emotional roller coaster for too long now and it doesn't seem to be getting much better.  Well, after a hockey game last night, the truck was cold so I turned the heat on as soon as your dad started her up.  ...lo and behold, he turns it off.  ....this wouldn't do, so I turned it back on and a little higher with "a bit of a speech".  ........Mikey gives me a speech back as he turns the heat off again saying to "wait 5 minutes".  ..........I went ballistic.   Tristan is in the back having had a very good evening and I am going off about being cold and leaving the heat on.  ........I have now gotten so worked up that Mikey has given up, Tristan is trying to excuse us both and I'm just in a flat out "mood" and silence has ensued.  5 minutes pass, we stop for burgers, Mikey tries to apologize and I proceed to present my case of why turning the heat on immediately will warm the truck faster, Mikey proceeds to give his case and now, I'm just ticked and done for the night.  He tries to apologize, Tristan sticks up for him and for me again...I'm now just mean and selfish and want silence.  Tristan falls asleep driving home, I keep my silent vigilance, and I'm sure Mikey is dumbfounded.  .........We get home, I tell Tristan good night.  I, at least, apologize to Tristan.  I go to bed and fall asleep without a word to Mikey.  I'm up at 3am.  At 4, I wake up Mikey jsut long enough to apologize.  He's nicer than me and says he loves me and it's okay.  ........I know that it was not okay and say so.  ..........He has to go to work in the morning so I shut my mouth so he can go back to sleep.  ............I continue to just lay there, feel tired, and think.  ..........Thinking is not my friend because I feel that I am a mental case.  Seriously.  .........and then, I think "who the hell wouldn't be a mental case right now?".     .................Ireland.  I miss you.  You were my most special gift and now I seem to have another and am not sure how to handle it.  .........for now, I'll wake up tomorrow and make an appointment with my doctor.  We've told Tristan and he just hopes that this baby doesn't have what you did.  We reassure him that all should be fine.  .......God, I hope so.  .............Family has been called and well, I had several differing reactions.  ................I need to let friends know and well, I don't want to cry anymore.  ......so, I cope with writing to you.  I still cry because I see your picture, your face and just want you and think I'll never understand. I still know how soft and wonderful you felt.  ...........I miss you and want you.  I am so glad that you are not suffering but you have a selfish mother that really wishes you were here.  I love you.  ........I don't know how to feel right now but know that I'll love this baby as much as I love you and as much as I love Tristan.

posts now at www.mybabysbling.blogspot.com

My effort to honor Ireland

Could I miss her more?  I don't think so.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Ireland.  Some days I can smile and other days, not so much.  ......Life is somehow going on.  It seemed impossible but it does.  ..........I still have times that are rough and this past week was one of those times.  I had reconnected with a friend that I just love so dearly and of course, I had to let her know all that been going on in my life.  ....funny, I really felt the need to comfort her and her family whom I'd also lost contact with.  This was so hard on her for not being there and I really understand.  ......Well, in an effort to honor my precious Ireland, I am starting a blog or sort of mission.  I doubt this will be a blog where I post daily thoughts, it is simply a project.  I plan on eventually starting yet another blog to post my daily musings (so to speak)...how fancy, huh?...musings.  ....Anyway, I've started a blog at http://www.mybabysbling.blogspot.com/.  I plan on making little eye masks for NICU babies.  It seems that this was a new idea and I'm truly proud that I came up with this on my own.  I plan on making some for Primary Children's here in Salt Lake City but hope that this site will possibly grow into something more.  I'd love to see others make the masks as well and either send them to me or to their own local hospitals.  It is such a simple thing.   ....My aunt "Paby" gave me a shawl given by a group from her church when Ireland passed away.  It meant much more to me than I initially believed.  ...At the time, I simply thought it was a nice gift.  In the days that passed, it was a sort of life saver.  ...Basically, those that make these shawls pray as they're knitting to give the receiver of the shawl peace, comfort, the love and understanding they need once they receive it.  Well, I can not profess to being this ultra religious and sentimental guru....BUT, this shawl was truly comforting.  I had folded it over my headboard and when I couldn't sleep or the pain seemed unbearable, I'd feel this shawl or simply the fringe and it gave me some comfort knowing that I was loved, that Ireland was loved, that others cared so much and that God had a plan in all of this.  It comforted me knowing that Ireland wasn't simply gone...there was more.  ............I will not go on and on about all that this did for me and how incredibly grateful I am to this church and the countless others who prayed for my family and for Ireland.  Just know that this shawl worked magic and that I wish I had a gift for knitting, but I don't.  However, I can sew.  I am not an expert but I make things with love and I believe I have something to offer.  I figure that I can use the same concept of the shawl as when I make these eye masks because I do so pray that the baby that would wear it will heal and that the mother, father, and family will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  ........In addition to some comfort when I make these little eye masks with a prayer, NICU babies tend to need some darkness and new parents tend to love the thought of dressing up their little ones.

Well, wish me some luck.  I need to work on the site (in my limited blog knowledge) and also work on the little masks.  I'll also try to figure out how to upload a pattern for the eye masks (if nothing else, take an adult pattern and simply reduce it).  .........any suggestions are totally welcome.  I wanted to honor Ireland and wasn't sure if I should have been exclusive to CDH but figured in the long run, I'm trying to do something.  That has to be better than doing nothing.

One month

First off, I don't know why this blog has flipped my baby's picture. I've tried to rotate it several times with no luck. Oh well, isn't Ireland just beautiful?!

I can not believe that she isn't with me. I have such extreme emotions at times and have this feeling that I just don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm currently on 100mg of zoloft so I don't know if that is doing anything...just know that the dr's I had when she passed away really thought I needed it. Hmm, who knows?

Yesterday was time for my 6 weeks appointment. This was much harder than I thought it would be. Pregnant ladies were everywhere, this was the place that was previously filled with hope for us, and well.......it just sucked. .......Luckily, Mikey got time off to come to the appointment with me. I really think I would of had an accident if I would of driven myself. I could barely see through my tears just driving to the UofU hospital.

I've been home for some time now and have somehow become a scrapbooker. ....I figure that this is the only way I can continue to do something for Ireland. I'm not the greatest at it but there is something comforting about feeling that I'm doing something for my baby girl. .....I have so many pictures...not enough...but for only having her for 11 days, I feel that I have many. ......I can't get over how much Ireland changed from day to day. I look at all those pictures and wonder what she would have looked like as she grew. Of course, I imagine that she would continue to be beautiful. ....Mikey and I received the pictures from the group "now I lay me down to sleep" (they take pics of babies when they pass). Anyway, I was sort of disappointed in them. Her hands were photographed and obviously not cleaned after the hospital had made molds of them. Also, I think that as beautiful as she is in each picture...well, she's not there. The pictures that I have, she's there. ....Hard to explain.

...I think that Mikey and I are doing okay for what we're going through. Tristan seems to be doing okay too. This has been hard as hell and I don't know when any of us will feel "normal" again, but I do think we'll be fine. ....it's strange. One minute, I can be fine. The next minute, I'm just not so good. I like being home and am slowly getting out of what I've deemed my "self-imposed-isolation" but at the same time, I don't like the thought of going to too many places, seeing alot of people, being around children, or working at something that requires any amount of concentration or major decision making. ....the children thing. Well, I feel like a big meany sometimes. I've always loved babies and kids but I can only handle them a little right now...especially little girls. No offense to my friends with beautiful girls, it's just hard right now. I can see Tristan in little boys but I see Ireland and all my dreams for her in the girls and really any baby. It's just too much right now. Small doses.

Anyway, I have a friend coming by today to do some scrapbooking. We're practically Utah mormons, huh?! :) Just kidding. Love my mormon friends...all one or two of them!

.......well, I wanted to add that I miss blogging and communicating with everyone but I feel that my writing probably sucks due to my lack of concentration or maybe I can even blame that medication I'm on. I have no idea what will happen to this blog or where my part in CDH awareness lies. I figure that I've got nothing but time right now and that I don't need to know everything at the moment. I'm still grieving in my own way and just trying not to be some depressing sap. .........Mikey and I would like to try for another baby. I have mixed feelings here and know I want the baby but really could do without the pregnancy....give me some time to figure that one out, for sure! ..........Anywho, look at my lovely Ireland. She's just so adorable and missed so much. I had no idea that she wouldn't be home with me eventually. I felt nothing but confidence in her and still don't like to go to that last morning of her life. I say that I don't understand what happened and seriously, I don't. There are facts that I understand and facts that I either block out or just don't want to understand. I don't know. I just wish she were here.

If nothing else, I am learning to truly believe that there are things worse than death. I can not explain this in detail right now because today, I want Ireland here with me. Even wanting Ireland in my arms, I know that I'd want her to feel good and never have to suffer, I'd want her to know that I was loving her and keeping her best interests at heart always..........yet another thing hard to explain. I just know without a doubt that I love Ireland and will never stop missing having her in my life. She will forever be my beautiful daughter and I hope that our heaven will either have her in my arms or holding my hand so that we can just be together.....this thought is what keeps me going. ..........those that have no faith love to say that religion is based on our fears of dying, maybe they're right because I would rather die today then to think that I would never be with my Ireland again. .........Fortunately for me, I know that her birth alone (and any birth for that matter) is proof of a good God and that sustains me.

Gone but not forgotten

It has almost been a month since my baby daughter has left this world but the pain of her loss is still as strong today as it was then. I find myself fighting to look at some of her pictures, mostly the ones of her right after her surgery. Chanda has been a fighter during these hard times for me and don't know what I would do without her. We were at old navy today getting T some clothes and the fitting room of course it right by the baby stuff. I saw a little halloween outfit that said hoot hoot I'm so cute in pink and thats all it took for the tears to start slowing going down my face. Its the little things that can get me I guess. I know everyone tells us that in time it will be easier and I'm sure it will. But 11 days just wasn't enough time for this daddy...... and only a month from her passing just doesn't seem like it has been that long.

Everyone that has read this blog has been such a help to Chanda and me. We don't know what will become of it but in time the answers will be found. Thanks again to all......

Ireland Rose Brady's daddy forever............

Dear Ireland

Dear Ireland,
I love you. I love you sooooo much that I hate to open my eyes because then you're not there. If I close them, I see that special day that we had. You were smiling and talking to me, I swear. Your arms were going and your little toes were curling and it was just a good day for your Daddy and I. This is the time of all your too short 11 days that I will burn into my memory.

I love you. When I can't think of what to say...I just think, I love you. I struggle with what we decided. When they had us come to your bed and kiss you, I swore you were breathing and I really just didn't understand why all of the nurses and doctors weren't doing more for you. Your daddy says that you weren't really breathing and that your little lungs were full of blood. Maybe I should have paid better attention when the doctors were talking because I just don't understand any of this. Honestly, baby, I didn't want to understand. I just saw you looking beautiful and that is all I wanted to know. You are the cutest little girl that I have ever laid my eyes on. I hope you know how very much I wanted you and I feel that I needed you, too. ....I just love you soo much. I'm having a hard time today. I woke up early, around 5 and just started talking to you and seeing you. Around 7, your daddy started to wake up and I opened my eyes and the crying began. I was really sort of mad that the sun came up. That's probably silly but it didn't seem right to me......Ya know, I don't know when I'll ever stop hurting. With every corner, I see you because I just wanted you so very badly. I went to your room yesterday to comfort your brother when we got home. That was hard but I could see how much everyone loved you too. Your daddy made you a beautiful room. He painted it, put a border around, put a stubborn crib together and moved furniture a million times for me. As for your brother, he's dealing with this much better than I thought. He had a hard time yesterday morning when he saw me holding you, his ride home wasn't very good and he's not real thrilled with this new sad mom but he comes to let me know he loves me and loves you, that helps him and me.

Oh Ireland, I love you. Fresh tears keep spilling and I'm sort of sorry because I want to celebrate your too short life too. Your dad and I picked out some pictures just a bit ago to print out and that is what helped me get out of bed. We actually got to smile a few times, too. We so wish we would have taken more pictures. We just had no idea...I had no idea. I truly felt in my heart of hearts that you'd be coming home. I felt we'd have a long venture at the hospital but I really did think you'd come home. You have all of these clothes, things I've made for you, things that others made just for you, this beautiful room...we had this awesome life planned out and you were a huge part of that. I couldn't wait for you to sneak in my make-up, get into my shoes, want to have a tea party, and crawl in my lap to have me read to you. I had this major plot to turn your daddy into a complete sap when it came to you. Funny, you sort of did this one on your own.

I have imagined that you'd show me everything as new again. Colors were already looking a little brighter once you entered this world. Heck, we even had this gorgeous double rainbow one day...I felt certain that this was a sign of good things to come. I had already decided that you'd be a little fairy for halloween. I had you in this pretty green outfit with frilly tutu of a thing and a little head thing going around with little roses weaved in and out. You would of been the prettiest fairy. I understand your granddaddy Doss was calling you Tinker-Bell...how appropriate because I could just see you as this feisty, fun little thing.

I got a major cry when I saw that my inbox had over 100 messages. I'd imagine they're all about you and when I feel that I can breathe, I will read them and surely find comfort. I just can't do that yet and I hope you understand that I'm not being selfish,.............maybe a little, I'm just sad. I wanted you here with me.

Yesterday morning, after we saw you in your little bed, your daddy and I went into a room and they brought you to us. I had them wrap you in a little blanket that I had made. I don't know if it was the prettiest one you have but I made it for you and was so glad that it was there for you. You looked so cute and so beautiful and I swear you were smiling and just looking so dang peaceful. I didn't realize it at the time, but a nurse came in to check your heart beat and it was beating so I'd like to think that you knew your daddy and I were there. I hope that you know we were loving you ...I hope loving you out of pain and into what brought you that smile and that peace. I couldn't stop touching you and kissing you and when your daddy held you, he just rocked you. Your brother saw you too. He couldn't talk because you were his little sister and he wanted you too. He only stayed a bit but he was loving you too and I hope you know that. .....I love you. I think we gave you the perfect name. Ireland Rose. ....I think that is the most beautiful name in the world and I'm proud to say that I came up with that and gave it to you. Ireland wasn't just a name for a pretty island. It was the name of a celtic goddess. Her name was Eyre...the goddess of soverignty and if I understand correctly, that means she was a law unto herself....there are probably more in depth meanings but I like this. .....Ireland Rose. You were definitely calling the shots the entire time that we knew you. You showed us miracles daily and proved the doctors wrong more than once. .......That last day when we decided that we wanted you to not suffer and not be in pain and that all options were running out, because baby, I was willing to push your strength and test it but all options pointed to a road that led to an inevitible outcome of "this", so we had to make the decision to choose a life that was not to be had on this earth but elsewhere. It was the hardest thing. .......I love you. ........I really thought you'd prove the docs wrong again, they'd come get us and say "wow, she's doing great".....I really, really thought this. How dumb of your mommy to not listen to those smart doctors. .....They were really the nicest people and I'd like to think they gave it their all to save you. Goodness knows we asked if we made the right decision and all told us that we were brave and did make the right decision. ....I don't think we were brave at all. We didn't want you to hurt anymore but like I said before, I would have pushed you a little further had I thought we could have got through this. You have a stubborn mom and I felt that you had a fighting spirit in you. I want you to know that I thank you, my precious little Ireland. Thank you for my 11 days, thank you for showing me how you could overcome things so quickly....you will always be loved.....thank you for those times that you looked at us and for that day that you were speaking to us...there were not words heard but baby, I saw that you were talking back and it was a beautiful thing......thank you for holding on so that I could finally hold you in my arms and you were there...I know you were there. .....I just love you. .....I loved your daddy so much and was so glad that you came into this world. You were made through the deepest of loves. I hope you felt that. .....I feel like I'm not saying everything that needs to be said and I'd imagine that I'll talk to you forever...I know that I'll talk to you forever.

I promise to love you always and keep you in my heart with the happiest of memories. Your time was just way too short. I promise to love you daddy and your brother always. You can never be replaced. Pictures will never completely do justice to the beauty of you..to your complete adorable-ness and cute-ness. ....I've always been afraid of death even with religion or anything...I've just been afraid...maybe of what I'd be missing here on earth or maybe even because I wouldn't want others to miss me....right now and forever, I'm not afraid of dying. I'll one day get to be with you again and that will be amazing. Until then, I'll talk to you, love you, see you, remember you, hold you in my heart........I'll love all of our family and not take any of them for granted....I'll do my best to respect the life I have because you showed me how precious each day can be. Thank you Ireland. Ireland Rose. The most beautiful words put together and the loveliest gift I could have ever recieved on this earth. .......I hate ending this post, this letter....but, I'm not ending anything, right? You are with me and I with you. xoxo

Sad news

This is Mike and Chanda's friend Meredith. I have been asked to update the blog for them today. I am deeply sorry to inform all of you of this, but Ireland Rose lost her battle with CDH this morning. Mike and Chanda had to make a decision that no parent should ever have to make. They chose to end the suffering of their beautiful little baby knowing that she would not survive without being on ECMO. I just want to say that my heartfelt condolences go out to Mike, Chanda, Tristan and the rest of their family. I pray that God will give them the strength to deal with their loss.
A memorial will be held at Myers Mortuary on 1900 in Roy on Tuesday, September 1 from 6-8 pm.